CliffX versus the Retarded USC Professor

Just as you’re about to head into the weekend with nothing to write about, bam, some idiot publishes a column on Page 2 on ESPN.com. The author of the column is Todd Boyd, a professor of critical studies at the University of Southern California School of Cinematic Arts. He’s also a distinguished author and media figure, having made appearances on such programs as the Today Show, CBS Evening News, Sportscenter, and Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher. He is a distinguished and reputable gentleman who appears to have made a good living expressing himself through writing and critical thought.

That said: it doesn’t seem like he can write worth shit.

I never heard of Todd Boyd until I saw his op-ed piece (if you can call it that) about Hank Aaron not following Bonds’ home run chase. If you read my Tour de France/Bud Selig blog about a week ago you know I feel Selig should be doing exactly what Aaron is doing in giving Bonds the cold shoulder. I have no problem with people holding a different opinion…

…but what the hell is this? When I first read through it I asked myself if it was actually satire. I even found Boyd’s USC email address and asked him directly. Seeing as he hasn’t responded yet, I must assume this was a legit tirade against Aaron think it’s necessary to the greater good of educated bloggers everywhere to deconstruct this unbelievably poorly written column.

So then, it’s time for round one of the Smart Notre Dame Alum versus the Idiot, Pot-smoking USC Movie Guy.

Body’s words are in bold, mine are normal font.

An open letter to Hank Aaron,

I really wish I didn't have to say what I'm about to say, but as my friend Branford Marsalis once told me, "Speak the truth and shame the devil."

I’m not sure what that means, but it’s innocuous enough.

Hopefully you are sitting down when you read this. OK, here it goes: Hank Aaron, you are a hater! That's right Hank, you're a full-fledged, bona fide, 100 percent playa hater of the highest order. There, I said it. What a relief.

Ummm…..

I was hoping you would come to your senses and realize how important it is for you to show Barry Bonds some love right now, in spite of whatever misgivings you might have about your home run record being broken. Hank, I wanted you to take the high road. But, no, you decided that you would, in essence, point a huge extended middle finger in Bonds' direction. As they say in Detroit, "If you don't start no s---, won't be none started." Well since you took it there, you leave me no choice.

WTF???

Okay, we need to break down this entire paragraph even further.

I was hoping you would come to your sense and realize how important it is for you to show Barry Bonds some love right now, in spite of whatever misgivings you might have about your home run record being broken.

Normally typing in all caps is viewed as rude: but now's a better time than ever to use it: BONDS IS A CHEATER! HE’S ALSO A HUGE ASSHOLE WHO PROBABLY BEATS UP HIS WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS! HE CARES ABOUT NOBODY EXCEPT HIMSELF! AND YOU WANT HANK TO “SHOW HIM SOME LOVE”???? ARE YOU RETARDED, OR MICHAEL IRVIN AND MERRIL HOGE ALL ROLLED UP INTO ONE?

Sheesh.

In case you are unfamiliar with the term "playa hater," Hank, let me pull your coat.

Oh, God…

A playa hater is someone who harbors extreme jealously and animosity toward someone else's success, especially if that person's success overshadows his own.

Minus the “playa hater” lingo this is actually a fine way to start an argument, that Aaron may very well be jealous about what Bonds is about to accomplish.

As Puff once said on Biggie's track "Playa Hater," "You see, there are two kind of people in the world today. We have the playaz and we have the playa haters." Well, Hank, your refusal to recognize Bonds' accomplishments clearly demonstrates that you are in the latter camp.

But then the distinguished professor decided to quote Diddy (and how’s this for street cred: he doesn’t even go by Puff Daddy anymore, he’s Diddy! Ha! A white boy just schooled your ass!), and the column permanently went down the tubes.

Stop hiding behind this steroid garbage, Hank. Your real motives are a bit transparent here. First, you said you didn't want to travel to see Bonds break your record, but then you end up traveling to Puerto Rico? C'mon Dawg, that ain't pimpin!

Yes, shockingly Hank Aaron felt that redeeming his sky miles for a relaxing vacation in a beautiful country would be much more satisfying than flying up to the Bay Area to see some jerkoff break baseball’s most hallowed record. Also, I would love to see you go up to Aaron and say, “Yo Dawg, you been pimpin’?” I’m sure this would go over extremely well with him.

You are the same man who once forgave John Rocker for his vicious verbal sins, after originally saying that his comments had made you sick, but now you can't give Bonds a break?

A reasonable point, although I think it’s a bit off-track.

You are hurting my heart, Hank. You are no longer my favorite Mobile, Ala., native, either. I have taken that title and bestowed it on the rapper Rich Boy; throw some D's on it, indeed!

…God damn it…

At age 24, I guess I'm getting uncool already, because I had to Google "Throw Some D's On It" and I found the lyrics to the song. (I'd listen to it too but I'd rather not take that risk at work.) In the interest of fairness, I'll just say the rap is, uh, unoriginal.

The streets have lost respect for you too, Hank. You once had street cred, just "on the strength," as they say. You were Big Bank Hank to us. The fact that you had to endure so much hatin' yourself on your way to breaking Babe's record meant you always had much love in the streets. No more, though.

Congratulations, Todd Boyd, on completely and totally disgracing the achievements of Hank Aaron and what he meant to not only baseball but American culture. This entire “street cred” concept is absolute bullshit and ignores the big picture here: Hammerin’ Hank Aaron is much more than “street cred,” he is an American hero—and in the twenty-first century, we’re losing sports heroes by the minute, it seems. Tom Brady fathers a kid out of wedlock. Kobe Bryant stands trial for rape. Michael Vick, simply put, completely fucks up his career. And Barry Bonds remains as veiled, ignorant and mean-spirited as ever as he stands on the brink (forever, it now seems) of passing Aaron. Remember that banner at the Phillies game a year ago as Bonds was chasing Ruth’s total? “Ruth did it on hot dogs and beer; Aaron did it with class. What did YOU do it with?” So congratulations on completely missing the point about why Hank is no-showing Bonds. For further reading I’d suggest you check out Ryne Sandberg’s Hall of Fame speech on what it means to play the game the right way. Now there’s a hero for you, along with Aaron.

Don't get me wrong, Bonds isn't the most street credible cat. For one, there's not enough bass in his voice. But in spite of that, hip-hop still loves an anti-hero and Bonds most certainly fits that bill.

So a crippled man in his 40's getting booed at every away stadium he plays at = hip-hop. Thanks for clearing that up.

If Bud Selig doesn't show his face then that's one thing. In some ways Selig's absence would further Bonds' status as an anti-hero. But even Selig softened his stance and started attending Bonds' games.

So does this give Bud Selig street cred? I mean, it has to, right?...do you see how silly your argument has become yet???

So Hank, you're the last remaining holdout. As Eddie told Priest in "Super Fly," "You better come on in, man!"

I wonder if anyone in the present hip-hop culture even knows who or what Superfly is.

Hank, I'm not asking you to kiss the area of Bonds' lower backside where people have suggested he injected steroids. I'm just asking you not to get caught up in all this drama. Make an appearance, shake his hand, whisper to him that you think he is a "big water head boy" and then once out of sight go wash your hands if you want to.

And Hank might have just listened to this very sound advice if you didn’t insult him in the first paragraph…

Just don't let yourself be used by people who don't have your best interests at heart.

Now where the FUCK does this line of judgment come from???? Who the fuck is putting Aaron down?

Some of these same people once wished you ill will as you were about to surpass Babe and now they're acting like they love you so much. Don't believe the hype. This change of heart seems just a bit disingenuous to me.

I’m sure Boyd's correct in this regard; I bet a lot of people who had scorn for Aaron passing Ruth—and let’s just put in it plain language, they had scorn to see a black man passing a white man’s record—have much more scorn for what Bonds is doing. The thing I detest about these previous few sentences is that Boyd is insinuating that the white man has Aaron in their pocket as they decry Barry Bonds, and to me, that is complete, utter fucking bullshit. Fuck you, Todd Boyd, for merely suggesting the idea that white people are using Aaron for their own selfish needs. Fuck you, and fuck your Trojans too (that’s a personal jab, but still, fuck the Trojans).

I'm asking you one last time, Hank, please reconsider. This is not a good look. You have left Bonds hanging and this is a crime. History will frown upon your selfish actions, Hank.

Remember somebody actually wrote this when you see Bonds get indicted this winter.

Put down that glass of haterade that you've been drinking and get on the next plane headed in Bonds' direction. Or else, prepare yourself for the inevitable: having your ghetto pass revoked.

(too afraid to respond to this one)

I know you and a lot of other older African-Americans such as Bill Cosby don't like us hip-hop heads. I know you think we are taking the race backward, and with Flavor Flav getting so much attention these days it's getting harder to argue that point, but give us a break. No, we did not get attacked by dogs and water hoses back in the day. No, Bonds has not gone through what you went through. We know this. But times have changed. We recognize your struggles, but we need you to recognize ours too. This is the era of "mo' money, mo' problems," Dawg, and your refusal to acknowledge Bonds is one of those problems right now.

First off, the “Mo’ money, mo’ problems” era died when Ma$e found religion for about ten days and Justin Timberlake became a regular on BET (and then went on to do “Dick in a Box” and thus we essentially were finished with the “Mo’ money, mo’ problems era. Now we have so much money we’re makin’ it rain! LOL!) Second…hey man, whatever happened to doing the right thing? This is where the bullshit about street cred blows Boyd’s argument out of the water and into writer’s purgatory. If street cred is defined by the actions of guys like Vick, Bonds, and Pac-Man Jones, you have to think Aaron doesn’t want to be apart of that crowd. Come on, these guys, whatever “street cred” they may have, have been made into villains by mainstream media. Look at the big fucking picture for a change.

Hank, I hope you take this in the spirit it was intended. I didn't want to call you out. Really.

Liar.

But your actions, or lack thereof, about this whole Bonds thing are just straight up hatin', pure and simple. So do yourself a favor, stop hatin' and get your mind right, Brotha.

Nice job with the grammar there, Dr. Boyd. Clearly you belong at a place like USC.

'Cause if you free your mind, I guarantee, your ass will follow.

The first time I ever heard this comment was when the Parliament Funkadelic came to Notre Dame (no, really, this happened in 2002) and some bass player wearing nothing but a diaper and yelled several times, “Free your mind, and your ass will follow.” It was a pretty bad concert, all things considered; George Clinton didn’t show up until an hour into the set and he looked stoned off his ass (as did a few other band members). But then, I suppose you’d need to be stoned to play in front of a bunch of Notre Dame students.

Peace, The Notorious Ph.D.

You suck.

The most disappointing thing about this column is that I do believe Boyd makes legit remarks, such as the idea that Aaron very well may be jealous of what Bonds is doing, or even the John Rocker tangent (although he has to provide a citation of Aaron saying he forgives Rocker--oh wait, this is Page 2, and not actual reporting, never mind). But Boyd's need to bog everything down in this "keeping it real" kind of speak results in a disaterously shitty column. This is one of the worst things Page 2 has ever churned out, and that's saying something for a web page that's kept Jim Caple employed this long.

Hey Boyd, here's keeeping it real for you: 755 career home runs, all achieved through hard work and sacrfice, without an ounce of unnatural chemicals in his body. That's Hank Aaron, and he's kept it more real than you could ever hope to be, BITCH.

GO IRISH.