Notre Dame 2007 Season Preview (aka fuck Mark May, the 2007 edition)

I waited through all of July, and I just can’t wait any longer. Let’s preview the college football season already!

As in real life, the private school gets attention first.
S01 GEORGIA TECH
The only thing I know about this Georgia Tech squad is that if they had the guy they currently have at QB (Taylor Bennett) a year ago, Calvin Johnson would have amassed 2,000 yards receiving and the Yellow Jackets might have wound up winning the ACC. Yes, I (and many others) are jumping to conclusions based on one Gator Bowl performance. Welcome to college football!

This is about as tough a test as the Irish will have in their first game (the one exception being Nebraska on the road in 2001, and what a nightmare that was), but I really can’t see them losing right out of the gate, especially at home with the students getting smashed on their first weekend on campus. Win

S08 @ Penn State
A game that terrifies me, and for obvious reasons. They say Penn State fans are the rudest and most mean-spirited of any in the Big Ten (this is a lie, however, when Michigan plays at OSU, big-time). Whenever people reminisce about the great ND-PSU games of yesteryear they remember the Irish wins, never the Nittany Lions’ victories. Can you imagine how ticked off PSU fans must be sometimes—especially after a season last year, where their team played its butt off but couldn’t overcome more talented opponents? This will be a foreboding experience for the Irish. Loss

S15 @ Michigan
We’re not winning this game. Loss, hopefully not by more than 2 TD's

S22 MICHIGAN ST.
Yet another historic rivalry that ills me for this fact alone: over the past six years, the away team has won this game. God tried changing that trend a year ago at Spartan Stadium, but He forgot that John L. Smith was the MSU coach and thus the Irish found a way to get back into the game. Thus, THIS is the year the trend changes! Win

S29 @ Purdue
The last time Purdue beat Notre Dame, Kyle Orton played the greatest game of his life at any level. WHERE IS YOUR ORTON NOW??? Win

O06 @ UCLA
Bold prediction: at least one team from Los Angeles will beat us this year. Loss

O13 BOSTON COLLEGE
By far, the most important game of the season. Don’t believe what the idiot at NDnation.com or anywhere else say: this is a rivalry. We haven’t beaten these guys in seven years, and we need to do so immediately. Those of you outside the realm of private school (and kudos to you, as you’re getting laid more often and finding more time to drink), Notre Dame grads and students often refer to BC as “Back-up College,” as a second-tier school to Notre Dame in many different ways…well, except for night life (Boston’s a bit bigger college town than South Bend) and athletics (BC has schooled us in most intercollegiate sports this decade), but otherwise, yeah, fuck Boston College. And fuck you guys for going to the ACC so you could get more money and bigger contracts with other football conferences. You should’ve just stayed independent and signed a deal with NBC, it’s more noble that way. Jerks. WIN, BITCHES, WIN

O20 SOUTHERN CAL
This is the only game I get to witness with my own two eyes this season, and if you think I'm predicting a loss you're crazy. Win

(But this should explain my UCLA pick as well)

N03 NAVY
‘Natch. Win

N10 AIR FORCE
Expect a lot of Armed Forces jokes leading up to this one. Win

N17 DUKE
This game is going to spark so many bad jokes I’m going to have to hide myself from my OSU buddies the following week (thankfully, it’ll be Thanksgiving weekend then). Win

N24 @ Stanford
Jim Harbaugh’s awesome, but still…Win

So, we tally up the wins and losses and...oh my, we've got an 8-3 record here! And with a schedule like this, that has to guarantee a BCS bowl appearance. So then, the Irish head to the Fiesta Bowl this upcoming January and get their ass kicked by a superior opponent, and we repeat the entire cycle of pundits saying how overrated Notre Dame is (starting and ending with Mr. Fucktard himself, Mark May, I'm sure).

The big question for the Irish this season? The quarterback position. Evan Sharpley probably starts out against Georgia Tech, but Demetrius Jones and some guy named Jimmy Clausen are equal possibilities as well (at least, that's what Weis wants you to believe).

So an 8-3 regular season isn't very likely, I'm aware of that. That said, we're not starting out the season in the top 25. GT, BC, USC, UCLA, Mich and Penn State are all ahead of us. If we beat even three of those teams, that makes us worthy of some props, right? Has to.

But alas, we're the Irish, and we're a very easy target when we lose.

Tom Glavine, you're OK

Congratulations Tom Glavine on his 300th win.

Congratulations Kerry Wood on returning to the major leagues for the first time since May of last year.

Kudos to fans for showing a lot of class towards Glavine last night.

Otherwise…

:(

Brady, put up; Browns, PAY UP

Okay, so you know negotiations between Quinn and Cleveland aren’t going all that great when the Browns’ front office is making comments that seem like they belong more in a divorce court than on a football field. GM Phil Savage has recently said how if you're not going to "rank" players in the draft, you might as well make it one big free agency swing.

Well, hey Phil, Quinn was ranked as a top ten prospect, but it's not his fault he was taken 22nd overall—it’s because the Miami Dolphins are stupid, and while they prepare to go into battle with Trent Green and a recovering Ted Ginn Jr., Quinn and co. wonder how the hell they got shafted so badly.

That said…the longer Quinn holds out, the less leverage he’s and agent Tom Condon are going to have in contract talks. Romeo Crennel is already giving Quinn the Parcells treatment (not referring to him by name in press talks, you'll find that in the previously linked article), and with Quinn missing both orientation and nearly a week and a half of training camp, it’s a good bet he might not even play in the upcoming regular season, although as recent history shows with Philip Rivers and Carson Palmer, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

If I’m a mind reader, I’m guessing the Quinn camp wants what I call “Matt Leinart money”—about $15 million in guaranteed money, probably $20-30 million over the next 5-6 years. For the 22nd overall pick, this is a ton, and that’s where this huge conflict is happening. It seems less and less likely that the Browns will end up signing him for this much, but they’ll certainly have to pay him more than what your typical 22nd overall pick might get, or this thing could turn into a meltdown of T.O./Ryan Leaf-esque proportions. I’m not kidding about that.

Well, at least Brady Quinn got to hang out with Brett Michaels, which means I'm only two or three degrees from herpes.

CliffX versus the Retarded USC Professor

Just as you’re about to head into the weekend with nothing to write about, bam, some idiot publishes a column on Page 2 on ESPN.com. The author of the column is Todd Boyd, a professor of critical studies at the University of Southern California School of Cinematic Arts. He’s also a distinguished author and media figure, having made appearances on such programs as the Today Show, CBS Evening News, Sportscenter, and Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher. He is a distinguished and reputable gentleman who appears to have made a good living expressing himself through writing and critical thought.

That said: it doesn’t seem like he can write worth shit.

I never heard of Todd Boyd until I saw his op-ed piece (if you can call it that) about Hank Aaron not following Bonds’ home run chase. If you read my Tour de France/Bud Selig blog about a week ago you know I feel Selig should be doing exactly what Aaron is doing in giving Bonds the cold shoulder. I have no problem with people holding a different opinion…

…but what the hell is this? When I first read through it I asked myself if it was actually satire. I even found Boyd’s USC email address and asked him directly. Seeing as he hasn’t responded yet, I must assume this was a legit tirade against Aaron think it’s necessary to the greater good of educated bloggers everywhere to deconstruct this unbelievably poorly written column.

So then, it’s time for round one of the Smart Notre Dame Alum versus the Idiot, Pot-smoking USC Movie Guy.

Body’s words are in bold, mine are normal font.

An open letter to Hank Aaron,

I really wish I didn't have to say what I'm about to say, but as my friend Branford Marsalis once told me, "Speak the truth and shame the devil."

I’m not sure what that means, but it’s innocuous enough.

Hopefully you are sitting down when you read this. OK, here it goes: Hank Aaron, you are a hater! That's right Hank, you're a full-fledged, bona fide, 100 percent playa hater of the highest order. There, I said it. What a relief.

Ummm…..

I was hoping you would come to your senses and realize how important it is for you to show Barry Bonds some love right now, in spite of whatever misgivings you might have about your home run record being broken. Hank, I wanted you to take the high road. But, no, you decided that you would, in essence, point a huge extended middle finger in Bonds' direction. As they say in Detroit, "If you don't start no s---, won't be none started." Well since you took it there, you leave me no choice.

WTF???

Okay, we need to break down this entire paragraph even further.

I was hoping you would come to your sense and realize how important it is for you to show Barry Bonds some love right now, in spite of whatever misgivings you might have about your home run record being broken.

Normally typing in all caps is viewed as rude: but now's a better time than ever to use it: BONDS IS A CHEATER! HE’S ALSO A HUGE ASSHOLE WHO PROBABLY BEATS UP HIS WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS! HE CARES ABOUT NOBODY EXCEPT HIMSELF! AND YOU WANT HANK TO “SHOW HIM SOME LOVE”???? ARE YOU RETARDED, OR MICHAEL IRVIN AND MERRIL HOGE ALL ROLLED UP INTO ONE?

Sheesh.

In case you are unfamiliar with the term "playa hater," Hank, let me pull your coat.

Oh, God…

A playa hater is someone who harbors extreme jealously and animosity toward someone else's success, especially if that person's success overshadows his own.

Minus the “playa hater” lingo this is actually a fine way to start an argument, that Aaron may very well be jealous about what Bonds is about to accomplish.

As Puff once said on Biggie's track "Playa Hater," "You see, there are two kind of people in the world today. We have the playaz and we have the playa haters." Well, Hank, your refusal to recognize Bonds' accomplishments clearly demonstrates that you are in the latter camp.

But then the distinguished professor decided to quote Diddy (and how’s this for street cred: he doesn’t even go by Puff Daddy anymore, he’s Diddy! Ha! A white boy just schooled your ass!), and the column permanently went down the tubes.

Stop hiding behind this steroid garbage, Hank. Your real motives are a bit transparent here. First, you said you didn't want to travel to see Bonds break your record, but then you end up traveling to Puerto Rico? C'mon Dawg, that ain't pimpin!

Yes, shockingly Hank Aaron felt that redeeming his sky miles for a relaxing vacation in a beautiful country would be much more satisfying than flying up to the Bay Area to see some jerkoff break baseball’s most hallowed record. Also, I would love to see you go up to Aaron and say, “Yo Dawg, you been pimpin’?” I’m sure this would go over extremely well with him.

You are the same man who once forgave John Rocker for his vicious verbal sins, after originally saying that his comments had made you sick, but now you can't give Bonds a break?

A reasonable point, although I think it’s a bit off-track.

You are hurting my heart, Hank. You are no longer my favorite Mobile, Ala., native, either. I have taken that title and bestowed it on the rapper Rich Boy; throw some D's on it, indeed!

…God damn it…

At age 24, I guess I'm getting uncool already, because I had to Google "Throw Some D's On It" and I found the lyrics to the song. (I'd listen to it too but I'd rather not take that risk at work.) In the interest of fairness, I'll just say the rap is, uh, unoriginal.

The streets have lost respect for you too, Hank. You once had street cred, just "on the strength," as they say. You were Big Bank Hank to us. The fact that you had to endure so much hatin' yourself on your way to breaking Babe's record meant you always had much love in the streets. No more, though.

Congratulations, Todd Boyd, on completely and totally disgracing the achievements of Hank Aaron and what he meant to not only baseball but American culture. This entire “street cred” concept is absolute bullshit and ignores the big picture here: Hammerin’ Hank Aaron is much more than “street cred,” he is an American hero—and in the twenty-first century, we’re losing sports heroes by the minute, it seems. Tom Brady fathers a kid out of wedlock. Kobe Bryant stands trial for rape. Michael Vick, simply put, completely fucks up his career. And Barry Bonds remains as veiled, ignorant and mean-spirited as ever as he stands on the brink (forever, it now seems) of passing Aaron. Remember that banner at the Phillies game a year ago as Bonds was chasing Ruth’s total? “Ruth did it on hot dogs and beer; Aaron did it with class. What did YOU do it with?” So congratulations on completely missing the point about why Hank is no-showing Bonds. For further reading I’d suggest you check out Ryne Sandberg’s Hall of Fame speech on what it means to play the game the right way. Now there’s a hero for you, along with Aaron.

Don't get me wrong, Bonds isn't the most street credible cat. For one, there's not enough bass in his voice. But in spite of that, hip-hop still loves an anti-hero and Bonds most certainly fits that bill.

So a crippled man in his 40's getting booed at every away stadium he plays at = hip-hop. Thanks for clearing that up.

If Bud Selig doesn't show his face then that's one thing. In some ways Selig's absence would further Bonds' status as an anti-hero. But even Selig softened his stance and started attending Bonds' games.

So does this give Bud Selig street cred? I mean, it has to, right?...do you see how silly your argument has become yet???

So Hank, you're the last remaining holdout. As Eddie told Priest in "Super Fly," "You better come on in, man!"

I wonder if anyone in the present hip-hop culture even knows who or what Superfly is.

Hank, I'm not asking you to kiss the area of Bonds' lower backside where people have suggested he injected steroids. I'm just asking you not to get caught up in all this drama. Make an appearance, shake his hand, whisper to him that you think he is a "big water head boy" and then once out of sight go wash your hands if you want to.

And Hank might have just listened to this very sound advice if you didn’t insult him in the first paragraph…

Just don't let yourself be used by people who don't have your best interests at heart.

Now where the FUCK does this line of judgment come from???? Who the fuck is putting Aaron down?

Some of these same people once wished you ill will as you were about to surpass Babe and now they're acting like they love you so much. Don't believe the hype. This change of heart seems just a bit disingenuous to me.

I’m sure Boyd's correct in this regard; I bet a lot of people who had scorn for Aaron passing Ruth—and let’s just put in it plain language, they had scorn to see a black man passing a white man’s record—have much more scorn for what Bonds is doing. The thing I detest about these previous few sentences is that Boyd is insinuating that the white man has Aaron in their pocket as they decry Barry Bonds, and to me, that is complete, utter fucking bullshit. Fuck you, Todd Boyd, for merely suggesting the idea that white people are using Aaron for their own selfish needs. Fuck you, and fuck your Trojans too (that’s a personal jab, but still, fuck the Trojans).

I'm asking you one last time, Hank, please reconsider. This is not a good look. You have left Bonds hanging and this is a crime. History will frown upon your selfish actions, Hank.

Remember somebody actually wrote this when you see Bonds get indicted this winter.

Put down that glass of haterade that you've been drinking and get on the next plane headed in Bonds' direction. Or else, prepare yourself for the inevitable: having your ghetto pass revoked.

(too afraid to respond to this one)

I know you and a lot of other older African-Americans such as Bill Cosby don't like us hip-hop heads. I know you think we are taking the race backward, and with Flavor Flav getting so much attention these days it's getting harder to argue that point, but give us a break. No, we did not get attacked by dogs and water hoses back in the day. No, Bonds has not gone through what you went through. We know this. But times have changed. We recognize your struggles, but we need you to recognize ours too. This is the era of "mo' money, mo' problems," Dawg, and your refusal to acknowledge Bonds is one of those problems right now.

First off, the “Mo’ money, mo’ problems” era died when Ma$e found religion for about ten days and Justin Timberlake became a regular on BET (and then went on to do “Dick in a Box” and thus we essentially were finished with the “Mo’ money, mo’ problems era. Now we have so much money we’re makin’ it rain! LOL!) Second…hey man, whatever happened to doing the right thing? This is where the bullshit about street cred blows Boyd’s argument out of the water and into writer’s purgatory. If street cred is defined by the actions of guys like Vick, Bonds, and Pac-Man Jones, you have to think Aaron doesn’t want to be apart of that crowd. Come on, these guys, whatever “street cred” they may have, have been made into villains by mainstream media. Look at the big fucking picture for a change.

Hank, I hope you take this in the spirit it was intended. I didn't want to call you out. Really.

Liar.

But your actions, or lack thereof, about this whole Bonds thing are just straight up hatin', pure and simple. So do yourself a favor, stop hatin' and get your mind right, Brotha.

Nice job with the grammar there, Dr. Boyd. Clearly you belong at a place like USC.

'Cause if you free your mind, I guarantee, your ass will follow.

The first time I ever heard this comment was when the Parliament Funkadelic came to Notre Dame (no, really, this happened in 2002) and some bass player wearing nothing but a diaper and yelled several times, “Free your mind, and your ass will follow.” It was a pretty bad concert, all things considered; George Clinton didn’t show up until an hour into the set and he looked stoned off his ass (as did a few other band members). But then, I suppose you’d need to be stoned to play in front of a bunch of Notre Dame students.

Peace, The Notorious Ph.D.

You suck.

The most disappointing thing about this column is that I do believe Boyd makes legit remarks, such as the idea that Aaron very well may be jealous of what Bonds is doing, or even the John Rocker tangent (although he has to provide a citation of Aaron saying he forgives Rocker--oh wait, this is Page 2, and not actual reporting, never mind). But Boyd's need to bog everything down in this "keeping it real" kind of speak results in a disaterously shitty column. This is one of the worst things Page 2 has ever churned out, and that's saying something for a web page that's kept Jim Caple employed this long.

Hey Boyd, here's keeeping it real for you: 755 career home runs, all achieved through hard work and sacrfice, without an ounce of unnatural chemicals in his body. That's Hank Aaron, and he's kept it more real than you could ever hope to be, BITCH.

GO IRISH.

So anyways, the Big Ten Network is set to fuck you over

In the twenty-first century, few things could make less century could make less sense than college football fans being blacked out from seeing their hometown team on television. But there's a great possibility for that to happen when the Big Ten Network launches at the end of this month.

Buckeye fans not subscribed to the network could be set to miss the opening games against Akron and Youngstown State. Yes, I'm writing a blog complaining about how I might not get to see OSU play Akron or Youngstown State on TV (in all likelihood I'm going to scalp a ticket to one of these games anyways). But this is the kind of slippery slope that is going to lead to one of these premium networks--be they the Big Ten Network or NFL Network or whomever--that will result in a large percentage of fans missing out on a huge game or performance and result in eighty thousand pissed off phone calls to Time Warner, who were blameless in the first place.

I know it's unlikely, but say Akron or YSU end up fielding a really competitive game against the Buckeyes, similar to how Ball State played Michigan last season. Wouldn't you be glued to the TV set under normal circumstances, monitoring the action like a hostage negotiator? But now there's a chance you'd at the very least have to go extra measures to watch your team(s) play, regardless of how big the game is.

You see, true fandom shouldn't come with a price tag, like with what Boston did with this president of Red Sox Nation thing recently. It doesn't matter where your season tickets are in the Horseshoe, or how many Troy Smith jerseys you have in your closet. You know a true sports fan when you see him and hear him talk, and you get that sense of what it takes to understand the logistics of it all. And yes, only men can be true sports fans. Man law.

Further reading about problems with the Big Ten Network right here.

A moment for the victims of the Minneapolis bridge collapse

My good friend Jason called me at about 10:30 last night, asking me if I had CNN or Fox News or anything of that sort. When I reminded Jason that I'm poor (and thus the answer was no), he informed me of the Minneapolis bridge collapsing early last evening, killing anywhere from 4 to 7 people and injuring dozens more. It seemed the accident struck a little close to home for Jason; he's spent the past year working for Americorps in Point Pleasant, West Virginia, which in 1967 had a bridge collapse of its own, killing 46 people.

Obviously we're going to hear reports and witness lobbying over stricter bridge/construction testing over the next several months, because that's what catastrophes do to society--be they man-made like a bridge collapse or natural disasters such as Hurricane Katrina. Watching footage of the bridge this morning on Good Morning America (which they profiled extensively before cutting to a Diane Sawyer interview with Nicole Ritchie, which I think is absolutely hilarious), I guess one should be thankful that the death toll, while awful, isn't more than it is. The bridge looks like something out of a movie set, like one of those old disaster films from the 70's. I'll definitely be thinking good thoughts for the people of Minneapolis, especially those who lost someone to the accident.

In a sports-related story, the Twins decided to play on last night so as not to have their fans go back onto the highways and possibliy interfere with rescue operations. They've postponed tonight's game and groundbreaking ceremony for a new stadium, however.

NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING

No talking about anything until September 29th. No thinking allowed, either. In the meantime, Murton sure has crazy hair. It's redder than mine, even.