I waited through all of July, and I just can’t wait any longer. Let’s preview the college football season already!
As in real life, the private school gets attention first.
S01 GEORGIA TECH
The only thing I know about this Georgia Tech squad is that if they had the guy they currently have at QB (Taylor Bennett) a year ago, Calvin Johnson would have amassed 2,000 yards receiving and the Yellow Jackets might have wound up winning the ACC. Yes, I (and many others) are jumping to conclusions based on one Gator Bowl performance. Welcome to college football!
This is about as tough a test as the Irish will have in their first game (the one exception being Nebraska on the road in 2001, and what a nightmare that was), but I really can’t see them losing right out of the gate, especially at home with the students getting smashed on their first weekend on campus. Win
S08 @ Penn State
A game that terrifies me, and for obvious reasons. They say Penn State fans are the rudest and most mean-spirited of any in the Big Ten (this is a lie, however, when Michigan plays at OSU, big-time). Whenever people reminisce about the great ND-PSU games of yesteryear they remember the Irish wins, never the Nittany Lions’ victories. Can you imagine how ticked off PSU fans must be sometimes—especially after a season last year, where their team played its butt off but couldn’t overcome more talented opponents? This will be a foreboding experience for the Irish. Loss
A game that terrifies me, and for obvious reasons. They say Penn State fans are the rudest and most mean-spirited of any in the Big Ten (this is a lie, however, when Michigan plays at OSU, big-time). Whenever people reminisce about the great ND-PSU games of yesteryear they remember the Irish wins, never the Nittany Lions’ victories. Can you imagine how ticked off PSU fans must be sometimes—especially after a season last year, where their team played its butt off but couldn’t overcome more talented opponents? This will be a foreboding experience for the Irish. Loss
S15 @ Michigan
We’re not winning this game. Loss, hopefully not by more than 2 TD's
We’re not winning this game. Loss, hopefully not by more than 2 TD's
S22 MICHIGAN ST.
Yet another historic rivalry that ills me for this fact alone: over the past six years, the away team has won this game. God tried changing that trend a year ago at Spartan Stadium, but He forgot that John L. Smith was the MSU coach and thus the Irish found a way to get back into the game. Thus, THIS is the year the trend changes! Win
Yet another historic rivalry that ills me for this fact alone: over the past six years, the away team has won this game. God tried changing that trend a year ago at Spartan Stadium, but He forgot that John L. Smith was the MSU coach and thus the Irish found a way to get back into the game. Thus, THIS is the year the trend changes! Win
S29 @ Purdue
The last time Purdue beat Notre Dame, Kyle Orton played the greatest game of his life at any level. WHERE IS YOUR ORTON NOW??? Win
The last time Purdue beat Notre Dame, Kyle Orton played the greatest game of his life at any level. WHERE IS YOUR ORTON NOW??? Win
O06 @ UCLA
Bold prediction: at least one team from Los Angeles will beat us this year. Loss
Bold prediction: at least one team from Los Angeles will beat us this year. Loss
O13 BOSTON COLLEGE
By far, the most important game of the season. Don’t believe what the idiot at NDnation.com or anywhere else say: this is a rivalry. We haven’t beaten these guys in seven years, and we need to do so immediately. Those of you outside the realm of private school (and kudos to you, as you’re getting laid more often and finding more time to drink), Notre Dame grads and students often refer to BC as “Back-up College,” as a second-tier school to Notre Dame in many different ways…well, except for night life (Boston’s a bit bigger college town than South Bend) and athletics (BC has schooled us in most intercollegiate sports this decade), but otherwise, yeah, fuck Boston College. And fuck you guys for going to the ACC so you could get more money and bigger contracts with other football conferences. You should’ve just stayed independent and signed a deal with NBC, it’s more noble that way. Jerks. WIN, BITCHES, WIN
By far, the most important game of the season. Don’t believe what the idiot at NDnation.com or anywhere else say: this is a rivalry. We haven’t beaten these guys in seven years, and we need to do so immediately. Those of you outside the realm of private school (and kudos to you, as you’re getting laid more often and finding more time to drink), Notre Dame grads and students often refer to BC as “Back-up College,” as a second-tier school to Notre Dame in many different ways…well, except for night life (Boston’s a bit bigger college town than South Bend) and athletics (BC has schooled us in most intercollegiate sports this decade), but otherwise, yeah, fuck Boston College. And fuck you guys for going to the ACC so you could get more money and bigger contracts with other football conferences. You should’ve just stayed independent and signed a deal with NBC, it’s more noble that way. Jerks. WIN, BITCHES, WIN
O20 SOUTHERN CAL
This is the only game I get to witness with my own two eyes this season, and if you think I'm predicting a loss you're crazy. Win
This is the only game I get to witness with my own two eyes this season, and if you think I'm predicting a loss you're crazy. Win
(But this should explain my UCLA pick as well)
N03 NAVY
‘Natch. Win
N10 AIR FORCE
Expect a lot of Armed Forces jokes leading up to this one. Win
‘Natch. Win
N10 AIR FORCE
Expect a lot of Armed Forces jokes leading up to this one. Win
N17 DUKE
This game is going to spark so many bad jokes I’m going to have to hide myself from my OSU buddies the following week (thankfully, it’ll be Thanksgiving weekend then). Win
This game is going to spark so many bad jokes I’m going to have to hide myself from my OSU buddies the following week (thankfully, it’ll be Thanksgiving weekend then). Win
N24 @ Stanford
Jim Harbaugh’s awesome, but still…Win
Jim Harbaugh’s awesome, but still…Win
So, we tally up the wins and losses and...oh my, we've got an 8-3 record here! And with a schedule like this, that has to guarantee a BCS bowl appearance. So then, the Irish head to the Fiesta Bowl this upcoming January and get their ass kicked by a superior opponent, and we repeat the entire cycle of pundits saying how overrated Notre Dame is (starting and ending with Mr. Fucktard himself, Mark May, I'm sure).
The big question for the Irish this season? The quarterback position. Evan Sharpley probably starts out against Georgia Tech, but Demetrius Jones and some guy named Jimmy Clausen are equal possibilities as well (at least, that's what Weis wants you to believe).
So an 8-3 regular season isn't very likely, I'm aware of that. That said, we're not starting out the season in the top 25. GT, BC, USC, UCLA, Mich and Penn State are all ahead of us. If we beat even three of those teams, that makes us worthy of some props, right? Has to.
But alas, we're the Irish, and we're a very easy target when we lose.
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