My final post ever...at the office

This picture, while not an authentic replica, offers a decent idea of the space in which I've been mostly blogging on since this blog started up in July. It is a plain space, lurid and shiftless, and more boring than a Mass on Palm Sunday (plus it doesnn't come with a creepy smiling single mom). Its only saving grace: this computer and its corporate-funded high speed Internet connection, which I've exploited for over a month now. And this blog, my friends, has been the result of that exploitation.

Without giving away too much info, here's the scenario I've been in: in between grad school years I worked as a temp out of a downtown Columbus office, and they hooked me up with a pretty sweet-looking part time gig as both an assistant of development and on-call receptionist. No sweat, I've done this shit for a while, right? Well, I guess it only goes to show that the more time I spend in these office environments, the more bullshit I find.

Right now this fat bitch in the cubicle opposite of mine is complaining about...oh, something, I don't know. It doesn't really matter. It seems that every office has to have at least one (but often two to four) fat bitches spending about 20% of their work day doing nothing but complaining to their coworkers about how shitty their life is. I remember this one idiot fat bitch at an old real estate office I worked at who would take her time to come to me directly and complain about the most trivial shit, like how she'd been up at 4:30 in the morning exercising (yeah right) and wouldn't be finished with work until 9 pm that evening. Like I give a fuck. Fortunately no one's complained to me directly about anything, it's just working in this open environment that makes me receptive to all the "woe-is-me" personalities around my desk. It makes me want to cut myself while listening to the Downward Spiral over and over again.

But right, why is it that no one ever complains to me about their problems? Probably because they barely acknowledge my existence. As an assistant to the director of development, my primary supervisor is, well, the director of development. The only problem is, I think she's a cokehead or something, because she often doesn't come into work unil 10 o'clock, whereas I got in at 8. (she's also the daughter of the big boss, if that helps explain things) The boss overseeing her (the Director of Ops) would be the next person to talk to, and he's a good guy with a good heart, but all the multi-tasking his job entails leaves me left behind in the woodwork.

Not that I'm complaining.

I've done work like this enough to know when you have to view the glass as half-full instead of half-empty. Instead of doing actual work for most of the day, I've been getting paid $10.20 an hour to register for fall classes, catch up on my Dostoevsky, manage my fantasy football team, bid on useless things on eBay, and most importantly, keep this thing up to date. How the hell can I complain about the situation I've been living in? The trick, I learned, is to keep your mouth shut and look like you're being productive. After the first few days, when I had little to do (and trust me, this job gave me very little to do, thanks to the incompetence of my immediate supervisor) I would ask people if they needed help with anything. Often times the answer would be no, and I realized that if I just stayed out of people's hair they'd take less notice of me. I'd become inferior to them, like an insect on the wall and oblivious to all higher-ups. I know most people don't like inferority, but in this case, it was a great fucking position to be in! That's fucking freedom! Don't we all live for that? I mean, the very fact that I'm taking about forty minutes out of my work day to describe kind of massive bullshit the office is shows how much freedom I have, and that's all kinds of awesome. It'd be nice if I could get paid better for it, but it is a temp job.

Some other observations from office work:

• There's at least two guys in here (and they're both jackoffs) who were pink shirts on a regular basis. I thought that cliche died in 2005. The pink shirt is an abomination to men everywhere, and if you're a breast cancer survivor who was offended by this sentence, I don't care. REAL MEN HATE PINK. They wear black. Yeah. Black shirt FTW.


• The workspace makes you that less funnier and less creative. You end up laughing at the corniest jokes. You say the most predictable things. You drive yourself into a pattern of "normal, normal, normal" or "blend, blend, blend" and that's who you become. This is why people say college is the best time of their lives, because they allow this shit to happen to them. This is also what Tyler Durden was talking about, in a way. If you decide to go into office work for the long run, don't let the group mentality overcome you. Rebel in some way, whether it's growing your hair long, wearing jeans on Friday afternoon, or writing a blog about how your life sucks. You'll find some way.

(For the record, my life doesn't suck, because I spent the past two months essentially getting paid to write about sports. Remember that.)

I really don't have much more to say. I guess I can be so laissez-faire about office work because I really did detest it. I detested dressing in slacks and a tie every day and looking and acting like everyone else. I despised the standards that corporate offices employ on their employees for how they should act and interact, enforcing what it means to act and behave like a professional. Fuck that motherfucking shit. I am a professional! It just so happens that my profession isn't in life insurance policies, but rather in making fun of you slackasses. (and music too) So you go on ahead in your gray suits and double grande lattes, filing away massive amounts of meaningless paperwork while bitching about how you have to have your nails done before dinner, because when it all boils down, the vast majority of you have already made the decision to do nothing meaningful with your lives except make money, and you can't take it with you. In other words, you're already dead, bitches.

God damn I'm awesome. And He agrees, too.

ND/PSU preview (plus a footnote on OSU destroying Akron)

This preview brought to you by a creepy photo of Rudy wearing a White Sox hat. Die. Oh yeah, and fuck ESPN.com for making his chat yesterday viewable only to premium members. Why even bother advertising it?

So I doubt any ND fan is looking forward to the anticipated slaughter in Happy Valley. Penn State looks set to at least contend for the Big Ten title, with veteran quarterback in Ivan Morelli (who still has some critics to respond to) and what looks like another great defensive unit with a strong linebacking core--a year after Paul Posluzny finished. Joe Paterno's pedigree was built on punishing, ground-based football (which really is how the Big Ten gained a reputation in the old school days), and after seeing Tavaris Choice chew up the Irish front line last week, tailback Sean Austin--no, I've never heard of him either--must be relishing the chance for a big rushing day.

Notre Dame faced a good Georgia Tech defense last week and made them look like the '85 Bears--that doesn't bode well for tomorrow. Penn State's D was credited for steamrolling FIU a week ago by putting tremendous pressure up front and destroying the opponent's ability to develop a play. Granted, it was against a team that hasn't won a game for almost two years, but Irish fans know how poorly their offensive line was a week ago.

Call me crazy, but I don't think they'll be that bad again. After six days of reflection, I've come to view the Georgia Tech opener as a game in which the Irish were punched in the mouth, and hard at that. All the mystery and questions in the preseason turned into bedlam and disorientation by the time Demetrius Jones had reached his second fumble of the day. Really, the offense was a clusterfuck, and whatever possible improvement our defense could have had wouldn't have made a difference.

No way I'm brazen enough to predict an Irish victory, but I will predict this: a more consistent offense under Jimmy Clausen, whom I'm sure has been the focal point of this past week of practice, with a stronger passing attack and less focus on the run (which, to many ND fans' dismay, might be a huge bust this year). If you could take away anything from Clausen's cameo last Saturday, it'd be that he looked comfortable both in the huddle and during the play, not doing anything outstanding, but not looking lost or overwhelmed either. Of course we all expect that, but this is still a freshman starting QB, and you can't do much better in that role than Colt McCoy did with Texas a year ago.

So then, I'll trail to the nearest bar with a lot of pride for my team on my chest and in my heart, and just hope for the best--and that Happy Valley doesn't eat us alive.

OSU vs. Akron--There's no need to preview this. The Big Ten Network still sucks.

Bench Ankiel

I could write about the Cubs blowing a three-run lead in the ninth last night and falling to 3 games above .500 and into a tie for first with the Brewers, but I'd rather write "Bench Ankiel" over and over again. And that's what I'll probably do.

More to come.

One more thing for today...

This has to be one of the dumbest ad banners I've seen:


Mike Golic is no longer able to qualify for Monogram Club tickets, and Greenberg...I hate you.

My First (And Probably Last) Live WWE Show

Like anyone who had spent any portion of the last ten years watching professional wrestling, I was floored when I heard of the double homicide-suicide involving Chris Benoit’s family. How? I wondered. How could something so horrible happen? Eventually my thoughts of “how?” turned to “why?” as to out of all the lurid and shady characters working as and for wrestlers, why did it have to be such a seemingly admirable person as Benoit? Recent developments suggest that head trauma damaging Benoit's brain led to a case of dimensia, which may in part explain, well, the inexplicable. Regardless, Congress is gearing up to force WWE employees to testify in Washington while conducting its own independent investigation into the matter—hopefully it goes smoother than whatever the hell George Mitchell is cooking up, or else our government really is that inept.

There are two periods of my life when I closely followed and greatly enjoyed pro wrestling: ages 7-10 during the peaks of Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior’s careers, and 1999 towards the end of 2002, my late adolescent/college years. The early period is easy to explain: wrestling was bright and colorful, and kids enjoyed it tremendously. Eventually, these young boys grew into angst-filled young adults who got a kick out of the fuck-you attitude that Vince McMahon (and to a lesser extent, the NWO in WCW) had conjured with such stars as Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock. The moment that got me hooked onto my latter wrestling infatuation was Stone Cold driving a beer truck out to the ring and dousing the Rock, Vince McMahon and his cronies in Bud Light. I don’t care how silly it sounds; at age 16, it was cool. And so I watched WWF Raw and Smackdown! as often as I could, occasionally catching a pay-per-view at a friend’s house, getting one or two t-shirts featuring D-Generation X, and renting the best wrestling games Nintendo 64 had to offer.

What was the moment that ended my love affair with wrestling? Well, other than wounding the product with the purchase of WCW and then completely destroying that company’s legitimacy and credibility, I was completely turned off by Triple H climbing into a casket and “banging” a manikin dressed up in a cheerleader’s outfit. It was the idiotic storyline to trump all the idiotic storylines at the time, and even worse, these storylines were taking over the actual wrestling, which even during the late ‘90s was still the chief way of identifying with WWE.

I wasn’t alone in reacting to what Vince and co. did towards the end of 2002; the WWE’s ratings, house gates and merchandising fell off tremendously, and they haven’t recovered since. They were on the upswing in 2005 and 2006, but the Benoit situation this summer may yet become a fatal blow, depending on how Congress acts throughout the rest of this year. (Put it this way: if Congress tells Vince directly that his performers can’t use steroids, there goes the company.)

But as of September 2007, WWE is still touring rigorously, and this past Sunday they came to Nationwide Arena for a taping of their Monday Night Raw show. Growing up in Cincinnati, my parents probably would have preferred that I go to a strip bar than a wrestling show, but now as an independent adult with reasonable income expenditures, I was too curious to pass up on a $20 ticket in the cheap seats and finally get to see what the WWE was like in person.

The crowd outside waiting for the doors to open was what you’d expect: mostly white and blue-collar as hell. (and yes, that's a grown man with a title belt; there were lots of those in attendence)

I sent this one to straightcashhomey.net after snapping it. Any time you see a grown man in the #45, you need to showcase it to greater mankind for their benefit.


A supplementary reason for attending RAW was to also get a look at what Nationwide Arena is like. The verdict? It’s a beauty. The interior concourse is very polished and modern, and there are a few interactive game ports for hockey and what not, and the food, while obviously overpriced, looked excellent and there was a good variety to choose from. The seats in the arena are also padded and very comfortable. It's a great venue, and I should come here for a Blue Jackets game sometime this winter.


I won’t lie: I was extremely surprised to see a Muslim family at a RAW taping. Those of you who follow wrestling know the WWE loves its xenophobia storylines, from the Iron Sheik to Le Resistance to the borderline racist character Mohammad Hassan a few years ago. They were into it too! Like most of the females at the show, these girls went nuts for John Cena.


Most people have told me how surprised they are to see that the ring looks much smaller in person than it does on television. I had the same reaction. WWE does lots of weird and controversial things, but their production quality is consistently first-rate.

A sign the company may on the downward spiral again: my $20 ticket was meant for the upper concourse nosebleeds, but upon purchasing it I found myself in the lower bowl in Row T, not very far from the ring at all. Seven or eight years ago a seat like that would have cost me $40-$50 dollars. As it was, the upper concourse was blacked out, save for some fans on the “TV side” of the ring.

Here’s the TV side:


And here’s the blackout side:


The WWE still boasts about selling out its TV shows, but that’s not been the case for a while now. Nationwide holds around 16,000 at capacity, I’d say the crowd was a healthy 11,000-12,000 people, many (like myself) buying tickets an hour before the show began.


I didn't take too many shots of the wrestling and interviews, seeing as you're not going to get anything memorable 75 yards away from everything. (Not even John Cena in a bigass T-shirt.) The wrestling itself was only so-so. The show began with opening matches that would be taped on Sunday Night Heat, including the likes of Val Venis, Super Crazy, and JIM HACKSAW DUGGAN. I’m not kidding, Hacksaw Duggan, who people thought was old when I was ten, was in the house. He is a BIG guy. All in all, the best wrestling occurred on the Sunday Night Heat taping, mostly because RAW these days (as it has been since about the time I stopped watching it regularly) has all these bullshit backstage segments that bore the hell out of you and take away from some good wrestling.


Case in point: the Triple H match towards the end of the evening. Here’s what Triple H’s evening consisted of: about two minutes of introduction while he did his poses and the crowd went nuts for him; a taped segment later on making fun of Vince’s family, and just about a minute of actual wrestling in his handicap match against Umaga and Carlito (the match was quickly a BS DQ when Carlito and Umaga attacked at the same time, whatever), followed by three minutes of beating the shit out of Umaga with a chair and his phallic-shaped sledgehammer. Yeah, Triple H is a huge star and the king of this industry, but Rock and Stone Cold didn’t have their matches only last a minute before posing endlessly, they performed the heck out of shows. Of course, considering Triple H bangs the boss’s wife, I’m guessing he has a little bit of sway in some of the programming.

Speaking of that boss? Hey, you gotta take a picture of Vince McMahon when you get the chance. Like Nixon visiting China, McMahon’s the only one whose personality and philosophy is twisted enough that he can transform what was once just a good ol’ wrasslin’ program into a marketable business conglomerate. Unfortunately, the conglomerate is still in muddy waters with not only the Benoit situation but also with shoddy storylines and programming. A McMahon family confrontation was the final TV segment of the show (they also had Cena wrestle Mr. Kennedy afterwards to entertain the fans, which was a good gesture to give them their money’s worth). Apparently, Vince has a bastard child that’s about Shane’s and Stephanie’s age, and Linda wants to sue him for, well, whatever, I don’t care, they’ve run a hundred angles similar to this one. Anyways, it turns out that the bastard son is a WWE superstar! How did they announce this? They had a lawyer come out just before the show ended—and I’m fairly certain this is a character NO ONE HAD EVER SEEN ON TV BEFORE—and tell Vince this information. Well, he completely killed the show in several ways:

-He was wearing this yellowish cream suit that looked absolutely hideous,
-Obviously a little nervous, he called Vince “Mr. McCann,” which I found hilarious because it reminded me of Tim McCann, an upperclassmen at ND who lived in my dorm and enjoyed tormenting the hell out of me, and
-He pulled out a piece of paper with vital information on it, and then dropped it and was booed incessantly by the fans.

And that was the final segment of the TV taping. I’m not going to bother to watch it on television, but I can’t imagine that final segment coming off very well, unless they do a hell of a job editing out the “McCann” and paper drop parts. So yeah, what a way to end a show. And unfortunately that’s the kind of crap the WWE has used in its programming, and they’ve lost that casual audience that enjoyed both the personalities and the wrestling content.

Why do I keep harping on how great wrestling content still needs to be? Because the most enjoyable moment of the evening was a tag match between The World’s Greatest Tag Team against Brian Kendrick and Paul London. I’d never heard of Kendrick of London, but they both looked to be about 6’ and 175 pounds and proceeded to put on a great match. They were like the Hardy Boys with a higher degree of technical merit. (BTW, Jeff Hardy was in the opening match against Umaga, and he looked bad. It was an unbearably slow match that only picked up, like always, just before the pinfall. Jeff’s best days left him in 2001.)

The crowd responded extremely well to Kendrick and London, and that’s the kind of thing wrestling ought to implement more into its programming, instead of constantly creating silly storylines about Vince’s bastard kid or John Cena’s dad getting his ass kicked by Randy Orton (I’m not going to bother recapping that, it’s stupid). Of course, I’m sure the WWE has more important matters on their minds, like how to get back the audiences that left after what Benoit did.

Those audiences may never come back.

More Proof That the Big Ten Network Must Die

(blogger's note: this was supposed to be up this past Monday, but my Internet connection has been limited. Hopefully that'll change over the next couple of weeks.)

Here’s what I wrote about the Big Ten Network about a month ago:

"I know it's unlikely, but say Akron or YSU end up fielding a really competitive game against the Buckeyes, similar to how Ball State played Michigan last season. Wouldn't you be glued to the TV set under normal circumstances, monitoring the action like a hostage negotiator? But now there's a chance you'd at the very least have to go extra measures to watch your team(s) play, regardless of how big the game is. "

Well, last Saturday, albeit not in Columbus, we didn't see just a "really competitive game," we saw the greatest college football upset in history: Appalachian State (HOT HOT HOT!) 34, Michigan 32. Awesome, baby.

So, after you saw the end of the game were you flipping out and calling all your friends as fast as you…oh wait, you couldn’t get the game, could you? Thanks a lot, Big Ten Network. Thank you for screwing over the common fan from watching the impossible happen. Thank you for failing to negotiate with local cable providers in time so that fans all across the Midwest would either have to make a trek to a bar or friend’s place (and what does that say about elder fans who may have trouble getting around?) in order to catch their favorite team.

Speaking from firsthand perspective, the Big Ten Network royally, royally pissed off people here in Columbus. Whether it was at my temp job, at OSU, or even mentioned by the pastor during his sermon at my church (seriously!), no one was happy about the predicament, and everyone agreed that the BTN was a product not of access, but of greed.

The worst thing about the BTN is it doesn’t seem that the Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney cares for fans not getting the game if their cable providers don't agree to terms with BTN. Check out this article where he points the finger at the providers--rather than the BTN for being a really stupid idea--for not having "mature" discussions about making the sports channel part of their package. (Much of his whining is directed at Comcast, who are having all sorts of fun up in Michigan with this crock of shit.)

I caught the OSU game and the finish to the App State/Michigan game at a public party on Lane Avenue. Thankfully the campus area carries the BTN and I didn’t miss a beat of pretty shabby commentary (although I flipped out at seeing former Chicago Bears quarterback Mike Tomczack in the booth) and endless, endless shots of fans in the stands. ABC college gameday, this was not. When the OSU game finished, not one Buckeye fan got up; everyone stayed glued to the giant projectors for the enthralling conclusion to the Michigan contest—and enthralling it was, I haven’t screamed that much at a TV since Martin Scorsese finally won an Oscar last spring. When it was over, the Buckeye fans screamed, and complete strangers began high fiving each other before calling all their buddies to say, “Did you just see that!”…

…well, there’s the problem, they didn’t see that. Around campus, where students and staff can access the Big Ten Network free of charge, the news spread like wildfire, but in Hilliard, Dublin, Bexley, Westerville, Reynoldsburg, and everywhere else in/around the I-270 belt loop, people were missing out if they didn’t weren’t connected. And it sure as hell isn’t their fault.

Time Warner Cable: do not give in to this bullshit. It’s a right, not a privilege, to watch your team on a regular, weekly basis, and the BTN doesn’t deserve a cent more of all the money it has already needlessly drained from consumers and cable providers. May the Big Ten Network die a faster death than Karen Holbrook’s legacy.

Weekend roundup post-Labor Day, 9/4

UPSET OF UPSETS!!!! Appalachian State 34, That School Up North 32. I was at a public party on Lane Saturday watching the OSU game on the Big Ten Network (more on this crock of ass later today), when we started seeing score updates with the Mountaineers two touchdowns ahead of Michigan. Eventually that score was whittled down and even turned in favor of the Wolverines, but after the Buckeyes game finished we were able to see the final few drives. Armani Edwards has balls of steel, I'll tell you what. I thought his team was done for after that bad pick, but after App State blocked the first field goal, Edwards threw together and amazing two-minute drive to give his team that crucial field goal. To see the second field goal blocked? I mean, incredible. This game has to remind everyone of that killer Colorado-Michigan match from over ten years ago. What a great event.

Not so great...

I got home from the tailgate just in time to catch Notre Dame get destroyed repeatedly, suffering their worst opening day loss in school history. FUCKASS. That's what it was folks, a legitimate fuckass of a football game. By now you are aware of how horribly the offense played; well, scratch that, the entire team was a mess. GT quarterback Taylor Bennett only played semi-decently, yet the Yellow Jackets were able to destroy our linebackers with their running game through Tavaris Choice (unlike the Irish, GT also blocked extremely well). After a home loss like this, the next two games on the road--oh, for crying out loud, probably the rest of the season--look unbelievably forboding. If there's a silver lining it's that Michigan's team spirit has been seriously wounded, but going through Happy Valley the week before won't help matters.

Which leads me to a couple of comments color commentator Pat Haden (I'm pretty it's still Haden doing the coverage) said that irked me: midway through the third quarter he commented on how much more aggressive the ND defense looked, and just after he said those words, Choice bounced off several linebackers and safeties en route to a 40+ yard gain. I know stuff like that happens, but geez man, by the second half all compliments about the Irish should have been held to a minimum. The other comment that REALLY bugged me was saying both the offense and defense should look much more composed for their game against Penn State...are you freakin' kidding me??? IT'S BEAVER STADIUM! THEY'RE GONNA MURDER US! Think California fans from last Saturday night plus lots more beer and AA batteries and you'll get an idea of what Beaver Stadium will be like Saturday night.

We're in trouble.

Not nearly as in trouble are the Buckeyes, who yawned through a 38-6 victory over Jim Tressel's old school Youngstown State. Starting QB Todd Boeckman looked very relaxed as he threw for multiple touchdowns and no picks. Backup Robby Schoenhoft only saw a few series, but he had too much zing on the ball and had trouble finding the numbers of his receivers. Neither QB got a really serious test, and we might not see a true test of this team's offensive quality until Michigan State or Purdue (or maybe even Washington, if they are as poslished as they looked Saturday at Syracuse). If anything, the Buckeyes know they can't yawn through...oh geez. Okay, here's a joke going around campus: take the first letter of the first four opponents on the Buckeye's schedule, and find out the word that spells. But in all seriousness, that's not what they can do! I'm positive Tressell made an example of Michigan to his teammates, as did many Big Ten teams over the past couple of days.

I've already written too much...okay, a few more notes about the Cubs. I'm happy with the past Houston series, but like a lot of Cubs fans I'm frustrated with Big Z, and that's all I'm going to write about him. BTW, I know it's a hot thing to look for that spark in trades at the end of the season, but Steve Trachsel isn't the answer for getting to October. Remember, this is the guy who said Sammy Sosa was an impediment to the team while he was leading the National League in losses. I'm guessing they probably didn't get along.