Ohio Head, Chicago Heart

UC/Rutgers Livebloggeroo- The Second Half

2007-10-06T21:46:00.000-04:00

Quarter 4

FINAL- CINCINNATI 28- RUTGERS 23. Good game.

1:07- 3rd and 5. Greg Moore runs...for a first down. Game over. Praise be to God. The chains confirm the first down. BEARCATS WIN!!!! All is right with the world.

1:07- Mauk...passes? Fair enough. Pass is caught for a few yards. My dad screams, "Stay in bounds you dumbass!" He listened. Rutgers is out of timeouts now.

1:15- Rutgers has one timeout left. Cincy is on their second down. The Rutgers fans are streaming out of the stadium. Beauty is found.

1:19- INTERCEPTION BY MANALAC!!!! THIRD INTERCEPTION BY THEM TONIGHT. Perfect. Teel blows it again! Jabu wouldn't have thrown. He would have run for the touchdown. Jabu needs justice!!!!!

1:44- Tim Brown catches a tipped pass, gains a first down. He's got a better case than Ray'R does for Heisman tonight.

2:03- Straight pass for twenty yards. DeAngelo Smith wrestles with him to the ground. First down.

2:13- Teel's repeating from last week. Starting at their own twenty, two minute drill, need a touchdown to score. Rice a la flambe for a first down to their own 43.

2:13- Cincy's MVP, their punter, boots it nicely to within the ten, but it bounces into the endzone. Damn that would have been sweet.

2:24- Moore up the middle for a short gain. Timeout by Rutgers, who have two remaining. 3rd and 4 on their own 48. Short screen broken up. Fuck me. They're punting.

3:26- Cincy's at the point where they're sitting on the line, wasting time. That is a good sign. Ramsey up the middle for a short gain.

4:00- Short pass to Moore. First down? Maybe. Jason McCordy stops him. That twin will not be killed in the sacrifice. First down!

4:44- I think Bob's running out of stuff to talk about. This is the fifth mention of Mauk's arm troubles and his multiple pins this half. He's probably on repeat at this point. Like a parrot. Or Dr. Sbaitso.

4:53- Ray'R's out, so guess what? PASS. Teel's pass is....deflected and almost intercepted. Dear God, you're playing with my heart. Punt goes into the end zone for a net punt of 21 yards. Smart move there, Schiano. Show some guts.

5:45- I'm not the only one making the rice jokes. Cue Bob Davie! Now if only there were bionic rice...

6:50- Ray'R gains six. Oh noes!!! He's gaining steam in his wooden steam basket!

7:00- Ruters starts from their own 37. Ray'R gets a first down. Menu up!

7:00- Mauk fumbles. He will be our ruin during the Golden Age. Life is over. Fuck you Mauk.

7:30- Mauk runs. He gains. He will save us from ourself when the world ends. Mauk Mauk.

8:50- I think Moore, of the running back by groupthink, had a better day than Ray'R. I'll check that later.

9:48- Moore in motion, rolls to his right, short pass, nice first down.

10:00- Ito kicks a field goal. It-o. RUTGERS 23- CINCY 28

10:05- Teel tries to be Mauk and fails. BUT, Tolbert, free safety for the Bearcats, did manage to knock out DeAngelo Smith, his own teammate. Good play.

10:43- 2nd down and 5 from Cincy's 25. Nakamura, he of the many blackbelts, makes a nice open field tackle against Ray'R. Dinner is served.

10:43- Brian Kelly calls his last timeout of the half. Why? Only God knows. And even he's confused. Omniscient and confused. Think about it. It's a riddle.

11:50- But he can catch. Ray'R gets a huge gain from a short reception.

12:45- Ray'R stuffed for a loss. Before this drive , he was 27 carries for 71 yards. Not a good day.

13:00- Jabu! Runs for a first down. Keep him in! The Xena attack hasn't failed you yet. Do it for the children.

14:30- Dubious reception by Rutgers, but whatever. It's a pity call.

15:00- Ray'R runs! Really far! For him today, at least.

Quarter 3

END OF QUARTER- Man, that was exciting. 30 seconds can make a huge difference. Tits.

0:28- Mauk goes deep to Gilyard...again. Touchdown. RUTGERS 20- CINCY 28

Fun fact about Gilyard: Slept in his car last year. I like his style. I would make a New Jersey mechanic joke, but it's too easy.

0:33- Put in Jabu! Teel intercepted by Revels. Jabu cries.

0:48- Holding? On a kickoff? That NEVER happens! Well refs, you've given Rutgers their necessary penalty. Now you can continue to shit on the Bearcats.

0:52- Barnett up the middle. TOUCHDOWN! Tits. RUTGERS 20- CINCY 21

1:30- Cincy lines up with not enough men on the line of scrimmage. Call a timeout. Holy fuck, guys, c'mon! You weren't making this many mistakes against San Diego State, the powerhouse of the Mountain West Conference. What's going on?

1:30- 2nd and goal, Mauk sticks to his legs and goes to the two. Trust yourself, Mauk. You can beat them by yourself.

2:01- HAHA! Gameclock turned back. Cincy lines up. False start! Great concentration dudes. And....my dad goes livid. Lifelong Bearcats fan.

1:57- Odd play. Handoff from Mauk, Moore drives to the 1, fumbles forward, picked up by Cincy. Touchdown! Or is it? The review looks like he was down at the one. Damn.

2:11- Mauk finds Gilyard again thirty yards away. He's open, high pass. Caught. First down.

3:15- Dear lord, Mauk throws a beautiful 50 yard pass to Gilyard, who catches it and drops it. The cybernetics wins again.

Oh Haruki. Your ninja powers wouldn't let you get that interception? You shame your city and your coach. But I still love you.

3:30- Near interception. Bring out the field goal unit! it's good. RUTGERS 20- CINCY 14

3:40- Teel chucks it into the endzone. Broken up by...Nakamura, he of the many blackbelts.

4:38- Jabu returns! First down. Apparently that's a single wing offense. I'll call it the Xena attack. I know football.

4:57- Ray'R has a positive run for once! And he nearly gets a first down. He about doubled his rush stats with that four yard gain.

5:38- Tim Brown is the unsung hero of the Rutgers offense. The little man went up. First down on the Rutgers 20.

5:53- 3rd and ten at their own twenty, Underwood receives the short pass and gains about twenty, thanks to an uncalled block to the back. Ballsack

6:39- Rice gets stuffed. Give it up to the Bearcats' defense. They've taken Ray'R off the menu. Lolz

7:04- Who's got the ball? Oh yeah, UC. Punt! Almost downed on the 1 yard line, but the greased pig jumped over the UC defender. Balls.

USC lost. Booty. Back to the game.

Brief intermission as I watch the end of the Stanford/USC game

HOLY SHIT: Stanford up 1 on USC with a minute left in the game. Holy shit, go trees.

8:53- 4th and 6, Rutgers punt from Cincy's 47. Punt lands on the 10, rolls toward the endzone with three Rutgers players chasing it, a dive and.....touchback. The greased pig got away.

OTHER SPORTS UPDATE: Cubs lost. Suck it, Cliff.

9:26- Tim Brown runs for a yard, gets drilled out of bounds, refs call a late hit penalty. Fucking bullshit. That was momentum, asshole. Mickens knocked himself out to get that late hit. Give him some credit.

9:33- Little side note- The last time the Bearcats were 5-0 was the same year my dad was born. The ciiiiircle of life (my dad's not dead, I just find this cyclical). Ray'R runs for a first down.

10:16- Hey, remember when you guys pulled the no-huddle offense and scored? Think it'll work again? Well, doesn't matter. Glatthaarr runs to the left and scores!!!! Ggllaatthhaarrrrrrrrrr!! Peter Saarsgaard, somewhere, is crying a tear of joy. RUTGERS 17- CINCY 14

10:30- They're going for it! QB sneak. Mauk's bionic arm throws him through the crowd for a first down.

10:30- Fourth and inches at the 6, ready for the quick run. Guess what? Let's call timeout to mull it over! As my dad says, "If you can't get six inches, you don't deserve to play." Another lifelong Bearcats fan.

11:10- Redzone offense. Mauk throws high, close to a first down. 4th and 1. What to do, what to do?

12:25- Moore runs for a big gain up the middle, thirty yards. Nakamura blesses us all!

12:45- Teel throws deep. Nakamura interception! Jabu wouldn't have thrown the ball. Food for thought, Rutgers.

13:35- Jabu's back! And he runs for 3 yards. And now Teel's back. I like this scheme.

14:30- Teel goes deep on 2nd and long. Twenty yard gain or so. Ball at midfield.

15:00- Opening kickoff to Rutgers. Halftime stats: 20 yards rushing for Rutgers. Ray'r isn't having a Heisman game thus far.

HALFTIME STORY TIME

Like I said, I've been a lifelong Cincy football fan. That's kinda like saying I enjoy mediocrity for a living. I mean, I could root for OSU, but then again, I could be a douchebag as well. It's a lifestyle choice. Don't persecute me for my beliefs.

I attended UC's last home game, a beatdown of Marshall. It was the first time that Nippert Stadium had been sold out in decades. Well, at least sold out for a college football game. That stadium sells out all the time for minor league amateur football (I mean high school ball) all the time. But it really was something special to see 33,000 people at Nippert. And to root for the Bearcats too! There were even students attending! They get in for free, so I know how difficult it is to go to a game that occurs right in the middle of campus. It was nice to see commitment.

I arrived in the second quarter of the game. Oktoberfest Zinzinnati took precedent over a football game for me. When I arrived, I received a shirt saying, "Come Early, Wear Black, Be Loud." I wore gray and was silent/unconscious. I'm a great fan. It wasn't much of a game, which is a complete shame because I lived in the middle of Marshall territory until recently and really wanted to at least see them do well. But no. I sat under the nice awning, talked to my relatives, drank some beer, and then went to play Guitar Hero. On the way out, I stumbled and knocked over a pile of chairs. It was a good night.

Anyway, my point of this is: even if UC doesn't win the game, I'll still have my hazy memories of them beating sub par teams. Where huh, Bearcats. Where huh.

Livebloggeroo!!!! Cincinnati/Rutgers

2007-10-06T19:42:00.000-04:00

Quarter 2

END OF HALF- Good going, Rutgers. You're holding UC to a touchdown in the first half. You're beating them in the turnover ratio. BUT. Your offense isnt' doing much. You're benefitting from Cincy's mistakes more than creating your own opportunities. We'll see how this goes. jerks. Where huh!

1:47- And they profile Byrd, of the UC defense. Talk about his size, hometown, blah blah blah. I can tell you what you need to know. He's a showboat and undisciplined. I don't like him.

1:56- This is NFL Blitz yardage. C'mon, Brian Kelly. Don't be a wuss. Go for it. Nope, he punts. Just like he's playing Madden. Pussy.

OFFICIAL REVIEW: The ball was underthrown (the bionics are breaking down!) and the receiver had to slide to catch it. Bob Davie thinks it's a catch. I'll go with Bob, who inspired me to talk about bionics during a football game. I love you Bob.

My guess: There's no indisputable evidence, really. So I'll say the call is upheld. But I'm wrong. 4th and 30 at UC's 36. Dick.

1:56- 3rd and 30, Mauk goes back. Guess what he does? Throws deep. First down. Now it's under review.

3:11- Jason McCordy gets called for pass interference. Earlier his brother caught an introduction. Mrs. McCordy must choose which child to keep.

3:28- Ramsey, in order to make up for earlier fumble, receives the kickoff and pulls a herd along with him for a three yard gain. You know, the more defenders you attract to you to gain that extra yardage, the more chances they have of stripping the ball. Stop it.

3:28- Apparently, Mrs. Ray'R made the joke that they'll be serving Rice at the Heisman award dinner. While I respect the original pun, the law of punnery states that a pun becomes less funny the longer it lives. The more times I hear that joke by ESPN and other sports outlets, the more I think of euthanasia. ESPN, please do the moral thing and let Mama R have her baby live!

3:32- Cincy, who now has 11 people on the field, couldn't stop Ray'R from driving in for a touchdown. RUTGER 17- CINCY 7

4:04- On the six yard line, Ray'R finally gets some blockers and runs to the 1. Next play, tries to run to the sideline, no gain (maybe a loss). Nakamura, he of the many blackbelts, stops him. Maybe I was wrong about him. Nah, they got called for 12 men on the field. Nevermind.

4:32- Ahhh. This is the Bearcats team I grew up with. We'll stop you, and cheat too! Ray'R stuffed, tackled, and draws the facemask. Go Bearcats!

5:22- After a nice pass up the middle for a first, Rutgers is at Cincy's 15. First down, no gain. C'mon, block for Ray'R. You blocked for Jabu!

6:33- Teel sacked by Smith. Byrd loses his helmet. That's a metaphor.

7:57- Teel to Brown, 19 yard game. Tim Brown has been having a good game. Granted, he's opposite Nakamura for the game, who gets good INTs, but is not a standout CB otherwise.

8:41- A nice throw by Teel puts Rutgers at midfield. Then Ray'R runs again for little gain. No blockers, man. No blockers.

9:42- It seems like Rutgers are confused on offense, despite their lead. Ray'R hasn't shown his Heismaninity, Teel got pulled for a third RB, and so far they've only put up 3 points of offense.

10:37- Rutgers at their own 20 yard line, Teel throws for a sixteen yard game. Bring back Jabu!

10:45- Mauk throws for a long gain. Then Ramsey fumbled on the next play. Sloppy. Sloppy. Bastards.

10:51- 3rd and 9, Mauk in the shotgun....timeout. By the way, Bob Davie is announcing the game. hoorah.

11:22- Rush yards thus far: Cincy 45, Rutgers 8. That sounds odd. Jabu needs to be back in the game.

12:00- The one thing that has been killing Rutgers is when UC goes into the no-huddle. That's where the last touchdown came from, and they're in it right now and moving downfield (when they're not making false starts, of course). Mauk throws for a short pass, first down at the 43.

13:00- ESPN shows an update from the ND/UCLA game. ND couldn't drive it into the endzone from 1 yard away. Then they mention that UC's getting Demetrius Jones. You have no idea how awesome it feels to be getting the detritus from the mighty Notre Dame. Too bad we don't need him. We have Tony Pike.

13:03- Rutgers in the red zone. Two incomplete passes to the endzone. 30 some yard field goal attempt....good. RUTGERS 10- CINCY 7

14:oo- Wait...Teel's back. And he's throwing. I don't know what they're doing with the QB thing. I think they just want a three RB thing going on.

15:00- Lovelace isn't trusted to throw the ball. First they ask him to run. Then the direct snap to Ray'R. Now, the second snap he gets, he runs.

Quarter 1

END OF QUARTER- I don't know why they pulled Teel, I think he just got benched. But now is Ray'R's time to shine! And son of Xena too. Good start to the game. Both offenses are starting to warm up. The defenses, though, are very spotty. Great takeaways, with some solid stands, but the secondaries have shown some holes.

0:15- Ray Rice runs all through Cincy's D-line. By the way, he's in line for the Heisman. But so was that QB from Louisville. And Kentucky. So I'm not going to mention it again until Rutgers actually beats someone (and stops losing to Maryland).

1:45- Rutgers at midfield after a Ray Rice Run (trademarked). Rice runs up the middle, 3 yard gain. Gotta admit, the guy is growing on me. And he's from the same town as Richard Roundtree!

2:19- Jabu Lovelace (son of Xena) is in to QB for Rutgers. Shotgun snap, gives himself the ball (like Xena would), runs for a first down.

3:08- The announcers talk gushingly about the "abs of steel" and "six packs" on the Bearcats' team. And you think I'm the one using sensual language.

3:14- Back from the timeout, Mauk to Goodman, falling backwards into the endzone, the safety is all over his body, hands rubbing his belly sensuously....TOUCHDOWN!!!! Pass interference (and sexy touching) called on the defense, but it's declined. RUTGERS 7- CINCY 7

IN OTHER GAMES- Notre Dame is losing to UCLA. Go figure.

3:31- Mauk goes deep, thirty yard TD pass....broken up in the end zone. It's like they knew he's throw a bomb at that point... Oh well, next play, he runs for a first down. Mauk Mauk!

4:23- Converted 3rd down attempt...on a run. The humans are fighting back.

4:45- "They have to run the ball at some point." Yeah, but there are no cyborgs at fullback anymore. Not after the Ohio Robot Running Act of '45.

4:52- Hey, look! He does it again! If I were Rutgers' defensive coordinator, I'd be seeing a pattern!

4:54- Mauk goes back for a fifty yard, Brett Favre pass. Nobody near. The bionic arm is taking over.

ANALYSIS THUS FAR- What the hell happened to the offense? Neither team is really showing the influence that Louisville has had on the Big East. C'mon!

5:04- Mauk steps back, throws a short pass, intercepted by Devin McCorty, runs back from a touchdown. Not tits. Rutgers 7- Cincy 0

6:15- Cincy ball on the 35. Run up the middle. Stuffed. Ben Mauk would have gotten 30 yards with his bionic feet.

6:41- 3rd and 8. Rutgers qb goes back. Basic screen pass. Fail!

7:16- Wait... Rutgers has the ball at the 26 somehow. What happened? I was too busy talking about fucking Connor Barwin.

7:21- Third down, incomplete pass to...Connor Barwin!!!! The last white person to play on the Bearcats since Bobby Brannen.

7:40- Mauk goes back to pass, Rutgers brings in the blitz. He had more time than Romo to throw. Scramble, scramble, scramble. Juke, jive, wail. Missed tackle and missed tackle. Throw the ball! Incomplete. good job.

7:54- Rutgers stuck on the 1, fourth down, suicide punt. 40 yard punt, taken to the 30. Damn, no tits.

9:24- Rice gets the ball, pushed backwards, nearly a safety. Near tits.

9:24- Brian Kelly said that the punter is the MVP of the Bearcats. Uh oh.

9:24- They keep showing Chad Johnson on the Go Daddy.com commericals. Danica Patrick is also their sponsor. Ben Roethlisberger does Big Heads. Of these three, who has won something important? I guess sponsors DO matter.

10:00- Third down and long. Shotgun spread. Sack! Fourth down, Cincy punts (bastards), downed on the 1 yard line. Tits.

10:52- Angelo Craig takes the ball out of the receivers hands. Interception a la mode! And that explains why Cincy leads the nation in turnovers.

11:57- Ray Rice ransacked in the rear! No gain. Then he introduces the team! But he switches up the letters. Doesn't want to show off.

12:04- Scratch that. I got confused. 4 and 1, run the ball at midfield. No gain. Rutgers ball. Balls.

12:11- And he can run! First down! And Rutgers calls a timeout.

13:3o- Sacktastic! Just as they talk about Miracle Mauk, the O-line lets him down. No worries, his robotic arm can't be stopped. Next play, twelve yard pass.

14:05- 3rd and 18, what do you do? Mauk to Gilliard, first down.

14:11- Second delay of game penalty on the Bearcats. Well played, Jersey. We know your time runs on metric time here, but it takes awhile to get used to it.

14:53- Ha! Cincy had Kevin Youkilis, of Red Sox fame, to introduce the team. Rutgers had Devin Foster. Where dat.

14:56- Cincy receives the kickoff, starts at their own 25 or so. They keep talking about his bionic arm or some garbage. We don't discriminate the robotic race.

15:00- "Both these teams looking for validation." You're damn right, announcer.

15:00- The estimated attendance of the game is 43,ooo. Nippert Stadium in Cincinnati holds 34,ooo. Together, these two teams' stadiums holds 75% of Ohio State's Stadium. Powerhouse!

Pre-game Background Check- Get to know your Cincinnati Bearcats:

1) The Bearcats have not been ranked since 1976 when my dad attended there. That's an entire generation without a ranking. Now that's history.

2) I was there when the Bearcats beat Wisconsin in 1999. Ron Dayne gained 200 some yards on a sprained ankle, hopped up on bug juice. Suckers.

3) Cincinnati is ranked and undefeated. I don't feel comfortable with that.

Now, Rutgers!

1) Rutgers is the birthplace of American football. The Middle East is the birthplace of civilization. There ya go.

2) Rutgers lost to Cincy last year. I watched the game from my apartment in West Virginia. It was the last time I cried.

3) Ray Rice is the most alliterative running back in all of college football.

Howdy. My name is Jason. Cliff asked me to post some crap on his blog, oh, about two weeks ago. So here I am, just in time for the matchup of the week.....LSU/Florida!!!! Nah, just kidding. I'm doing UC/Rutgers, the Bearcats vs. the Scarlet Knights, Ohio Pride and New Jersey Black Hole.

I don't really know any of the players names, nor do I have a strong grasp of the rules of football, but I'm here to prove Cliff wrong.

Pre-game prediction: Bearcats 60-Rutgers 4.

(Note: I am a lifelong Bearcats fan, having attended their football games since I was nine. So there's the bias)

2007-10-06T17:05:00.001-04:00

More tomorrow because I'm very tired and very busy, but...

2007-09-23T23:31:00.000-04:00

It's taken four years to feel this good again to be a Cubs fan.

Knock on wood for the next four weeks.

Crunch Time

2007-09-22T00:45:00.001-04:00

The last time I saw a Cubs team playing this solidly going into the final week of September, they knocked off the Astros in 2003 to handidly take the NL Central. I won't jinx them the way Richard Justice did when he predicted on PTI that Chicago would reach the World Series in a month, but I agree with him that you can't see our bullpen doing any better than this. Carlos Marmol truly has taken on the role of an unsung hero, but it hasn't been merely in August where he's shown brilliance. I remember earlier in June/July when Ted Lily was thrown out of a game in the first inning against the Braves (it was a BS move--the ump thought he was intentionally throwing at Edgar Renteria but Lily had an 0-2 count on the guy, for crying out loud), and Marmol came in to do several innings of dirty work, doing a great job. The Cubs didn't win, but you could see the potential in him and other players like Mike Fontenot, who hit his first home run that game as well.

Now the promise of youth combined with the flashy stars of D-Lee, Soriano and Lily are paying off; instead of outpitching, the Cubs outslugged the Pirates this afternoon in convincing fashion. Soriano has taken criticism from both fans and his own manager this season for his hitting habits, but he hit the ball this week as well as he has the entire season. More importantly, Aramis Ramirez looks completely healed, which is sooooooooo important to this lineup (A-Ram:D-Lee::Man-Ram:Ortiz). I still have no idea who the hell Geovany Soto is, but I like him!

Well, I've gone off and broken my rule about praising the Cubs several times now, so let me finish this portion of the weekend preview by giving my team a pep talk:

Forget next year. Forget whomever's going to spend a billion to own you. Forget all the bandwagon fans who hopped on after 1998 and than waddled into the sunset after Dusty was fired. Take care of business at home, playing not the way you must play, but the way you can play. That's why you're in Chicago.

(If they're in a spot to clinch next weekend in Cincy, I'm doing everything in my power to see that game in person. Unfortunately I'm a busy man...)

***

Let's stay in Chicago before moving onto the really nasty stuff: PTI also took time to state that Rex Grossman's job could be lost if he stinks it up against Dallas Sunday night, and this couldn't come at a worse time for the Sex Cannon. He's yet to see competency from his starting running back, his prime target (Bernard Berrian) will see double coverage because of the wear on tear (God bless him) on Mushin Muhammad, his newest target (Greg Olsen) is making his debut on national television, and we're not sure how strong a Mike Brown-less defense will do against a very good Cowboys passing attack. Oh yeah, Rex is really bad, too. At least a year ago he was taking shots at the big play and getting picked off half the time. These first two games he's been like a deer in headlights. Yeah, you could pretty much say that about the entire Bears offense, but the lack of leadership from a veteran, playing in this league, has to rain question marks from all directions. That's why, Mr. Wojiechowski, Bears fans spent four hours complaining on that radio show you covered--they couldn't beat the spread against the Chiefs, for God's sake!

If you're a betting man (I think the line's around 3-4 Bears favorite), you take the Cowboys, 'natch. Good offense against a great defense is going to beat a bad offense against an average defense.

***

And then there are the Fighting Irish.

Here's a bad trend for the MSU/ND series: over the past six matchups, the away team has gotten the victory. You can't pick the Irish to win until they get an offensive touchdown. They will get several of these, yes, but if there season truly is starting right now--and if this past week was half as difficult as Charlie Weis was making it out to be in that post-game conference last week--Notre Dame will still show a lot of youth and anxiety against an MSU team doing everything it can to not fuck up its great start to the season for the umpteenth year in a row.

(I know two things about MSU coach Mark Dantonio: he's the former coach of the UC Bearcats (which reminds me, Jason should've written something about this!!!), and he could not have looked less pleased to have done that commercial hawking the Big Ten Network when I saw it on TV last week during the Pitt-MSU game. The Big Ten Network has the commissioner and all the coaches in their back pocket, and now they're antagonizing cable providers that refuse to carry their channel. It's true; there's a radio commercial on Columbus airwaves where BTN essentially calls Time Warner bad names for not giving the people what they want. Well hey, douche bags, the PEOPLE don't want to pay anything extra to see their hometown team, they want to enjoy OSU football the same way they did for years and years, before this awful idea was even conceptualized. I don't think I can hate BTN enough. Okay, rant over.)

***

And on that note, OSU will get to pad its stats offensively against a Northwestern team coming off a loss to Duke. Although Notre Dame might be in that same position in November, so we can't hate on NU for too long.

***

Finally, HOCKEY SEASON HAS ARRIVED!!!! I know, because instead of listening to alternative music on CD101 in the evenings, I've been hearing Canadian dudes yelling incessantly about Columbus Bluejackets preseason games. I actually enjoy it, it helps me focus while driving. I'm obligated to preview Columbus sports, and I will have a few things on the Blue Jackets in the near future. I'm sure you bitches can't wait for very long.

I have no idea who Geovany Soto is, but I want to kiss him

2007-09-20T11:25:00.001-04:00

Just all over man, all over. Find highlights of the game last night if you can; I know we shouldn't get too fired up over red-hot starts for prospects (i.e. Theoriot and Fontenot, although they've still been productive), but this Soto dude has had a fantastic start.

On a side note, graduate school is starting up again, and it gives me less time to write during the weekdays, so my friend Jason Bolte will around to do a guest column at least once a week, and I'll be handling more of a "weekend warrior" position, which is fine by me.

SOTO, BITCHES!

Domers in Denial

2007-09-17T08:38:00.000-04:00

One quickie for this morning:

Often Blue-Gray Sky is a great blog covering Notre Dame football. I like to think of them as similar to NDNation with brains. However, in the midst of a "what if?" series they ran this summer (i.e. "What if Tony Rice didn't go here?" or "What if we beat USC in 2005?") one of the guys ran a column asking what if Urban Meyer had column to Notre Dame instead of Florida. He closed his argument (pretty much against Urban--I don't need to tell you how bitter some Domers are that Meyer chose to forgo his manifest destiny and coach in Gainesville instead) with the following paragraphs:

"Urban Meyer may have been a former coach at ND, but he didn’t get “it.” The simple fact that he relied on Bob Davie for insight during the process shows that he doesn’t know “it” from a hole in the ground. (Editor's note: Meyer was an assistant through I think all of Davie's tenure)

If Urban Meyer had become head coach of Notre Dame, I’d imagine we would have found ourselves in a similar position to where we stand today. Just as we expect Charlie Weis to lead us to a national championship at some point, so too we may have expected it with Urban. But when we looked at the path we had to take to get there, I don’t think we would have enjoyed the ride nearly as much."

Yeah, all aboard the ND fun train. Next loss, Spartanville. :(

And MGoBlog thought their emo-week was self-pitiful...

Weekend roundup 9/17: Brought to you by the Jimmy Clausen Face

2007-09-17T06:00:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if there's an image more capable of capturing the pain this guy's football team caused its fans Saturday. Heck, I don't even know if this image does justice to that slaughter.

There's no need to link an article here, no need to describe how Mike Hart eviscerated (again) the ND defensive line...all that Notre Dame fans need to know is that this most recent loss to Michigan might have been the worst loss in school history. Yeah, I know there some pretty awful bombs in 2003, but this was just ridiculous: snapping the ball over the quarterback's head twice in the first quarter; knowing that Mike Hart was coming--and on the left side, too--yet doing little to keep the defense honest; and of course, we don't need to get into how the offensive line played. You don't need some yahoo in Columbus to reiterate what everyone on ABC, ESPN, Fox, and the Internet had already said within an hour of the game's conclusion.

Instead let me say this: I knew it'd be ugly, but I had no idea. And now instead of expecting a win against Michigan State next Saturday, I'm merely expecting us to score our first offensive touchdown. I can't believe Mark May was right. I hate myself right now.

Other thoughts from the Saturday games:

Again, I wish we could see what Jimmy Clausen was seeing in terms of receiving options downfield. You have to assume those players are covered, because while Clausen is playing with the worst o-line in football, he's holding onto the ball wayyyyy too long. No question Brady Quinn took his lumps his first year under center, but this is not at all what we expected from the new Golden Boy.
I've got too much respect for Mike Hart to call him something I'd normally reserve for Reggie Bush or John L. Smith. He played great, props to him. It must have been comforting for Michigan fans to see his team rally around him like that. He's definitely what Bo Shembechler would have called a "Michigan man." Unfortunately ND fans were too busy vomiting to notice all the emotion.
Charlie Weis stated in the press conference Saturday that Sunday wasn't a film day, but a practice day. What can you say? He's lost. Although I imagine the thighs of our offensive lineman will be sizzling this morning...
While I'm at it, fuck rebuilding seasons, man.
Oh wait, Ohio State's having a "rebuilding year" too, and they just thumped Willingham's Washington squad 31-14. Can't say enough good things about how well the defense played, forcing turnovers and taking over the game early in the second half, completely throwing Washington's stud QB Jake Locker out of whack. The key moment of the OSU victory was OSU blocking a field goal (I think; I'm too tired to look up exactly what happened), and Jim Tressel sending Todd Boeckman out on a long bomb to Brian Robiskie that broke the game wide open. I heard earlier last week that good coaches try to make a big play after getting good field possession after a turnover, and that's what Tressel did there. OSU goes into Big Ten play in a headstrong sprint.
I caught about a quarter of the USC/Nebraska game, and that's all I needed to conclude that yes, USC deserves the #1 spot. They play with the efficiency of an NFL squad. This doesn't make me hate them any less.
Finally, happy news: not only did the Bears defense/Devin Hester get me 20 points on my Fantasy Team (in other news, Kansas City is really bad this year), but the Cubbies take 3 out of 4 against the Cards! Soriano came up big (2 HR in the doubleheader Saturday), and Trachsel, Zambrano, Marquis and co. are all to be congratulated for their pitching. Still, they only have a game lead on the Brewers...don't give up the fight just yet...

The Greatest Sports Weekend Ever Since I Began this Blog

2007-09-14T13:06:00.001-04:00

Soooo many fantastic storylines popping up for this weekend, let's start with the happiest first:

As best I did to jinx him, Steve Trachsel might have thrown his best game of the season last night, and the Cubs played long ball in outhomering the Astros 6-2. Yesterday's headlines regarding the Cubbies were running amok about how huge that double play was in the game before; on PTI, Wilbon went as far to call it the best win the Cubs have had since the Bartman incident. The jury is still out on that one, but I was more excited about last night's victory: decent power accompanying stellar pitching.

There were two unsung heroes last night: Jacques Jones for that great catch against the wall at the top of the eighth, and the Cubs bullpen for shutting down the Astros in those later innings. Carlos Marmol pitched two scoreless innings and Kerry Wood looked excellent in the one inning of he relief he pitched. Cubs fans should be excited for that; if Wood can still help get this team into October, it'd be a wonderful story, bordering on the pre-HGH connected Rick Ankiel vibes. :D

Which reminds me, we play those douchebags this weekend. We can take 'em.

***

From sixty to zero we go, as Notre Dame travels to Michigan to get its ass kicked for the third week in a row. Numerous people have asked me who's going to win tomorrow, and every time I've said (while rolling my eyes and dying a little on the inside) Michigan ought to win handily. That's how little faith I have in our team's offense right now. Jimmy Clausen is quite good, and he'll continue to improve as the season continues, but he literally has nothing to work with, even if it is against a suspect Wolverine defense. Add Mike Hart's thirst for blood to the mix and this probably won't be a very pretty game.

Still, it's amazing how much national intrigue there is to the match-up with both teams sitting at 0-2. Look, both these guys' seasons are done! But maybe they just want to spend more time hating on Lloyd Carr, which would be a shame. The last four-five years may not have gone as scripted for Carr, but he did get a share of the national championship in 1997, losing out to sentimental favorite Tom Osborne (whose former school has a huge game at home to USC this weekend) in the coach's poll. How many schools would love to have the kind of tenure Carr had at Michigan?

An even better question: who would you rather have coaching your team right now: Charlie Weis or Ty Willingham? For Domers that gossip on the Net too much, the answer is Weis because they're biased idiots (a column on that is in the works, trust me). But you can't say Willingham's Washington squad is in a far worse position, hosting OSU in a game that everyone thinks will be a huge upset. (and because everyone's calling for that upset, I'm going to utilize a Bill Simmons betting strategy and go the opposite direction) Washington may have the more talented quarterback in Jake Locker, and might--save for the running back game--have the better offense overall with its variation of the spread formation that destroyed Michigan a week ago (per the Oregon Ducks, who have both one hell of a QB and one fucking insane mascot). No one outside of Columbus, however, has given enough respect to Ohio State's defense, with Lauranitis in the middle and cornerback Malcolm Jenkins long overdue for a monster game (yes, these are the only two Buckeye defenders I can name from memory, and no, I don't care). This defense will do its job in Seattle. Offensively, the running game needs to have a big day (and it was good to see Jeff Saine play so well against Akron) and it should be sufficient to give the Buckeyes a well-earned road win for returning home for the juggernaut that is Northwestern.

There are also some NFL games on, but they aren't nearly as enticing as these matchups. The Bengals will kill the Browns (which will result in the Cleveland fans completely turning on their team), and the Bears ought to handle Kansas City, seeing as the Chiefs are on the verge of self-destruction here--their offense, save for LJ, is almost as bad as Notre Dame's.

Predictions:
Cubs win the series over the Cards
Michigan over ND
OSU over Washington
Bengals over Browns
Bears over Chiefs
CliffX over FFL
CliffX over drunk chicks
Indians good
Reds bad

A little bit of late night Cubs insomnia and some commentary on the Reds

2007-09-13T00:57:00.000-04:00

I caught the final three innings of tonight's Cubs game against the Astros, and whew! what a way to finish. Just when you thought there'd be another spoiled loss on the road--and with Dempster on the mound, of all people--the Cubs pull off a 3-6-1 double play to eliminate a scoring threat and win to pull even again with the Brewers.

(I kind of blocked out the portion where the Brewers were briefly in the NL Central lead, and thank goodness for that)

Even better news is that the Cardinals are getting a dose of karma (check out Rick Ankiel's recent game log and tell me if there isn't something he needs to get off of his chest) and have dropped six straight now, making the Central once again a two-horse race. I'd rather have that than any scent of the Cardinals looking like Cinderella sweethearts. No thank you. Tomorrow's starting Cubs pitcher: the Lysol spray bottle that is Steve Traschel. The Windy City turns its lonely eyes to the Redlegs for some inspiration.

Speaking of those Reds, they deserve at least some commentary on a lost season. Most people living outside Cincinnati look at their pitching and say, "Well geez, outside of Aaron Harang they have absolutely nothing." I say, that's why you don't trade away Austin Kearns for marbles. I honestly wonder if that momentum-killer of a trade still harbors bad effects with what's going on right now.

As most sports fans know, when you look up the term "mid-market" in the dictionary you find a picture of Mr. Red. And God knows teams without the money the Cubs, White Sox, east coast teams, etc. get to play with have to get their success the old-fashioned way: through good scouting of prospects and making your blockbuster trades without disrupting team chemistry, which happens, naturally, all the time.

Without looking it up, which two teams are renowned for their scouting and drafting? That's right, the Twins--who unfortunately may not have the money necessary to keep a great team like that together, seeing as what's happening with Johann Santana--and the Cleveland Indians. Last time I wrote about the Indians, I said they did well to improve their playoff chances. Now, in mid-September, I'm thinking they could be one of the best teams in MLB for the next five years.

It's tough to make winning baseball happen in Cincy in the post-Bruce Coslet era. The heyday was in the 70's and had a renaissance with that amazing '90 squad, but one can't ignore the apathy the city has shown the team ever since Griffey had his injury woes (only to bounce back in his late 30's). Now that the Bengals are winning regularly (and perhaps luckily, considering what happened Monday night), Major League baseball is an afterthought. I'd dare say high school football gets more attention at times than the Reds do.

The good news for Cincy is, you can't have a worser season than this. The tough news is, how the heck to you make baseball relevant in this city again?

Weekend roundup 9/10: The Worst Defense is a Bad Offense

2007-09-10T22:36:00.000-04:00

Congrats, Jimmy Clausen, for pulling off a near-perfect imitation of Chad Pennington (sans getting cheered when getting injured, which was pretty disgusting by Jets fans) for throwing to the flat about 8,000 times against Penn State. Not that I can blame you; for the second straight week, you had no running game and your offensive, while not blowing as many assignments as a week ago, gave up nearly 100 yards in penalties--that's not a joke, y'all. This o-line might be one of the worst in I-A football.

If there were one thing I'd critique ESPN's coverage of the game about, it was not highlighting what PSU's secondary looked like while Clausen dropped back time and time again. We have to assume that Clausen saw nothing to speak of downfield, hence the quick dumpoffs, particularly to the left (which ESPN did a good job emphasizing). I think Penn State knew that the Irish line were sitting ducks, and only had to throw a linebacker or two to pressure the QB and that was it, no chance of getting a drive going. Credit to that defense, which is awesome, for forcing so many three-and-outs, but credit too to Clausen for not making any costly mistakes or forcing the ball in a position where it's liable for a turnover.

Before the season started I didn't see ND winning in the Big House, and I still don't. But Michigan's defense ought to be less difficult than Penn State...well, then again, there's that o-line of ours...man do we suck.

Don't expect a victory until September 22nd, and then, maybe not another one until Nov. 3rd.

-------------------------------------

I also saw most of the OSU game at a bar (and hopefully this is the last time we'll ever have to deal with the Big Ten Network carrying games), and it's becoming more and more clear that the offense has to straighten some things out before the big boys come around (and the way Washington is playing, they may come around as soon as this next weekend). After looking very comfortable against Youngstown State, Todd Boeckman was lackluster against a game Akron defense who picked the ball off a couple of times and got that thrilling safety early on in the game. Fortunately those were the only points the Zips picked up, as they had answer to a vicious OSU defense that completely outclassed them. James Lauranitis really enjoyed this one.

One thing about Ohio State football: there's no question it dominates the Columbus sports scene, but you'd think our local coverage would be a lot more comprehensive than just constant complaining. A week ago everyone here derided Beanie Wells for not doing great against Youngstown State; a week later, and hey! Our entire offense, all of a sudden, seems pretty young. And while they may be young they're still great athletes (as shown by true freshman Brandon Saine, who played extremely well in the second half) and they have to to their defense a favor in dominating time possession and organizing 2-3 successful drives against the Huskies. I have no idea how the spread formation works, but if Washington is half as fast as Oregon looked against Michigan, they'll pose a challenge for the Buckeyes D. More on that later this week.

----------------------------------------------------

The Columbus Crew are bad.

----------------------------------------------------

So are the Cubs; yes, they won today, but dropping two out of three against the Pirates? Sheesh. Show me something with this Cardinals series before I start sucking your popsicles, fellas, and then, show me some more, especially our pitching rotation! Very nervewracking, this Cubs squad.

My final post ever...at the office

2007-09-07T15:00:00.000-04:00

This picture, while not an authentic replica, offers a decent idea of the space in which I've been mostly blogging on since this blog started up in July. It is a plain space, lurid and shiftless, and more boring than a Mass on Palm Sunday (plus it doesnn't come with a creepy smiling single mom). Its only saving grace: this computer and its corporate-funded high speed Internet connection, which I've exploited for over a month now. And this blog, my friends, has been the result of that exploitation.

Without giving away too much info, here's the scenario I've been in: in between grad school years I worked as a temp out of a downtown Columbus office, and they hooked me up with a pretty sweet-looking part time gig as both an assistant of development and on-call receptionist. No sweat, I've done this shit for a while, right? Well, I guess it only goes to show that the more time I spend in these office environments, the more bullshit I find.

Right now this fat bitch in the cubicle opposite of mine is complaining about...oh, something, I don't know. It doesn't really matter. It seems that every office has to have at least one (but often two to four) fat bitches spending about 20% of their work day doing nothing but complaining to their coworkers about how shitty their life is. I remember this one idiot fat bitch at an old real estate office I worked at who would take her time to come to me directly and complain about the most trivial shit, like how she'd been up at 4:30 in the morning exercising (yeah right) and wouldn't be finished with work until 9 pm that evening. Like I give a fuck. Fortunately no one's complained to me directly about anything, it's just working in this open environment that makes me receptive to all the "woe-is-me" personalities around my desk. It makes me want to cut myself while listening to the Downward Spiral over and over again.

But right, why is it that no one ever complains to me about their problems? Probably because they barely acknowledge my existence. As an assistant to the director of development, my primary supervisor is, well, the director of development. The only problem is, I think she's a cokehead or something, because she often doesn't come into work unil 10 o'clock, whereas I got in at 8. (she's also the daughter of the big boss, if that helps explain things) The boss overseeing her (the Director of Ops) would be the next person to talk to, and he's a good guy with a good heart, but all the multi-tasking his job entails leaves me left behind in the woodwork.

Not that I'm complaining.

I've done work like this enough to know when you have to view the glass as half-full instead of half-empty. Instead of doing actual work for most of the day, I've been getting paid $10.20 an hour to register for fall classes, catch up on my Dostoevsky, manage my fantasy football team, bid on useless things on eBay, and most importantly, keep this thing up to date. How the hell can I complain about the situation I've been living in? The trick, I learned, is to keep your mouth shut and look like you're being productive. After the first few days, when I had little to do (and trust me, this job gave me very little to do, thanks to the incompetence of my immediate supervisor) I would ask people if they needed help with anything. Often times the answer would be no, and I realized that if I just stayed out of people's hair they'd take less notice of me. I'd become inferior to them, like an insect on the wall and oblivious to all higher-ups. I know most people don't like inferority, but in this case, it was a great fucking position to be in! That's fucking freedom! Don't we all live for that? I mean, the very fact that I'm taking about forty minutes out of my work day to describe kind of massive bullshit the office is shows how much freedom I have, and that's all kinds of awesome. It'd be nice if I could get paid better for it, but it is a temp job.

Some other observations from office work:

There's at least two guys in here (and they're both jackoffs) who were pink shirts on a regular basis. I thought that cliche died in 2005. The pink shirt is an abomination to men everywhere, and if you're a breast cancer survivor who was offended by this sentence, I don't care. REAL MEN HATE PINK. They wear black. Yeah. Black shirt FTW.

The workspace makes you that less funnier and less creative. You end up laughing at the corniest jokes. You say the most predictable things. You drive yourself into a pattern of "normal, normal, normal" or "blend, blend, blend" and that's who you become. This is why people say college is the best time of their lives, because they allow this shit to happen to them. This is also what Tyler Durden was talking about, in a way. If you decide to go into office work for the long run, don't let the group mentality overcome you. Rebel in some way, whether it's growing your hair long, wearing jeans on Friday afternoon, or writing a blog about how your life sucks. You'll find some way.

(For the record, my life doesn't suck, because I spent the past two months essentially getting paid to write about sports. Remember that.)

I really don't have much more to say. I guess I can be so laissez-faire about office work because I really did detest it. I detested dressing in slacks and a tie every day and looking and acting like everyone else. I despised the standards that corporate offices employ on their employees for how they should act and interact, enforcing what it means to act and behave like a professional. Fuck that motherfucking shit. I am a professional! It just so happens that my profession isn't in life insurance policies, but rather in making fun of you slackasses. (and music too) So you go on ahead in your gray suits and double grande lattes, filing away massive amounts of meaningless paperwork while bitching about how you have to have your nails done before dinner, because when it all boils down, the vast majority of you have already made the decision to do nothing meaningful with your lives except make money, and you can't take it with you. In other words, you're already dead, bitches.

God damn I'm awesome. And He agrees, too.

ND/PSU preview (plus a footnote on OSU destroying Akron)

2007-09-07T12:28:00.000-04:00

This preview brought to you by a creepy photo of Rudy wearing a White Sox hat. Die. Oh yeah, and fuck ESPN.com for making his chat yesterday viewable only to premium members. Why even bother advertising it?

So I doubt any ND fan is looking forward to the anticipated slaughter in Happy Valley. Penn State looks set to at least contend for the Big Ten title, with veteran quarterback in Ivan Morelli (who still has some critics to respond to) and what looks like another great defensive unit with a strong linebacking core--a year after Paul Posluzny finished. Joe Paterno's pedigree was built on punishing, ground-based football (which really is how the Big Ten gained a reputation in the old school days), and after seeing Tavaris Choice chew up the Irish front line last week, tailback Sean Austin--no, I've never heard of him either--must be relishing the chance for a big rushing day.

Notre Dame faced a good Georgia Tech defense last week and made them look like the '85 Bears--that doesn't bode well for tomorrow. Penn State's D was credited for steamrolling FIU a week ago by putting tremendous pressure up front and destroying the opponent's ability to develop a play. Granted, it was against a team that hasn't won a game for almost two years, but Irish fans know how poorly their offensive line was a week ago.

Call me crazy, but I don't think they'll be that bad again. After six days of reflection, I've come to view the Georgia Tech opener as a game in which the Irish were punched in the mouth, and hard at that. All the mystery and questions in the preseason turned into bedlam and disorientation by the time Demetrius Jones had reached his second fumble of the day. Really, the offense was a clusterfuck, and whatever possible improvement our defense could have had wouldn't have made a difference.

No way I'm brazen enough to predict an Irish victory, but I will predict this: a more consistent offense under Jimmy Clausen, whom I'm sure has been the focal point of this past week of practice, with a stronger passing attack and less focus on the run (which, to many ND fans' dismay, might be a huge bust this year). If you could take away anything from Clausen's cameo last Saturday, it'd be that he looked comfortable both in the huddle and during the play, not doing anything outstanding, but not looking lost or overwhelmed either. Of course we all expect that, but this is still a freshman starting QB, and you can't do much better in that role than Colt McCoy did with Texas a year ago.

So then, I'll trail to the nearest bar with a lot of pride for my team on my chest and in my heart, and just hope for the best--and that Happy Valley doesn't eat us alive.

OSU vs. Akron--There's no need to preview this. The Big Ten Network still sucks.

Bench Ankiel

2007-09-07T09:47:00.000-04:00

I could write about the Cubs blowing a three-run lead in the ninth last night and falling to 3 games above .500 and into a tie for first with the Brewers, but I'd rather write "Bench Ankiel" over and over again. And that's what I'll probably do.

More to come.

One more thing for today...

2007-09-06T12:07:00.000-04:00

This has to be one of the dumbest ad banners I've seen:

Mike Golic is no longer able to qualify for Monogram Club tickets, and Greenberg...I hate you.

My First (And Probably Last) Live WWE Show

2007-09-06T10:13:00.001-04:00

Like anyone who had spent any portion of the last ten years watching professional wrestling, I was floored when I heard of the double homicide-suicide involving Chris Benoit’s family. How? I wondered. How could something so horrible happen? Eventually my thoughts of “how?” turned to “why?” as to out of all the lurid and shady characters working as and for wrestlers, why did it have to be such a seemingly admirable person as Benoit? Recent developments suggest that head trauma damaging Benoit's brain led to a case of dimensia, which may in part explain, well, the inexplicable. Regardless, Congress is gearing up to force WWE employees to testify in Washington while conducting its own independent investigation into the matter—hopefully it goes smoother than whatever the hell George Mitchell is cooking up, or else our government really is that inept.

There are two periods of my life when I closely followed and greatly enjoyed pro wrestling: ages 7-10 during the peaks of Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior’s careers, and 1999 towards the end of 2002, my late adolescent/college years. The early period is easy to explain: wrestling was bright and colorful, and kids enjoyed it tremendously. Eventually, these young boys grew into angst-filled young adults who got a kick out of the fuck-you attitude that Vince McMahon (and to a lesser extent, the NWO in WCW) had conjured with such stars as Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock. The moment that got me hooked onto my latter wrestling infatuation was Stone Cold driving a beer truck out to the ring and dousing the Rock, Vince McMahon and his cronies in Bud Light. I don’t care how silly it sounds; at age 16, it was cool. And so I watched WWF Raw and Smackdown! as often as I could, occasionally catching a pay-per-view at a friend’s house, getting one or two t-shirts featuring D-Generation X, and renting the best wrestling games Nintendo 64 had to offer.

What was the moment that ended my love affair with wrestling? Well, other than wounding the product with the purchase of WCW and then completely destroying that company’s legitimacy and credibility, I was completely turned off by Triple H climbing into a casket and “banging” a manikin dressed up in a cheerleader’s outfit. It was the idiotic storyline to trump all the idiotic storylines at the time, and even worse, these storylines were taking over the actual wrestling, which even during the late ‘90s was still the chief way of identifying with WWE.

I wasn’t alone in reacting to what Vince and co. did towards the end of 2002; the WWE’s ratings, house gates and merchandising fell off tremendously, and they haven’t recovered since. They were on the upswing in 2005 and 2006, but the Benoit situation this summer may yet become a fatal blow, depending on how Congress acts throughout the rest of this year. (Put it this way: if Congress tells Vince directly that his performers can’t use steroids, there goes the company.)

But as of September 2007, WWE is still touring rigorously, and this past Sunday they came to Nationwide Arena for a taping of their Monday Night Raw show. Growing up in Cincinnati, my parents probably would have preferred that I go to a strip bar than a wrestling show, but now as an independent adult with reasonable income expenditures, I was too curious to pass up on a $20 ticket in the cheap seats and finally get to see what the WWE was like in person.

The crowd outside waiting for the doors to open was what you’d expect: mostly white and blue-collar as hell. (and yes, that's a grown man with a title belt; there were lots of those in attendence)

I sent this one to straightcashhomey.net after snapping it. Any time you see a grown man in the #45, you need to showcase it to greater mankind for their benefit.

A supplementary reason for attending RAW was to also get a look at what Nationwide Arena is like. The verdict? It’s a beauty. The interior concourse is very polished and modern, and there are a few interactive game ports for hockey and what not, and the food, while obviously overpriced, looked excellent and there was a good variety to choose from. The seats in the arena are also padded and very comfortable. It's a great venue, and I should come here for a Blue Jackets game sometime this winter.

I won’t lie: I was extremely surprised to see a Muslim family at a RAW taping. Those of you who follow wrestling know the WWE loves its xenophobia storylines, from the Iron Sheik to Le Resistance to the borderline racist character Mohammad Hassan a few years ago. They were into it too! Like most of the females at the show, these girls went nuts for John Cena.

Most people have told me how surprised they are to see that the ring looks much smaller in person than it does on television. I had the same reaction. WWE does lots of weird and controversial things, but their production quality is consistently first-rate.

A sign the company may on the downward spiral again: my $20 ticket was meant for the upper concourse nosebleeds, but upon purchasing it I found myself in the lower bowl in Row T, not very far from the ring at all. Seven or eight years ago a seat like that would have cost me $40-$50 dollars. As it was, the upper concourse was blacked out, save for some fans on the “TV side” of the ring.

Here’s the TV side:

And here’s the blackout side:

The WWE still boasts about selling out its TV shows, but that’s not been the case for a while now. Nationwide holds around 16,000 at capacity, I’d say the crowd was a healthy 11,000-12,000 people, many (like myself) buying tickets an hour before the show began.

I didn't take too many shots of the wrestling and interviews, seeing as you're not going to get anything memorable 75 yards away from everything. (Not even John Cena in a bigass T-shirt.) The wrestling itself was only so-so. The show began with opening matches that would be taped on Sunday Night Heat, including the likes of Val Venis, Super Crazy, and JIM HACKSAW DUGGAN. I’m not kidding, Hacksaw Duggan, who people thought was old when I was ten, was in the house. He is a BIG guy. All in all, the best wrestling occurred on the Sunday Night Heat taping, mostly because RAW these days (as it has been since about the time I stopped watching it regularly) has all these bullshit backstage segments that bore the hell out of you and take away from some good wrestling.

Case in point: the Triple H match towards the end of the evening. Here’s what Triple H’s evening consisted of: about two minutes of introduction while he did his poses and the crowd went nuts for him; a taped segment later on making fun of Vince’s family, and just about a minute of actual wrestling in his handicap match against Umaga and Carlito (the match was quickly a BS DQ when Carlito and Umaga attacked at the same time, whatever), followed by three minutes of beating the shit out of Umaga with a chair and his phallic-shaped sledgehammer. Yeah, Triple H is a huge star and the king of this industry, but Rock and Stone Cold didn’t have their matches only last a minute before posing endlessly, they performed the heck out of shows. Of course, considering Triple H bangs the boss’s wife, I’m guessing he has a little bit of sway in some of the programming.

Speaking of that boss? Hey, you gotta take a picture of Vince McMahon when you get the chance. Like Nixon visiting China, McMahon’s the only one whose personality and philosophy is twisted enough that he can transform what was once just a good ol’ wrasslin’ program into a marketable business conglomerate. Unfortunately, the conglomerate is still in muddy waters with not only the Benoit situation but also with shoddy storylines and programming. A McMahon family confrontation was the final TV segment of the show (they also had Cena wrestle Mr. Kennedy afterwards to entertain the fans, which was a good gesture to give them their money’s worth). Apparently, Vince has a bastard child that’s about Shane’s and Stephanie’s age, and Linda wants to sue him for, well, whatever, I don’t care, they’ve run a hundred angles similar to this one. Anyways, it turns out that the bastard son is a WWE superstar! How did they announce this? They had a lawyer come out just before the show ended—and I’m fairly certain this is a character NO ONE HAD EVER SEEN ON TV BEFORE—and tell Vince this information. Well, he completely killed the show in several ways:

-He was wearing this yellowish cream suit that looked absolutely hideous,
-Obviously a little nervous, he called Vince “Mr. McCann,” which I found hilarious because it reminded me of Tim McCann, an upperclassmen at ND who lived in my dorm and enjoyed tormenting the hell out of me, and
-He pulled out a piece of paper with vital information on it, and then dropped it and was booed incessantly by the fans.

And that was the final segment of the TV taping. I’m not going to bother to watch it on television, but I can’t imagine that final segment coming off very well, unless they do a hell of a job editing out the “McCann” and paper drop parts. So yeah, what a way to end a show. And unfortunately that’s the kind of crap the WWE has used in its programming, and they’ve lost that casual audience that enjoyed both the personalities and the wrestling content.

Why do I keep harping on how great wrestling content still needs to be? Because the most enjoyable moment of the evening was a tag match between The World’s Greatest Tag Team against Brian Kendrick and Paul London. I’d never heard of Kendrick of London, but they both looked to be about 6’ and 175 pounds and proceeded to put on a great match. They were like the Hardy Boys with a higher degree of technical merit. (BTW, Jeff Hardy was in the opening match against Umaga, and he looked bad. It was an unbearably slow match that only picked up, like always, just before the pinfall. Jeff’s best days left him in 2001.)

The crowd responded extremely well to Kendrick and London, and that’s the kind of thing wrestling ought to implement more into its programming, instead of constantly creating silly storylines about Vince’s bastard kid or John Cena’s dad getting his ass kicked by Randy Orton (I’m not going to bother recapping that, it’s stupid). Of course, I’m sure the WWE has more important matters on their minds, like how to get back the audiences that left after what Benoit did.

Those audiences may never come back.

More Proof That the Big Ten Network Must Die

2007-09-06T09:38:00.001-04:00

(blogger's note: this was supposed to be up this past Monday, but my Internet connection has been limited. Hopefully that'll change over the next couple of weeks.)

Here’s what I wrote about the Big Ten Network about a month ago:

"I know it's unlikely, but say Akron or YSU end up fielding a really competitive game against the Buckeyes, similar to how Ball State played Michigan last season. Wouldn't you be glued to the TV set under normal circumstances, monitoring the action like a hostage negotiator? But now there's a chance you'd at the very least have to go extra measures to watch your team(s) play, regardless of how big the game is. "

Well, last Saturday, albeit not in Columbus, we didn't see just a "really competitive game," we saw the greatest college football upset in history: Appalachian State (HOT HOT HOT!) 34, Michigan 32. Awesome, baby.

So, after you saw the end of the game were you flipping out and calling all your friends as fast as you…oh wait, you couldn’t get the game, could you? Thanks a lot, Big Ten Network. Thank you for screwing over the common fan from watching the impossible happen. Thank you for failing to negotiate with local cable providers in time so that fans all across the Midwest would either have to make a trek to a bar or friend’s place (and what does that say about elder fans who may have trouble getting around?) in order to catch their favorite team.

Speaking from firsthand perspective, the Big Ten Network royally, royally pissed off people here in Columbus. Whether it was at my temp job, at OSU, or even mentioned by the pastor during his sermon at my church (seriously!), no one was happy about the predicament, and everyone agreed that the BTN was a product not of access, but of greed.

The worst thing about the BTN is it doesn’t seem that the Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney cares for fans not getting the game if their cable providers don't agree to terms with BTN. Check out this article where he points the finger at the providers--rather than the BTN for being a really stupid idea--for not having "mature" discussions about making the sports channel part of their package. (Much of his whining is directed at Comcast, who are having all sorts of fun up in Michigan with this crock of shit.)

I caught the OSU game and the finish to the App State/Michigan game at a public party on Lane Avenue. Thankfully the campus area carries the BTN and I didn’t miss a beat of pretty shabby commentary (although I flipped out at seeing former Chicago Bears quarterback Mike Tomczack in the booth) and endless, endless shots of fans in the stands. ABC college gameday, this was not. When the OSU game finished, not one Buckeye fan got up; everyone stayed glued to the giant projectors for the enthralling conclusion to the Michigan contest—and enthralling it was, I haven’t screamed that much at a TV since Martin Scorsese finally won an Oscar last spring. When it was over, the Buckeye fans screamed, and complete strangers began high fiving each other before calling all their buddies to say, “Did you just see that!”…

…well, there’s the problem, they didn’t see that. Around campus, where students and staff can access the Big Ten Network free of charge, the news spread like wildfire, but in Hilliard, Dublin, Bexley, Westerville, Reynoldsburg, and everywhere else in/around the I-270 belt loop, people were missing out if they didn’t weren’t connected. And it sure as hell isn’t their fault.

Time Warner Cable: do not give in to this bullshit. It’s a right, not a privilege, to watch your team on a regular, weekly basis, and the BTN doesn’t deserve a cent more of all the money it has already needlessly drained from consumers and cable providers. May the Big Ten Network die a faster death than Karen Holbrook’s legacy.

Weekend roundup post-Labor Day, 9/4

2007-09-04T12:28:00.000-04:00

UPSET OF UPSETS!!!! Appalachian State 34, That School Up North 32. I was at a public party on Lane Saturday watching the OSU game on the Big Ten Network (more on this crock of ass later today), when we started seeing score updates with the Mountaineers two touchdowns ahead of Michigan. Eventually that score was whittled down and even turned in favor of the Wolverines, but after the Buckeyes game finished we were able to see the final few drives. Armani Edwards has balls of steel, I'll tell you what. I thought his team was done for after that bad pick, but after App State blocked the first field goal, Edwards threw together and amazing two-minute drive to give his team that crucial field goal. To see the second field goal blocked? I mean, incredible. This game has to remind everyone of that killer Colorado-Michigan match from over ten years ago. What a great event.

Not so great...

I got home from the tailgate just in time to catch Notre Dame get destroyed repeatedly, suffering their worst opening day loss in school history. FUCKASS. That's what it was folks, a legitimate fuckass of a football game. By now you are aware of how horribly the offense played; well, scratch that, the entire team was a mess. GT quarterback Taylor Bennett only played semi-decently, yet the Yellow Jackets were able to destroy our linebackers with their running game through Tavaris Choice (unlike the Irish, GT also blocked extremely well). After a home loss like this, the next two games on the road--oh, for crying out loud, probably the rest of the season--look unbelievably forboding. If there's a silver lining it's that Michigan's team spirit has been seriously wounded, but going through Happy Valley the week before won't help matters.

Which leads me to a couple of comments color commentator Pat Haden (I'm pretty it's still Haden doing the coverage) said that irked me: midway through the third quarter he commented on how much more aggressive the ND defense looked, and just after he said those words, Choice bounced off several linebackers and safeties en route to a 40+ yard gain. I know stuff like that happens, but geez man, by the second half all compliments about the Irish should have been held to a minimum. The other comment that REALLY bugged me was saying both the offense and defense should look much more composed for their game against Penn State...are you freakin' kidding me??? IT'S BEAVER STADIUM! THEY'RE GONNA MURDER US! Think California fans from last Saturday night plus lots more beer and AA batteries and you'll get an idea of what Beaver Stadium will be like Saturday night.

We're in trouble.

Not nearly as in trouble are the Buckeyes, who yawned through a 38-6 victory over Jim Tressel's old school Youngstown State. Starting QB Todd Boeckman looked very relaxed as he threw for multiple touchdowns and no picks. Backup Robby Schoenhoft only saw a few series, but he had too much zing on the ball and had trouble finding the numbers of his receivers. Neither QB got a really serious test, and we might not see a true test of this team's offensive quality until Michigan State or Purdue (or maybe even Washington, if they are as poslished as they looked Saturday at Syracuse). If anything, the Buckeyes know they can't yawn through...oh geez. Okay, here's a joke going around campus: take the first letter of the first four opponents on the Buckeye's schedule, and find out the word that spells. But in all seriousness, that's not what they can do! I'm positive Tressell made an example of Michigan to his teammates, as did many Big Ten teams over the past couple of days.

I've already written too much...okay, a few more notes about the Cubs. I'm happy with the past Houston series, but like a lot of Cubs fans I'm frustrated with Big Z, and that's all I'm going to write about him. BTW, I know it's a hot thing to look for that spark in trades at the end of the season, but Steve Trachsel isn't the answer for getting to October. Remember, this is the guy who said Sammy Sosa was an impediment to the team while he was leading the National League in losses. I'm guessing they probably didn't get along.

ND vs. GT preview

2007-08-31T11:02:00.000-04:00

Let's play some oddsmakers:

Even money Demetrius Jones starts at quarterback.

10-1 IT WAS A RUSE ALL ALONG! HERE COMES JIMMY SHARPLEY TO START THE 2007 SEAZON OF DREAMZ! CHARLIE WEIS OWNZ TH3 INT3R3TZ!!!!!!111oneoneoneoneone

Haha, Facebook ftw and all that shit

20-1 More than 50 points are scored in the game. I can't imagine the Irish having the offensive weapondary they had a season ago, but I can't imagine their passing defense completely falling apart against stronger opponents like they did a season ago. GT's starting quarterback Taylor Bennett will most likely be an upgrade from Reggie Ball, but he lacks the imposing receiving threat that Calvin Johnson was last year. (I remember EDSBS.com going nuts over this when Ball was academically ineligible for the bowl game and Taylor threw something like 3 TD's to Johnson. What could have been.)

4-1 A big fight breaks out between ND and GT fans during tailgating/the game. 'Natch. I remember Georgia Tech fans being extremely fired up for last year's contest in what was a very good and watchable game, and they have the advantage going into tomorrow. Somehow, I'm deducing that this will lead to fighting. Maybe I've been to too many MSU/ND games.

10-1 A regular starting QB position is established.

6-1 A regular RB is established. Darius Walker screwed up soooooooo badly in leaving a season early. Good LORD did he screw up. I'm not one to tell him what to do with his life, but last season people said he was too small and not quick enough to be a productive running back, yet he gained something around 1,500-1,700 total yards of offense (I'm too lazy to look up the exact stats, have fun doing that yourself). So say instead of jumping ship early, he busts his butt in the offseason, shows up to South Bend with an additional 10-20 pounds of muscle and bruises defenders in this upcoming season? It wouldn't exactly be Darren McFadden, but suddenly his NFL resume would look a lot stronger.

3-1 People at the bar where I'm watching the game will make way too many fat jokes about Weis, while I think to myself, "pot/kettle/black, you dumbasses."

Even money Thanks to NBC's contract, the game takes at least four hours to complete.

(Although I guess I should be thankful that I'm guaranteed of seeing the Irish play on TV, as opposed to other football teams this weekend...more on that later...)

3-1 odds for an Irish victory. Mark May is a mean-spirited fucktard, but he's right in saying how difficult Notre Dame's year will be. While USC, Michigan, Boston College et. al are returning players and showing their hands, the real capabilties this season's Irish have been veiled from casual college football fans. That changes, of course, tomorrow, and hopefully some pleasant surprises occur south of Touchdown Jesus.

What I'm Doing at Work Today

2007-08-30T10:06:00.000-04:00

The image came out fuzzier than I'd prefer, but hopefully you can read the CAPTAIN PLANEEEET!!! up top there. That's right, I'm posting fake resumes onto Careerbuilder.com. My job kicks ass.

What doesn't kick ass is Carlos Zambrano getting paid $91.5 million--a slightly larger contract than what Ichiro has (and mark my words, Ichiro is worth every penny of his)--to do a job you or I could probably do just as well at the moment. 6-1 Brewers over Cubs, Sheets over Big Z. Time to hustle, chum.

Thankfully college football starts tomorrow, and I'll have all sorts of updates on the ND/OSU openers and what's going on with the Big Ten Network. An early note however, to Time Warner in Columbus: DO NOT GIVE IN. BTN IS EVIL. That is all.

Two games up! We're two games up and, wait, what? oh, fuck

2007-08-29T11:39:00.000-04:00

Fuck.

If I'd known about this I'd have done it in a heartbeat

2007-08-28T11:01:00.001-04:00

Cubs.com's main feature is about 10 finalists auditioning to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at Wrigley Field. Singing "TMOTTB" at Wrigley is one my lifetime to-do list, along with hiking the Grand Canyon and making love to a different girl from each continent. Maybe next year (for "take me out to the ballgame", the other two can happen whenever).

Anyways, Soriano is set to return tonight, and not a moment too soon. This Cubs team is the most inconsistent division leader in history. They make the Indians look like the 90's Braves.

Really, other than Cubs facing the Brewers over the next three days, I'm just waiting until the weekend for something awesome to happen in sports. I'm working on getting a ticket to the OSU/YSU game, but otherwise, I have some good stuff lined up. Sunday the Columbus Crew are giving complimentary tickets through Ticketmaster, and Sunday evening the WWE is in town and has $20 cheap seats available. My goal is to attend and recap all of this on next Monday/Tuesday, but I'll have previews for the ND/OSU games up by Friday as well.

Transcript of the chat from my fantasy draft

2007-08-26T22:53:00.000-04:00

If you don't want to read it, then don't. But I'm posting it regardless, as it was pretty f'ing funny.

For reference, I'm the Wabash Cockblockers.

----------------------------------------------------

Welcome to the 2007 Ohio is for Hangovers draft.

Beef on Weck: Beef on Weck has entered the draft

Beef on Weck: penis

Beef on Weck: dfsfgg

Team Nigam: Team Nigam has entered the draft

Team Nigam: vagina

Wabash Cockblockers: holy shit

Wabash Cockblockers: two guys who don't know each other already communicating in perfect college-speak

Team Nigam: haha

Wabash Cockblockers: Glad to see at least two guys already in the draft

Wabash Cockblockers: Hopefully Jeff Hunt no-shows and I get LDT

Grizzly Bear Incest: Grizzly Bear Incest has entered the draft

Beef on Weck: aren't you like 11th?

Wabash Cockblockers: It was a joke

Grizzly Bear Incest: hewwo

Wabash Cockblockers: Hi Jeff!!!

Wabash Cockblockers: We were just talking about you!

Grizzly Bear Incest: jeff?

Grizzly Bear Incest: which one is jeff

Grizzly Bear Incest: ?

Beef on Weck: hopefully my bro shows up

Beef on Weck: he might have forgot

Grizzly Bear Incest: like a sucker

Wabash Cockblockers: Pacman Jones

Wabash Cockblockers: If Lou forgets that'll rock

Grizzly Bear Incest: give him a call

Wabash Cockblockers: wait, sorry Jason

Wabash Cockblockers: I forgot Jeff is Pac Man and you're the incest, my bad

Grizzly Bear Incest: ;) its ok lolz

Grizzly Bear Incest: :P

Wabash Cockblockers: p.s. Team Nigam is my good pal Sidd from glee club at osu

Grizzly Bear Incest: i feel really dirty using those emoticons

Wabash Cockblockers: I'll write a profile about who everyone is later this week

Grizzly Bear Incest: can you write it in sonnet form?

Wabash Cockblockers: I was thinking prose, bitch

Grizzly Bear Incest: why is stephen jackson #2 overall?

Backfield In Lotion: "He's a general practioner from Beverly Hills...please welcome "Enormous Genitals!"

Grizzly Bear Incest: lamont jordan syndrome?

Wabash Cockblockers: hahaha

Wabash Cockblockers: No dude

Wabash Cockblockers: Stephen Jackson is no Lamont Jordan

Grizzly Bear Incest: but why is he ranked above peyton and brady?

Wabash Cockblockers: (which, by the way, shows that FFL experts know just as little about FFL as we do)

Wabash Cockblockers: Becuase there's a great chance he'll average at least 15 a game

Wabash Cockblockers: BTW, hello MMP

Wabash Cockblockers: st. louis has a great offense and a shaky defense

Grizzly Bear Incest: this is jp losman's year, i can feel it

Wabash Cockblockers: F that

Wabash Cockblockers: This is TRENT GREEN'S year

Grizzly Bear Incest: he's got at least sixteen years left in the league

Wabash Cockblockers: that's the over/under, yeah

Beef on Weck: so i have no idea wtf i'm doing, just for the record

Backfield In Lotion: hello all

Grizzly Bear Incest: first round pick a kicker

Grizzly Bear Incest: neal rackers

Wabash Cockblockers: hi mmp

Wabash Cockblockers: how are you

Wabash Cockblockers: you need to write more on kissmesuzy!

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: howdy

Wabash Cockblockers: all it is right now is big daddy drew saying fuck a lot

Backfield In Lotion: I know I know

Wabash Cockblockers: And the Jiffnut is in da hizzy

Wabash Cockblockers: and granted, bdd does a great job writing "fuck," but it grows on you

Backfield In Lotion: I try to be "busy" when I have no good ideas so I don't write shit

Wabash Cockblockers: i hear ya

Grizzly Bear Incest: it's the masturbation excuse

Wabash Cockblockers: I'm just waiting for Notre Dame to lose to some quality Big Ten teams so I can find stuff to compalin about

Backfield In Lotion: it really is

Wabash Cockblockers: Hey Sidd, I'm in the library and my phone's on roaming, send me an email if you have a question

Wabash Cockblockers: (he just tried to call)

Backfield In Lotion: so did I wind up in the Ohio State glee club ff league?

Wabash Cockblockers: Kind of :)

Wabash Cockblockers: There's also Alex Ferrerya, another Deadspin guy

Wabash Cockblockers: Haven't seen him yet

Team Nigam: damnit brandon

Team Nigam: ok

Beef on Weck: lou will be on shortly

Wabash Cockblockers: sorry sidd!

Wabash Cockblockers: good to hear cheech

Backfield In Lotion: I just want to point out that I have zero papers in front of me, and zero spreadsheets

Grizzly Bear Incest: i have a hat filled with names

Wabash Cockblockers: I have a scrapsheet in front of me and several windows open from stuff i saved on gmail

Team Nigam: ok i sent u the email

Beef on Weck: i have no idea what i'm doing, so whatever

Grizzly Bear Incest: neal rackers, first round

Grizzly Bear Incest: then gus frerotte

Backfield In Lotion: this should be fun

Backfield In Lotion: I hope Yancy Thigpen is still around at No 4.

Wabash Cockblockers: As usual, Cheech has no idea what the hell is going on

Wabash Cockblockers: Yet I'm still certain he'll get a 95 like he did in BC Calc

Grizzly Bear Incest: is jim thorpe still playing?

Wabash Cockblockers: Fuck Jim Thorpe

Beef on Weck: i aced that shit

Wabash Cockblockers: Dat bitch owes me money

Grizzly Bear Incest: you owe him his land back!

Wabash Cockblockers: I like how I went from trig/geometry soph year all the way down to intro to calc senior year

Wabash Cockblockers: and it still ddidn't matter

Wabash Cockblockers: f that

Wabash Cockblockers: evil white men are to blame

Grizzly Bear Incest: is it cool if we dont talk about high school?

Wabash Cockblockers: us irish were too busy fighting in the five points

Wabash Cockblockers: good idea actually

Wabash Cockblockers: League Manager corally for the draft: we all agree that high school sucked

Grizzly Bear Incest: corollary, and good

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus has entered the draft

Wabash Cockblockers: Alex the writer!!!

Wabash Cockblockers: THE OUTSIDERS HAS ARRIVED!!!!!

Grizzly Bear Incest: who're the socs?

Wabash Cockblockers: Socs?

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: whasup people

Wabash Cockblockers: sup

Grizzly Bear Incest: forget it

Wabash Cockblockers: haha

Wabash Cockblockers: so we're still waiting on

Wabash Cockblockers: jim van rens

Wabash Cockblockers: matt murray (snicker)

Wabash Cockblockers: dustin powers (probably won't make it)

Wabash Cockblockers: and tobey steinman

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: i hope that this draft doesn't go into entourage and flight of the concord time

Wabash Cockblockers: oh, and lou two

Wabash Cockblockers: Hopefully it goes no longer than an hour

Wabash Cockblockers: and with five guys awol that might be the case

Wabash Cockblockers: jeff are you still planning on coming up for akron?

Grizzly Bear Incest: so we can make off track bets on the picks?

Grizzly Bear Incest: or is that illegal still?

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: i'm hoping to make it up for the akron game, but i don't know yet

Wabash Cockblockers: no, it's just a bad idea

Wabash Cockblockers: sounds good jeff

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: i'm definitely coming up for the wisconsin game

Wabash Cockblockers: sweet

Wabash Cockblockers: i'll see what i can do about tickets...

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: i don't know if i want to pay the premium for the wisconsin game yet

Backfield In Lotion: did I see somewhere that we can actually trade picks

Backfield In Lotion: ???

Wabash Cockblockers: hopefully you won't have to if i can find student tickets that raen't through the roof

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: it might be more fun just to tailgate it...depending on how the season is going

Wabash Cockblockers: yes we could trade picks

Wabash Cockblockers: but i'm afriad it's too late for that now MMP

Grizzly Bear Incest: i'll pay thirteen cents for first pick

Grizzly Bear Incest: and randy moss

Wabash Cockblockers: i hear ya

Grizzly Bear Incest: i hope someone picks brady quinn 22nd, just for the poetry of it

Team Nigam: ok thanks brandon

Wabash Cockblockers: sure thing sidd

Wabash Cockblockers: i hope you get fisted in the ass by a man named sven

Grizzly Bear Incest: tickles

Wabash Cockblockers: it better bitch

Wabash Cockblockers: yay

Backfield In Lotion: european guys have small hands, or so I hear

Wabash Cockblockers: i'm cursing at will at jason bolte

Wabash Cockblockers: everything's smaller in europe

Wabash Cockblockers: except in ireland :)

Grizzly Bear Incest: where it's just poor

Wabash Cockblockers: under five minutes

Wabash Cockblockers: fuck you

Grizzly Bear Incest: line up after sven

Wabash Cockblockers: j/k lol

Wabash Cockblockers: yay

Wabash Cockblockers: btw

Grizzly Bear Incest: what is this position limits formulae i see?

Backfield In Lotion: you can't throw a potato in Ireland without hitting a run-down shanty

Wabash Cockblockers: did you delete my tirade from point pleasant?

Grizzly Bear Incest: i have the audio still

Wabash Cockblockers: could you email it to me?

Grizzly Bear Incest: i'll use it as blackmail one day

Backfield In Lotion: shit, I was really hoping I could draft 4 kickers

Wabash Cockblockers: i...kinda lost the cd....

Grizzly Bear Incest: yeah

Wabash Cockblockers: sweet

Wabash Cockblockers: oh, right :)

Wabash Cockblockers: that'd be a fun league, where four kickers start

Wabash Cockblockers: i'd like to see matthew berry join a league like that so his head could explode

Grizzly Bear Incest: so is it negative division by three for tight ends? or no more than?

Malt Liquor In the Car: Malt Liquor In the Car has entered the draft

Wabash Cockblockers: the lou is in da hizzy

Team Nigam: is everyone here yet?

Wabash Cockblockers: and not a moment too f'ing soon

Malt Liquor In the Car: damn straught

Backfield In Lotion: I'd like to join a league where every skill player in the league would have to start on someone's team

Malt Liquor In the Car: straught indeed

Wabash Cockblockers: we're still missing matt murray, dustin tobey and jim van rens

Team Leonidas: Team Leonidas has entered the draft

Wabash Cockblockers: dustin said he'd probably miss

Wabash Cockblockers: and there's TOBEY!

Wabash Cockblockers: jim is probably drunk

Wabash Cockblockers: so he's out

Team Nigam: haha

Team Nigam: true

Wabash Cockblockers: and matt murray is well, yeah

Beef on Weck: my computer's being fun tonight

Team Leonidas: i didnt think firefox would run this and it finally popped up

Beef on Weck: piece of shit

Team Nigam: freaking matt murray

Wabash Cockblockers: it takes a while on firefox

Grizzly Bear Incest: yay safari?

Wabash Cockblockers: maybye

Wabash Cockblockers: yeah, i need to run profiles on all the guys in this league

Team Leonidas: anyone read matt murrays recent facebook postings? theyre interesting

Backfield In Lotion: the clock does not enjoy being highlighted

Grizzly Bear Incest: who's picking first?

Wabash Cockblockers: matt murray has the greatest myspace site EVER

Wabash Cockblockers: no i haven't

Beef on Weck: jeff is first

Wabash Cockblockers: coming up soon now...

Beef on Weck: cocksucker

Wabash Cockblockers: haha

Wabash Cockblockers: go back to buffalo

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: i get to pick LT...yay

Beef on Weck: heh

Wabash Cockblockers: ;)

Grizzly Bear Incest: ryan leaf! ryan leaf!

Backfield In Lotion: wheeeeeeee!

Wabash Cockblockers: okay jeff hurry up and pick

Wabash Cockblockers: go

Wabash Cockblockers: do it

Wabash Cockblockers: NOW

Wabash Cockblockers: AHHHH!

Wabash Cockblockers: HURR YUP!!!!!!

Wabash Cockblockers: LDT IS ON THE CLOCK!

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: fine

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: i picked

Team Leonidas: btw who is who

Wabash Cockblockers: I'm Sidd

Malt Liquor In the Car: Jerome Bettis

Malt Liquor In the Car: do it

Malt Liquor In the Car: he'll be good this year

Wabash Cockblockers: hmmm

Wabash Cockblockers: clock is frozen

Wabash Cockblockers: did I jinx it?

Backfield In Lotion: OMG this draft is taking 4EVAH!

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: was there a pick made?

Beef on Weck: now you've gone and done it

Wabash Cockblockers: wtf?

Beef on Weck: did we crash the nfl?

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: f'ing go already

Grizzly Bear Incest: sherman, fix the time machine

Malt Liquor In the Car: lame

Backfield In Lotion: is he one of the guys not here?

Wabash Cockblockers: so every mock i do goes by fine, yet this thing effs up

Beef on Weck: more like borophyll

Wabash Cockblockers: jeff, did you click "draft player"

Grizzly Bear Incest: didnt espn have this problem last year?

Wabash Cockblockers: no

With the 2nd pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select Steven Jackson.

Wabash Cockblockers: there we go

Beef on Weck: there we go

Backfield In Lotion: shot clock has expired

Wabash Cockblockers: weird though

Wabash Cockblockers: how it passed over jim like that

Beef on Weck: i never saw jeff's go through

Wabash Cockblockers: holy shit

Malt Liquor In the Car: wtf?

Wabash Cockblockers: LDT is still on the board

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: i have LT in my roster...

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: what do i do?

Malt Liquor In the Car: who got picked first?

Wabash Cockblockers: hmmmmm

Wabash Cockblockers: jeff, we all see ldt as still availalbe

Beef on Weck: my roster shows jeff's team empty

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: seems f'd up to pick up ldt

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: wtf?

Wabash Cockblockers: do you have ldt on your roster?

Beef on Weck: junk

Wabash Cockblockers: and alex, are you making a pick yet?

Backfield In Lotion: my board is updating

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: ldt is in my roster

Wabash Cockblockers: ok

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: i just tried to pick ldt and it crashed it

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: it says that i drafted him

Beef on Weck: sync problems i guess

Team Leonidas: la la la la la la la la

Wabash Cockblockers: pick larry johnson

Wabash Cockblockers: fast

Wabash Cockblockers: if you can

Malt Liquor In the Car: why is he still on the board?

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: it won't let me

With the 3rd pick in the draft, the Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus select Larry Johnson.

With the 4th pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select Frank Gore.

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: ok..

Team Leonidas: pick brady quinn if you want your team to suck!!

Wabash Cockblockers: shut up tobey

Beef on Weck: you dared me cliff

Wabash Cockblockers: he was fucking great last night

With the 5th pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Shaun Alexander.

Team Nigam: soooo are we just not picking LDT??

Wabash Cockblockers: ldt is still on my board

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: he's gone on mine

Wabash Cockblockers: i would say stay away from him

Beef on Weck: he's still there on mine

Wabash Cockblockers: just ignore him, and I'll talk to espn.com about it

Wabash Cockblockers: but he's off of jeff's right?

Team Nigam: ok

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: i have LDT

Beef on Weck: i'll just ignore him

Wabash Cockblockers: weird man

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: i don't know how else to fucking tell you guys that

Wabash Cockblockers: yeah, just ignore ldt guys

Team Leonidas: how can u tell who is here at the draft? i dont see a list of names, other than when you chat

Wabash Cockblockers: the only people missing are jim, dustin and matt murray

Beef on Weck: yeah i found that to be a problem too

Grizzly Bear Incest: go to draft summary

Wabash Cockblockers: everyone else is here

Malt Liquor In the Car: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Wabash Cockblockers: also, if you roll your pointer over the draft order at the top of the screen

Wabash Cockblockers: you'll see the owner and team names of who's picking

Wabash Cockblockers: p.s. dustin powers is awol, i can tell that right now

Beef on Weck: they really need a box on the right that says who's here

Wabash Cockblockers: he'll be on autodraft for the rest

Beef on Weck: so much unused space

Team Leonidas: is sid here?

Wabash Cockblockers: yeah, that's true

Wabash Cockblockers: sidd's here

With the 6th pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Joseph Addai.

Wabash Cockblockers: he's um, team sidd

Wabash Cockblockers: shit

Team Leonidas: no shit

Wabash Cockblockers: here's another autodraft

Wabash Cockblockers: i'll need to write a poll on what matt murray was doing while missing the draft

Wabash Cockblockers: good times

Team Nigam: hahahaha

Team Leonidas: writing song lyrics i bet

Wabash Cockblockers: either that or tipping over a cow

Wabash Cockblockers: and failing

Wabash Cockblockers: badly

Team Leonidas: wtf

Wabash Cockblockers: he's from chilicothe

Wabash Cockblockers: if there were ever a place to tip cows

Team Leonidas: yea and im from kenton and we dont tip cows

Wabash Cockblockers: (except kenton)

Beef on Weck: it's lou's pick now?

Wabash Cockblockers: haha

Wabash Cockblockers: no, this is still murray

Malt Liquor In the Car: running backs are the most lucrative here correct?

Wabash Cockblockers: lou's after this one

Wabash Cockblockers: often yes, lou

Backfield In Lotion: viva viagra

Wabash Cockblockers: fuck viagra

With the 7th pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Willie Parker.

Wabash Cockblockers: CIALIS FTW

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: this is absolutely ridiculous, why would it not just auto draft instead of count down?

Wabash Cockblockers: it's how the first round of the draft works jeff

Grizzly Bear Incest: it wants you to miss entourage

Malt Liquor In the Car: how do i pick?

Wabash Cockblockers: from now on, guys who aren't here will autodraft their players

Backfield In Lotion: the first time through it will take all the time

Grizzly Bear Incest: it's become self aware

Beef on Weck: i right clicked a dude and clicked draft

Wabash Cockblockers: yeah, it also wants you to miss entourage

Backfield In Lotion: 2nd time it should autopick

Team Nigam: entourage is the best show on television

Wabash Cockblockers: hug it out bitches

Malt Liquor In the Car: hey!

Malt Liquor In the Car: how do i pick?

Wabash Cockblockers: i only know that line because the guy yelled it at wrigley field

Team Leonidas: im watching entourage right now

Beef on Weck: tright click a dude

Beef on Weck: and hit draft

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: top right,

With the 8th pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Peyton Manning.

Wabash Cockblockers: click on the player you want, and then click draft player

Wabash Cockblockers: there ya go!

Wabash Cockblockers: okay bolte

Wabash Cockblockers: you fucking btich

Team Leonidas: ari gold is my idol

Wabash Cockblockers: ah yes, that's his name

Wabash Cockblockers: btw, am i the only one here to see the sopranos finale?

With the 9th pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select Drew Brees.

Team Leonidas: vince chase, e, johnny drama, turtle...

Backfield In Lotion: I didn't see it

Wabash Cockblockers: DREW BREES???????

Team Nigam: interesting pick

Wabash Cockblockers: DREW BREEEEEEESSSS?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Wabash Cockblockers: ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

With the 10th pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select Brian Westbrook.

Grizzly Bear Incest: i saved you brady quinn

Wabash Cockblockers: yeah, i can see

Wabash Cockblockers: but you passed up westbrook and rudi for DREW BREES???????????????????????????????????????????????????

Malt Liquor In the Car: FUCK DRFWE BR33s!!!!!!1

Team Nigam: yay two picks in a row!

Backfield In Lotion: awesome

Wabash Cockblockers: tomororw's headline: DREW BREES??????????????????????

Grizzly Bear Incest: rudi? seriously?

Wabash Cockblockers: rudi's great!

Team Leonidas: it wont let me pick.....

Grizzly Bear Incest: if he survives the season

Wabash Cockblockers: he's in great shape and will get at least 10 td's this season

Beef on Weck: i like horseradish

Malt Liquor In the Car: did you pick yet charlie?

Beef on Weck: fuck you

Beef on Weck: yeah i did

Malt Liquor In the Car: who did you get?

Beef on Weck: shaun alexander

Malt Liquor In the Car: ah

Wabash Cockblockers: haha

Team Leonidas: wtf

Wabash Cockblockers: brotherly love

With the 11th pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Rudi Johnson.

Wabash Cockblockers: i can't wait for the lou/charlie games

Malt Liquor In the Car: fuck

Beef on Weck: there's only gonna be 1

Wabash Cockblockers: it's petyon/eli on a much awesomer scale

Team Leonidas: what the hell is going on

Beef on Weck: thanks for putting us in opposite leagues fuckcork

Wabash Cockblockers: oh yeah'

Wabash Cockblockers: sorry

Team Leonidas: i cnt pick

With the 12th pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select Reggie Bush.

Grizzly Bear Incest: blame the comp, self aware

Malt Liquor In the Car: fuck reggie bush

Team Nigam: god i wanna pick LDT so bad lol

Wabash Cockblockers: tobey, did you intentionally draft rudi?

Wabash Cockblockers: haha

Wabash Cockblockers: i hear ya sidd

Team Leonidas: can i close the window and join back?

Team Leonidas: in IE?

With the 13th pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select Laurence Maroney.

Team Leonidas: fuck no

Wabash Cockblockers: go ahead and open it up in ie

With the 14th pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Tom Brady.

Wabash Cockblockers: be fast about it

Team Leonidas: there we go

Team Nigam: who were you going to pick tobey

Pac-Village Makin it Rain: are you guys running the java app or the html version?

Team Leonidas: reggie

Wabash Cockblockers: and nice job picking tom brady ahead of carson palmer

Wabash Cockblockers: GENTLEMEN, BEHOLD!

With the 15th pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select Carson Palmer.

Beef on Weck: the thermostat?

Team Leonidas: sorry i dont want carson

Wabash Cockblockers: natch

Wabash Cockblockers: i did

Wabash Cockblockers: thanks tobey!

Team Nigam: good cuz I REALLY wanted reggie

Team Leonidas: good for you

With the 16th pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select Cedric Benson.

Team Leonidas: im surprised u didnt snatch brady yet

Wabash Cockblockers: me=sex

Team Leonidas: lol

With the 17th pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Maurice Jones-Drew.

With the 18th pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Ronnie Brown.

With the 19th pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Willis McGahee.

Team Leonidas: cuz GOOGLE EARTH ROCKS

Wabash Cockblockers: i'm surprised you haven't made my dinner yet bitch

With the 20th pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Marvin Harrison.

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: woo!

Wabash Cockblockers: It's Google Earth is da bomb you knucklhead

Team Nigam: i sent LDT to the bottom

Team Nigam: so it will stop teasing me

Wabash Cockblockers: good call

Wabash Cockblockers: i just did the same

With the 21st pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select Chad Johnson.

With the 22nd pick in the draft, the Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus select Steve Smith.

With the 23rd pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select Travis Henry.

Beef on Weck: and here's jeff to break the draft again

With the 24th pick in the draft, the Pac-Village Makin it Rain select Thomas Jones.

Wabash Cockblockers: nope

Wabash Cockblockers: that looked a-ok jiffnut

Wabash Cockblockers: all right

Wabash Cockblockers: we're already at round 3

Beef on Weck: 123go

With the 25th pick in the draft, the Pac-Village Makin it Rain select Deuce McAllister.

With the 26th pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select Clinton Portis.

Wabash Cockblockers: man

Wabash Cockblockers: you picked deuce ahead of edge

With the 27th pick in the draft, the Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus select Marc Bulger.

Wabash Cockblockers: MMP twidles his thumbs...

Malt Liquor In the Car: deuce is better than edge

Malt Liquor In the Car: now

With the 28th pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select Brandon Jacobs.

Wabash Cockblockers: but who's more now: deuce or edge?

Wabash Cockblockers: apparently, brandon jacobs is more now than edge

Wabash Cockblockers: wow, you guys do not like edge

Malt Liquor In the Car: hahaha

Malt Liquor In the Car: charlie why doesn't it log your draft picks in the chat?

Beef on Weck: it does for me

Malt Liquor In the Car: nevermind

Malt Liquor In the Car: i thought you picked a few picks ago

With the 29th pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Edgerrin James.

With the 30th pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Torry Holt.

With the 31st pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Marion Barber III.

With the 32nd pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Reggie Wayne.

Team Leonidas: sucks we cant get lt

Wabash Cockblockers: jason bolte

Wabash Cockblockers: such a precious boy

Wabash Cockblockers: DREW BREES!

With the 33rd pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select Ahman Green.

Wabash Cockblockers: hm

Wabash Cockblockers: jason justed texted me

Wabash Cockblockers: his computer crashed

With the 34th pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select Larry Fitzgerald.

Wabash Cockblockers: hopefully he can get back on

With the 35th pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Jamal Lewis.

Wabash Cockblockers: wow, that sucks

With the 36th pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select Donovan McNabb.

Grizzly Bear Incest: Grizzly Bear Incest has entered the draft

Backfield In Lotion: Chief Nigam is up

Wabash Cockblockers: hey jason

Wabash Cockblockers: sorry that happened

Wabash Cockblockers: are you back online and everything?

Grizzly Bear Incest: yep

Wabash Cockblockers: well, you wound up with ahman green

With the 37th pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select Terrell Owens.

Grizzly Bear Incest: fair enough

With the 38th pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Antonio Gates.

With the 39th pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select Adrian Peterson.

Team Nigam: ooo brandon

Wabash Cockblockers: sparta, bitches

With the 40th pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select T.J. Houshmandzadeh.

Team Nigam: taking the rookie

Wabash Cockblockers: that's right, i did it

Team Nigam: lol

With the 41st pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Marshawn Lynch.

With the 42nd pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Jerious Norwood.

With the 43rd pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Chester Taylor.

Wabash Cockblockers: i'm taking him before he loses an arm

Malt Liquor In the Car: ditto

Team Leonidas: anyone see the nfl network commercials for fantasy football?

With the 44th pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Jon Kitna.

Malt Liquor In the Car: haha nice

Wabash Cockblockers: like the one where the guy tries to spell houshmandzadeh

Team Leonidas: theres one with mike nugnet

Wabash Cockblockers: haven't seen that one

Team Leonidas: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFPKQaXAdL4

With the 45th pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select Lee Evans.

Team Leonidas: theres a bunch of em, just look em up

With the 46th pick in the draft, the Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus select Marques Colston.

With the 47th pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select Carnell Williams.

With the 48th pick in the draft, the Pac-Village Makin it Rain select Donald Driver.

Wabash Cockblockers: fake

With the 49th pick in the draft, the Pac-Village Makin it Rain select Tony Gonzalez.

With the 50th pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select Roy Williams.

Wabash Cockblockers: they ran something like that a year ago with rackers

Wabash Cockblockers: and then he proceeded to blow it against the bears

Wabash Cockblockers: so don't pick nugent

Team Leonidas: its on youtube

Wabash Cockblockers: i know

Wabash Cockblockers: i just saw it

With the 52nd pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select Javon Walker.

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: did it just skip me?

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: i tried to pick up anquan

Wabash Cockblockers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nrk9I1jhJ9U&NR=1

Backfield In Lotion: i think you got him

Wabash Cockblockers: that's weird alex

With the 53rd pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Plaxico Burress.

With the 54th pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Matt Hasselbeck.

With the 55th pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Jeremy Shockey.

Wabash Cockblockers: the autopick would've been anquan

Wabash Cockblockers: yet you drafted javon walker

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: do we have an ldt situation here?

Wabash Cockblockers: i hope not

Wabash Cockblockers: is anquan on YOUR roster?

Team Leonidas: yea, if u pick ldt ur screwed

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: nope

Team Leonidas: i picked him and it had to autopick rudi j

Wabash Cockblockers: yeah, but alex picked anquan, not ldt

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: that sucks

Team Nigam: so is anquan taken??

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: yeah

Wabash Cockblockers: doesn't look like it

Malt Liquor In the Car: what the hell?

Team Nigam: he's on my board

Wabash Cockblockers: lou are you picking?

Malt Liquor In the Car: i just tried to pick him

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: well, i took him. don't know if IT took, though

With the 56th pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Randy Moss.

Malt Liquor In the Car: WHAT!!!!

Wabash Cockblockers: okay, wtf

Malt Liquor In the Car: WHAT??????

Team Nigam: so send him to the bottom

Malt Liquor In the Car: FUCK RANDY MOSS

With the 57th pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select Jerricho Cotchery.

Wabash Cockblockers: i'm guessing lou didn't want randy

Team Nigam: i'll trade you something for him

Malt Liquor In the Car: i tried to pick anquan

With the 58th pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select Andre Johnson.

Team Nigam: tell me who you want

With the 59th pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Hines Ward.

Team Nigam: i'll trade you for him

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: i guess i have him on my roster, then

Team Nigam: u down for a trade for randy?

Malt Liquor In the Car: nah i don't like any of your players

Team Nigam: haha

Wabash Cockblockers: after this draft is done,

Malt Liquor In the Car: cept for maybe owens

Team Nigam: i meant i would draft someone you want or something

Wabash Cockblockers: i'm going to check the rosters and sort some of this mess out

Wabash Cockblockers: let it be known though that jeff DEFINITELY picked ldt

Wabash Cockblockers: and alex DEFINITELY wanted anquan

Wabash Cockblockers: so if something went awry, those two guys deserved the players

Team Leonidas: and i def. picked ldt after he didnt get ldt, haha

Wabash Cockblockers: for now, leave anquan and ldt alone and hopefully this shit won't happen anymore

With the 60th pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select Laveranues Coles.

Wabash Cockblockers: sidd are you picking?

Wabash Cockblockers: i'll take that as a yes then

With the 61st pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select Santana Moss.

Team Nigam: that was a tough one

Wabash Cockblockers: yeah

Wabash Cockblockers: i would've gone with darrell

Wabash Cockblockers: but santana's just as good

With the 62nd pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Fred Taylor.

With the 63rd pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select Bears D/ST.

Team Nigam: i just think that santana is still a great WR

With the 64th pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select Warrick Dunn.

Wabash Cockblockers: he had that one montster year

Wabash Cockblockers: and then washington had no quarterback at all last season

With the 65th pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Todd Heap.

With the 66th pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Ladell Betts.

With the 67th pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Darrell Jackson.

With the 68th pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Chris Cooley.

Wabash Cockblockers: so, no one's going to make fun of me for taking the bears defense?

Wabash Cockblockers: GOOD!

Wabash Cockblockers: PWN3D

With the 69th pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select DeAngelo Williams.

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: i was thinking it, but didn't want to rude

With the 70th pick in the draft, the Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus select Julius Jones.

With the 71st pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select Joey Galloway.

Wabash Cockblockers: haha

Team Leonidas: google earth has the better defense

Wabash Cockblockers: you're tkaing the ravens d next time up, i know it

Team Nigam: hahahaha

Wabash Cockblockers: Unfortunately GoogleEarth is not sanctioned by the NFL

Wabash Cockblockers: jerk

With the 72nd pick in the draft, the Pac-Village Makin it Rain select Reggie Brown.

Team Nigam: breaking news: the NFL JUST SANCTIONED GOOGLE EARTH!!!

Wabash Cockblockers: you know

Team Leonidas: plays o-line/qb/rb/wr all in one

Wabash Cockblockers: that would make for a great defense

Wabash Cockblockers: considering how they can see everything

With the 73rd pick in the draft, the Pac-Village Makin it Rain select LaMont Jordan.

With the 74th pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select Alge Crumpler.

Wabash Cockblockers: LaMont!

Team Leonidas: that team would be "the bomb"

Wabash Cockblockers: Monty!

Team Nigam: its patented "satellite" defense is expected to be a real force this year

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: damn!

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: I wanted LaMont.

Wabash Cockblockers: So let's see: you're Jim Van Rens, and you get the second overall pick in FFL, yet you decide to mix Xanax with Jim Beam and thus, you've gone seven rounds without selecting a quarterback

With the 75th pick in the draft, the Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus select DeShaun Foster.

Wabash Cockblockers: Jim Van Rens=not da bomb

With the 76th pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select Jay Cutler.

Wabash Cockblockers: whoa

Wabash Cockblockers: nice later pick

With the 77th pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Kevin Curtis.

Wabash Cockblockers: i was hoping he'd be my backup

With the 78th pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Kevin Jones.

With the 79th pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Kellen Winslow.

Wabash Cockblockers: but it's evident you were gunning on him for this round

With the 80th pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Chris Chambers.

Backfield In Lotion: I overspent a bit, but he was the guy I wanted

Wabash Cockblockers: i can't blame you

Wabash Cockblockers: he looked real good in the first half last night against the browns

With the 81st pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select Donte' Stallworth.

Malt Liquor In the Car: yikes

With the 82nd pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select Vernon Davis.

Malt Liquor In the Car: slim pickins left in RB's

Wabash Cockblockers: yep

Wabash Cockblockers: happens in every draft because they go so early

With the 83rd pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Braylon Edwards.

Team Nigam: damnit i wanted vernon

Wabash Cockblockers: haha

Wabash Cockblockers: ZING!

Team Nigam: damnit and edwards

Team Nigam: screw you guys

Wabash Cockblockers: yeah, nice pick tobey

Team Leonidas: just remember that sticky hands braylon couldnt make that catch against osu

Wabash Cockblockers: (tobey sits there, stunned that I actually paid him a compliment)

With the 84th pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select L.J. Smith.

Team Leonidas: im watching a movie, not paying attention to mr cock blocker

Team Leonidas: haha

Wabash Cockblockers: no one makes that catch or run or anything against osu

Wabash Cockblockers: And btw, I block more cocks in one day than you have your entire life

Backfield In Lotion: you shouldn't be blocking his cock, you should be supporting his cock

With the 85th pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select Mike Bell.

Wabash Cockblockers: eff that

Wabash Cockblockers: tobey and i are mortal enemies

Wabash Cockblockers: thanks to his inexplicable hatred of brady quinn

Wabash Cockblockers: i'm guessing he's jealous of his good looks

With the 86th pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Ravens D/ST.

Backfield In Lotion: that play friendly FF together

With the 87th pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select Terry Glenn.

Team Nigam: man I love brady quinn

Backfield In Lotion: Brady Quinn is a fag on skates

Team Nigam: i wanna suck his dick so bad

Wabash Cockblockers: omg

Team Leonidas: charlie weiss....mmmm mmmm mmmm\

Wabash Cockblockers: you see, that's the header for your next KSK post MMP

Team Nigam: i wanna draft him so I can pretend that he and I are going out

Wabash Cockblockers: IF YOU CAN'T SPELL CHARLIE WEIS' LAST NAME CORRECTLY YOU ARE NOT FUCKING ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF HIM

Wabash Cockblockers: YOU FUCKING IDIOT

Backfield In Lotion: we bash quinn all the time

With the 88th pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select Dallas Clark.

Wabash Cockblockers: DO YOU SEE ME SPELL IT TRESSSELL? FUCK NO!

Wabash Cockblockers: READ A BOOK

Team Leonidas: i dont fucking care how u spell his last name

Team Nigam: hhahahahaha

Wabash Cockblockers: YOU STILL CAN'T READ

Team Leonidas: bradykwinn

With the 89th pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Philip Rivers.

Wabash Cockblockers: THIS IS SPARTA

With the 90th pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Vince Young.

With the 91st pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Deion Branch.

Backfield In Lotion: and this ass that went to Ohio Wesleyan always goes into our comments and rips us for it

Team Nigam: hahaha

Team Nigam: speaking of tressel

Wabash Cockblockers: yo

With the 92nd pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Eli Manning.

With the 93rd pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select Matt Leinart.

Wabash Cockblockers: (and yeah, MMP, you either love Brady or hate him)

Team Nigam: who else went to the autograph session and got autographs??

Team Nigam: cuz i did

Wabash Cockblockers: in cleveland?

Team Nigam: and it was fucking awesome

Wabash Cockblockers: that's sweet

Team Nigam: no at the stadium

Wabash Cockblockers: ah, awesome

Backfield In Lotion: in fact, I love hating him

With the 94th pick in the draft, the Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus select Jason Witten.

With the 95th pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select Mark Clayton.

Grizzly Bear Incest: i hate brady

Team Nigam: got to stand on the new field and everything

Wabash Cockblockers: oh yeah, that was thursday!

Grizzly Bear Incest: it's my new hobby

With the 96th pick in the draft, the Pac-Village Makin it Rain select Tony Romo.

Wabash Cockblockers: so you were like one of only about 300 guys i read in the dispatch

Team Nigam: i also got Beanie's and Todd Boeckman's

Wabash Cockblockers: sweeeet

Wabash Cockblockers: that's awesome

Wabash Cockblockers: do you think boeckman will start this saturday?

Team Leonidas: can i get your autograph sidd?

Team Nigam: almost splooged my pants when i talked to those guys

Team Leonidas: haha

Wabash Cockblockers: thanks for sharing that latter line there sidd

Wabash Cockblockers: oh yeah,

Wabash Cockblockers: speaking of saturday, wtf is up with the big ten network

Team Nigam: I think boeckman will start

Wabash Cockblockers: the pastor at my church was even complaining about in the sermon this morning

Team Nigam: he was the only player wearing a black jersey

Wabash Cockblockers: ok

Team Nigam: so i'm guessing he will

Wabash Cockblockers: good

With the 97th pick in the draft, the Pac-Village Makin it Rain select Bernard Berrian.

With the 98th pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select Isaac Bruce.

Wabash Cockblockers: schoenhoft i heard had a really week spring game

With the 99th pick in the draft, the Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus select Jake Delhomme.

Team Leonidas: weak u meen???

With the 100th pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select Calvin Johnson.

Wabash Cockblockers: shut up...

Team Leonidas: and u comp[lain i cant spell someones name i dont care about, at least i spell the english language correctly

Wabash Cockblockers: wow

Wabash Cockblockers: did you just type that sentence?

Team Leonidas: no

Wabash Cockblockers: hahahaha

Wabash Cockblockers: tobey steinman i love you

Backfield In Lotion: be nice or just leeve

Wabash Cockblockers: you truly are the pride of kenton, ohio

With the 101st pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Brian Leonard.

With the 102nd pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Vernand Morency.

With the 103rd pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Benjamin Watson.

With the 104th pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Michael Turner.

Wabash Cockblockers: anyways, i'm guessing jeff left to watch entourage

Beef on Weck: did he go to autopick?

Beef on Weck: i've been not at my comp a lot heh

With the 105th pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select Ben Roethlisberger.

Wabash Cockblockers: that's ok cheech

Wabash Cockblockers: this is going slower than i thought it would

With the 106th pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select LenDale White.

With the 107th pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Reuben Droughns.

With the 108th pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select Santonio Holmes.

Wabash Cockblockers: NIGAM YOU THIEF!

Wabash Cockblockers: GRRRR

Team Nigam: hahahahaha

Wabash Cockblockers: WE'RE NOT GOING TO SUGAR BAR ANYMORE

Team Nigam: lol

Team Nigam: watch this one

With the 109th pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select Patriots D/ST.

Wabash Cockblockers: nice pick

Team Nigam: go pats!

Wabash Cockblockers: boooooooo

Beef on Weck: gay

Team Nigam: they're going undefeated this year

Wabash Cockblockers: welcome to ohio sidd

With the 110th pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Brett Favre.

Wabash Cockblockers: where hating all things east coast is quickly becoming a statewide pasttime

Team Nigam: lol

Team Nigam: it doesn't matter

Team Nigam: results matter

Team Nigam: patriots = best team ever

With the 111th pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select Mike Furrey.

Wabash Cockblockers: well

Wabash Cockblockers: they are the favorites

Wabash Cockblockers: i'm not sure if any team has ever had a better offseason

Team Nigam: agreed

Wabash Cockblockers: and they did it while being ON TOP of the league

Wabash Cockblockers: unlike jimmy johnson's cowboys, who traded their way into a dynasty via herschel walker and all that

With the 112th pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select Jaguars D/ST.

With the 113th pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Derrick Mason.

With the 114th pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Vincent Jackson.

With the 115th pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Matt Jones.

Team Nigam: damn this draft is taking forever

Wabash Cockblockers: yeah

Wabash Cockblockers: i'll take responsibility for it

Wabash Cockblockers: i set each pick for two minutes maximum time

With the 116th pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Chargers D/ST.

Team Nigam: change it to a minute for 11-16

Wabash Cockblockers: too late

Wabash Cockblockers: sorry!

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: self imposed then

Team Nigam: yes let's do that

Wabash Cockblockers: i guess so

With the 117th pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select Brandon Jackson.

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: i hate you backfield

Wabash Cockblockers: haha

Team Nigam: come on business time

With the 118th pick in the draft, the Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus select Chris Brown.

With the 119th pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select Greg Jennings.

Wabash Cockblockers: the titans' starting rb

Wabash Cockblockers: and one of my sleepers

Wabash Cockblockers: damn

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: it's a vicious cycle

Wabash Cockblockers: jeff, you there?

Wabash Cockblockers: ha...vicious cycle

With the 120th pick in the draft, the Pac-Village Makin it Rain select Jerry Porter.

With the 121st pick in the draft, the Pac-Village Makin it Rain select Chad Pennington.

With the 122nd pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select D.J. Hackett.

Team Nigam: so the osu games wont be on CBS?

Team Nigam: the hell is the big ten network??

With the 123rd pick in the draft, the Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus select Devery Henderson.

Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus: live and die with the saints, i guess

Wabash Cockblockers: The Big Ten Network is an evil, evil corporation that got together one day and thought it would be fun to have an all-inclusive package of Big Ten sports, such as the conference water polo championships and cross country invitationals.

Wabash Cockblockers: They also thought it would be a great idea to take away games from local access and make loyal fans pay for them.

Team Nigam: now thats what I call a cockblock

Wabash Cockblockers: But then there was a problem: Time Warner called BULL FUCKING SHIT on the whole network and refused to carry them.

With the 124th pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select Randy McMichael.

Wabash Cockblockers: And that's why you, the common OSU fan, are getting fucked over from watching the Buckeyes the next two weeks.

Team Leonidas: just go to the game...

Wabash Cockblockers: Yeah, I'm gonna pay $50 to see OSU play their thrid string for half the game against Youngstown State?

Wabash Cockblockers: Please

With the 125th pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Joe Jurevicius.

With the 126th pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Chris Henry.

With the 127th pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Muhsin Muhammad.

Team Leonidas: why not

Wabash Cockblockers: Because I'd rather have gas in my car and food on the table, that's why

With the 128th pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Vikings D/ST.

With the 129th pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select Tatum Bell.

With the 130th pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select Alex Smith.

Wabash Cockblockers: Vikings D is a great pick this late

With the 131st pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Heath Miller.

Wabash Cockblockers: (and it makes me look silly for taking the Bears in Round 6, but that's who I am)

Team Nigam: u guys ready for this

With the 132nd pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select Brady Quinn.

Team Nigam: YES!!!!!!

Team Leonidas: hahaha

Wabash Cockblockers: oh lord

Wabash Cockblockers: well, this makes me look smart for taking the bears then

Wabash Cockblockers: :)

With the 133rd pick in the draft, the Team Nigam select Leon Washington.

Wabash Cockblockers: I mean, Good LORD DUDE

Team Nigam: well if u didnt take alex smith like i wanted

Team Nigam: mess up my whole draft

Team Nigam: asshole

Team Nigam: lol

Wabash Cockblockers: haha

With the 134th pick in the draft, the Team Leonidas select Anthony Thomas.

Malt Liquor In the Car: fuck

Wabash Cockblockers: You know, just for that, I'll take Troy Smith as my last pick

Wabash Cockblockers: (or not)

With the 135th pick in the draft, the Wabash Cockblockers select Adrian Peterson.

Team Nigam: looking back on it

With the 136th pick in the draft, the Grizzly Bear Incest select Eddie Kennison.

Team Nigam: i just took quinn over a lot of good qb's

Team Nigam: meh o well

With the 137th pick in the draft, the Malt Liquor In the Car select Daniel Graham.

With the 138th pick in the draft, the Chillicompton Matt Murrays select Ronald Curry.

With the 139th pick in the draft, the Team Powers select Reggie Williams.

Team Nigam: i'll pick up another one

Wabash Cockblockers: um yeah you did!

Wabash Cockblockers: you took him over scahub and leftwich to start

Wabash Cockblockers: i thought you were just messing with me!

Team Nigam: i told you

Team Nigam: i am gay for him

Team Nigam: lol

Wabash Cockblockers: hahaha

Wabash Cockblockers: That makes two of us, my hetersexual comrade

With the 140th pick in the draft, the Beef on Weck select Joe Horn.

Team Nigam: but seriously though he looked pretty good in the preseason

Wabash Cockblockers: No, he looked great last night

Wabash Cockblockers: But Charlie's gonna start first

Team Nigam: and i think he might start

Wabash Cockblockers: later on, but not right away

Team Nigam: especially since I don't think charlie frye is near as good

Wabash Cockblockers: yeah, me neither

Wabash Cockblockers: it's kind of like kurt warner and eli a few years ago in ny

With the 141st pick in the draft, the Backfield In Lotion select Dolphins D/ST.

Team Nigam: i once turned on the tv just in time to see frye throw an interception

With the 142nd pick in the draft, the Business Time Hip-Hoppaotomus select Broncos D/ST.

With the 143rd pick in the draft, the Team Van Rens select Trent Green.

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There'd be more but that's enough. Good times, bitches, good times.

Go Tribe?

2007-08-25T13:34:00.000-04:00

I remember a brief period in the 90's when the Cleveland Indians were fantastic and the Browns were tolerable. As fate would have it, as it often does with Cleveland sports, Art Modell took the Browns to Baltimore and the Tribe would end up having a fire sale of sorts after the turn of the century.

So are we now turning the corner again on the sports scene in Cleveland? The Cavs have one of baseketball's best players, the Browns are hoping to have secured the next ten years of the franchise this past spring, and the Indians are hanging tough after having taken two out of three from division rivals Detroit. Of course, they followed that up last night with a loss to Kansas City, but life goes on.

These Indians really do seem like a classy team on paper; their top three pitchers--Fausto Carmon, Paul Byrd and of course the almost incomparable C.C. Sabathia--have to be the envy of clubs with bigger budgets and smaller payoffs (read: NYY). It's just tough that the elite clubs of the American League are not only big spenders but highly complete and competent teams--just look at what they're doing in Seattle right now. Another problem, IMO, is that Grady Sizemore and Travis Hafner, for all the praise they receive as wunderkids, could certainly benefit by making a bit more solid contact with the ball from time to time. If Cleveland were a NL team they'd have already lined up a playoff spot. As it is, with two very savvy and experienced clubs in the AL Central trailing them, they have to do what most division leaders are doing and tread the waters through the final couple of weeks in September.

(On a related note, we could be in store for a wild final week of Sepetember and first round of playoff baseball. Stay tuned.)

So while I try not to say anything positive about Sean Marshall taking care of business for once in Arizona, I'll be more than happy to say "Go Tribe" as I jot down two areas of business I want to attend to in Cleveland before I leave Ohio for good:

Attend a game at Jacobs Field
Sleep by Lake Erie

Man, do I love people named Cliff!

2007-08-23T08:40:00.001-04:00

Disclaimer: this is not a post praising the Cubbies (at least not yet). Rather, it's a post praising the efforts of journeyman Cliff Floyd, who returned to the team this week after mourning the death of his father and provided huge hits in Chicago's previous two victories against the San Francisco Giants. On Tuesday night Floyd had a base loaded two-RBI single in a huge 5-1 comeback win, and last night he led off the tenth inning with a double to spur the two runs the Cubs needed to win the game 4-2.

I couldn't stay up and watch these games because they were on the West Coast, but it seems like we've had some excellent pitching efforts over the last week. The Cubs are playing very similar to how they're playing in Ken Griffey Jr.'s Baseball on my emulator on my computer; great pitching, about 4-5 runs at most per game (note: the game came out in 1994). I'm fairly certain for this afternoon's game that it'll take more than a late-inning burst to win; then again, a sweep going into the weekend would be tremendous...but I'm not praising them yet...

Bear Down 2007 Preview: We Are Going to Kill Everyone Not Living in New England

2007-08-21T08:26:00.001-04:00

I'm noticing that in the first couple of months of this blog, I have more Browns posts than Bears posts. Let's fix that!

SEASON PREVIEW OF ALL-TIME, BITCHES!

Let's begin this kickass preview with one of the boldest predictions I'll ever make in my sports-oriented life: the Bears will return to the Super Bowl this year (I'd be a bigger man and say they'd win it, but unfortunately the Pats had the offseason to destroy all offseasons). A great draft and a great off-season of free agency has given the Bears the perfect, perfect opportunity to once again run amock in the NFC, playing the kind of aggressive, hard-nosed run/defense game that took them to the Super Bowl in 2006.

The biggest question is not, actually, with regards to the play of Rex Grossman, but rather, can the defense get any better? HELL yes they can. After losing Tank Johnson to violence, the Bears quickly plugged the hole up front with veteran Darwin Williams (although Dusty Dvoracek might play ahead of him in that spot, I'm not sure) and are getting back the beast that is defensive tackle Tommie Harris. I won't go overboard and say this defensive line is the second coming of Richard Dent and Dan Hampton, but it could have the potential to best last year's line which was beset at times by injuries and nightclub shootings.

The linebackers I don't need to preview. Okay, I'll write one sentence about them: THEY WILL FIND YOU AND SKULLFUCK YOU, ESPECIALLY HUNTER HILLENMEYER.

The Bears secondary is the one thing, of course, that can really have you licking your chops. As with the d-line last season, injuries (along with, I suppose, a lack of experience in under-pressure situations) plagued the secondary in later games of the season. Now that Adam Archuleta has been signed at strong safety, it finally seems that there's enough depth in the backfield--coupled with the experience of Archuleta, Charles Tillman and Mike Brown, provided the latter can stay healthy--that the Bears passing defense will rank amongst the elite in the NFL, harkening back to the days of that badass known as Mark Carrier.

Here's the bottom line about this season's Bears D: FUCK YOU.

Now then, onto the offense. The goal will be to run the ball for 4 yards per carry. Why? Because we have Rex Grossman, that's why. Fuck. And Brian Griese is the backup! But at the very least, maybe Chris Leak will turn into a twice-as-good version of Craig Krenzel (btw, what's up with the Bears getting quarterbacks who lead their teams to national titles in college? I sure hope John David Booty ends up having a real shitty year)

Okay, seriously, the running game ought to pay the kinds of dividends we saw a season ago with Thomas Jones in the prime spot. Now, Cedric Benson gets that role, and I think he has it figured out. Add a very good Adrian Peterson (not THE Adrian Peterson, he's a bit further up north) and a bit of a wild card in Garrett Wolfe and we're set to platoon the shit out of that position. Our receivers are quick and capable, and we just acquired a great weapon in Greg Olsen from Miami, who is already being praised as a blockbuster draft pick. Offensively, the Bears look extremely capable; it's that quarterback position that has us shaking our knees a little bit as we puff out our chests.

Still, this is a decade that will go down in infamy for quarterbacks. We're in an era of the NFL, incredibly, where you don't need a magnificent passing game to travel all the way to the Super Bowl, as seen with the Bears last year and the Ravens in 2000 (and perhaps even the Steelers two seasons ago). Granted, it makes life a lot easier, but defense and running backs have gotten so fast, perhaps things have just caught up a little bit to the 40-yard deep threat. Or maybe the QBs the past couple of years were too inexperienced.

No matter, though; if the Bears could go 13-3 a year ago with the kind of regular season schedule they had, they can do it again. BEAR DOWN, BITCHES. BEAR DOWN.

Wait...people at Notre Dame still drink beer?

2007-08-20T16:22:00.000-04:00

Yeah, did anyone else know about this story? Last June Jimmy Clausen was cited by police for transporting alcohol as a minor. He was driving a 23 year-old friend to a liquor store when undercover cops on patrol (note to incoming Notre Dame freshmen: there are undercover police all over South Bend looking for underage drinkers, ESPECIALLY at tailgates. You have been warned) stopped him and issued him a citation. ESPN.com's headline has the word "arrest" in it, but I'm very certain that this wasn't an arrest, it was rather a citation, and that's a big difference. They ought to be careful with that when trying to grab readers.

But anyways, yeah, I'm surprised by this! First off, how does Clausen have a friend who's almost as old as I am in South Bend? (oh wait, he's a high-profile football player, maybe that explains some things). Second, and this is the fun part: was it Belmont Beverage or Discount Liquor that he went to? My money's on the Belmont, which is right next to the infamous Linebacker Inn (a hotspot for alumni on football weekends) and adored by underage students on every quad. That gives the story its charm.

It may not be a Tennessee football player getting caught with cocaine, but that shit doesn't happen at Notre Dame anyway.

Weekend roundup 8/20

2007-08-20T08:31:00.000-04:00

Rather than being productive on the Internet, I decided to be productive in real life the past few days instead, stepping up my music practice, going for a couple of nice runs, and getting hammered at a pool party in Marysville, which is about a 45-minute drive from Columbus. I spent too much time outdoors to be lonely and blogging, and to be honest, sometimes it's much better that way.

But I still made an effort to get some sports in, as tough as it is to scrounge for in the summertime. For one thing, I just don't watch preseason football. You can learn just as much about a preseason game from reading a column about it as you could watching the whole three boring hours of second- and third-string players fighting to make the Aug. 30th cut (or whenever it is).

But at the very least, it was good to read about Quinn being treated warmly by Cleveland fans as he put up some very good numbers--13 for 20 for 155 yards and 2 touchdowns. It even inspired Crennel to give this quote:

It's like Tony Kornheiser recently said in one of his many debates with Wilbon: this guy didn't forget how to play quarterback in those two weeks he held out of his contract. Suddenly, those two weeks of missed camp already feel like they were months ago (meanwhile the Jamarcus Russell saga continues, with hardly as much media criticism, IMO). I think it's good to keep Quinn out of the hot seat for at least first portion of the season, but this Saturday's outing has to be a good sign for Browns fans.

My big sports highlight of the weekend was supposed to be at the new BW3's on Lane and High next to campus. There I would drink beer (note: it's nice, but there are no daily drink specials--shameful!) and eat boneless ribs with honey BBQ sauce while watching the Cubs pummel the Cardinals.

Unfortunately, this happened:

And I got stuck watching the Little League World Series between Saudi Arabia and Curaco. I guess this is for the better; this way people don't go off praising the Cubs for pulling off a few wins and going a game upwaitI'mnotgoingtojinxitdamnitDON'TSAYANYTHINGFUCKHEADSsorryididn'tmeantocallyouafuckheadjusteveryoneelse.

Okay, we'll stop there..

Five years, $90 million

2007-08-17T11:25:00.000-04:00

That's what they're saying. Maybe he was distracted these last couple of outings...

NFL Season Previews: The Browns and Bengals

2007-08-17T09:34:00.001-04:00

Well shit, we're about three weeks away from the NFL season starting (and almost a week away from my FFL draft!) and I haven't previewed any NFL teams in places I've lived in. Let's start with two that probably won't make the playoffs this season:

The Cincinnati Bengals

You know how certain teams like the Jets, Cowboys and 49ers have their designated "superfan," who dresses up in some wacky outfit and always makes a fuss at home games? I think the Cincinnati Bengals superfan shouldn't be this guy; rather, it needs to be a guy dressed in horizontal oranged and black pinstrips, with an orange bandanna over his eyes (with eyeholes, of course...thinking of that reminds me of the Lions/Bengals game from 2005 where some Lions fan had a LIONSVISION bandanna without the eye holes, it was incredibly funny).

The Bengals will continue to have a strong offense, although the running game took a nasty hit with Kenny Irons tearing his ACL in a pregame and having to sit out this entire season. Maybe Chris Perry shapes up as a result? Time will tell. Unfortunately, I can't say we're going to see Cincy in the playoffs this year because of two factors:

The AFC North is almost like the Wild West this season, with no team holding an overwhelming advantage over anyone else (the expection being the Ravens' D)
Heading into Lewis' fourth year of coaching we still don't know what to expect from the Bengals defense, particularly their pass D. Two years ago people said this is what killed the Bengals against the Steelers (and in other regular season games), and yet, has it really gotten better? The only stellar addition I can think of is Jonathan Joseph and he's a pothead. I just don't know with these guys.

However the Bengals do have a Powerball in play:

Palmer might just say "fuck it" and throw for 4,000+ yards, 35 TDs and almost single-handedly win 4-5 games this year. Who the hell knows. Rudi needs to stay healthy, though.

Cleveland Browns

I approach this preview shuffling my shoes, keeping my head buried towards my chest, as I know only two things about the Browns:

Brady Quinn, and

They haven't been relevant since the originals left for Baltimore (although that's more Art Shell's fault...it really is incredible he...wait, I won't write it...)

The great news in Cleveland is that people give a damn. The bad news is that they don't seem to have the personnel to upend, once and for all, the Steelers or Ravens. Charlie Frye can't hold a tuning fork to the Raven's defense, who's to say Brady would in his first season?

Is Braylon Edwards finally going to shape up and play like a first round pick, or will he be the next Peter Warrick? How much does that O-line improve with the heralded Joe Thomas as its anchor? If you're a non-Browns fan (like myself) can you name a single defensive Browns player? 2007 has all the makings of a very gritty, gut-check year, akin to what the Arizona Cardinals had last season. Over/under for Browns wins: 6, easily. And I bet you they'll get to that point as well. Expect the AFC North to be a very tense (and at times ugly) division this season.

Be Strong, Cub Nation, Part Deux

2007-08-17T08:18:00.000-04:00

That's what I would have written this morning had Chicago not snapped its four-game losing streak in the boldest of manners yesterday afternoon, beating the Reds 12-5. (I just got back from a small vacation, which is why I hadn't written anything the past few days, for the four or five of you that actually read this blog) Up until that point, the pitching had been woeful--Rich Hill and Carlos Zambrano most noticeably--and we were headed for the 614th version of a Cubs team with tremendous slugging but dreadful pitching all over the roster.

Now? We're somehow only a half game behind the Brewers--note again, the weakness of this year's NL Central--and the Cardinals are making noise once more. Everyone likes the Cardinals to win it now, and who can blame them? That's what consistent play does. And well, well, well, look at who we host the next four days.

So yeah, it's another crucial weekend series. The last time we had one of these, Tom Glavine won his 300th game and the Cubs effectively slipped out of a playoff spot. Hopefully the worst that happens this weekend is Rick Ankiel pulling a hammy (dodges lighting bolt) while Pujols hits 2 for 16. Go Cubs. Yay.

Be strong, Cub Nation

2007-08-13T09:04:00.000-04:00

Well, we just dropped two out of three against the Rockies.

And it's not like it was close, either: 15-2 Saturday and 6-3 yesterday. Say what you want with Soriano and Angel Pagan out, hitting can't overcome those kinds of deficits. Good God, this is a mental weakness if a team with a $90 million payroll ever had one.

That's one of the things about box scores in baseball; unlike other sports, the statlines can tell you a lot about a team's mentality. A pitcher giving up 5 runs over 3 innings pales in comparison to the one who gives up the same amount over 7. Reading a statline like that tells a reader that one guy was mentally tougher than the other and kept with it on a day when he didn't have his best throwing stuff.

Why am I so certain that a team's mental focus is a huge part of its baseball success? Look at where the Yankees are right now. Screw the payroll and the aged pitching rotation, they're soaring, and the Cubs are unfortunately headed in the opposite direction. Suffice to say, it's surprising we're only 1 1/2 games out of first place; it feels more like 4 or 5 games (and also says a lot about the makeup of the division).

This, THIS is why you never praise the Cubs when they reach first place in anything. Ever. The media sucks.

One more post about the Bonds thing and then I'll leave it alone until he gets in trouble

2007-08-10T10:19:00.000-04:00

The AP has a small report on Hank Aaron saying he might speak to Bonds someday. It also has this dynamite quote from the home run king (yeah I said it):

"It really got to the point where a lot of people started wanting to give you advice about what you should do, and they didn't know what the hell the situation was," Aaron was quoted as saying. "I mean, these were people that you had been knowing for a long time, but they couldn't figure out why I wasn't getting involved in this thing. Then they would come forward and say things like, 'Well, you need to do this. You need to do that.' They wanted to give you all of this advice, and they didn't know what was all involved in it, really.

"That's the thing that really bothers you. Friends that you've had a long time are all of a sudden coming forth and telling you things like, 'Well, I don't understand why you aren't making comments, or why aren't you doing blah, blah, blah?' Well, you know what? You're not supposed to understand any of it, because you're not in it."

Hank Aaron is in a zone right now where he can do wrong. Kudos to Hank for calling out certain idiots who have no idea what's about to happen to Bonds and his legacy. And make sure you remember everything that happened over the past week with regard to Bonds, because as Aaron's letting on in this quote, the shit's gonna hit the fan, and perhaps sooner than you think.

2007 Ohio State Football Season Preview

2007-08-10T08:36:00.001-04:00

S1 YOUNGSTOWN STATE Win

S8 AKRON Win

S15 Washington Win

S22 NORTHWESTERN Win

S29 Minnesota Win

O6 Purdue Win

O13 KENT Win

O20 MICHIGAN STATE Win

O27 Penn State Loss

N3 WISCONSIN Loss

N10 ILLINOIS Win

N17 Michigan Win

Listen up, Buckeye fans: the first seven games of the season are so friggin' meaningless you might as well subscribe for season game tickets to Blue Jackets game this winter and then invest in a scalped ticket for the Wisconsin game, because this is the cup-cake schedule to end all cup-schedules. It's also proof that Notre Dame is an easy target for whenever they schedule games against the Armed Forces, because would you see people make the same jokes for Ohio State playing Kent? Nooooooooooooooooooo.

(I mean, seriously, Ohio State versus fucking Kent! In the middle of the season! And you wonder why the Big Ten doesn't have a bye week.)

I tease, OSU fans. I'm a fan myself, now that I owe the school money for a few years. It just so happens that while the odds of making a BCS bowl appearance for the third straight year are great, the odds of winning the Big Ten conference again are not. The main reason? Not Michigan, actually: in my mind, it's John Stocco and PJ Hill of Wisconsin. You remember the Badgers as the team that got screwed out of a BCS appearance thanks to the "no more than two teams from the same conference rule" and the "Notre Dame is allegedly better than you rule" (although as this link will prove, their regular season schedule last year was just as cupcake as OSU's is this year). Wisconsin-OSU has all the makings of a great, gritty Midwestern college football game, with the exception that the Buckeyes will lack a quarterback who knows what the hell he's doing for the first time in quite a while (Did Bobby Hoying know what he was doing when he played? Any research done on that?)

Yes, the QB question at Ohio State is probably more anxiety-filled than at Notre Dame; I didn't attend the spring game this past season, but from I heard from friends, the quarterbacks were playing like "who wants it the least" instead of "who wants it the most." The two guys most likely to battle it out (and I'm sure you'll see plenty from both these guys in the Youngstown State/Akron games lol) are Todd Boeckman and Rob Schoenhoft, with Boeckman slightly older and thus likely to see a bit more action starting out. I like Schoenhoft because he's a St. X guy (my HS alma mater...by the way, Mike Odioso, if you happen to ever read this, fuck you, and that's from the heart), but he seems so, uh, big, and...clumsy...like, an anti-Troy Smith.

Well, then again, everything at QB is gonna be anti-Troy Smith this year, with the exception of his playing against Florida. You might see that duplicated this year.

Everything else for Ohio State? Fine. Running backs? Fine. Defense? Fine. Cheerleaders? Drunk. Chances of rioting? Very good when we beat Michigan. And ohhhhh, are we beating Michigan. Have to! They've become the pre-2004 Red Sox in the Jim Tressel Era.

Bold prediction to top all bold predictions: OSU goes 10-2, proceeds to Fiesta Bowl and beats the Irish again (who, as you remember, are destined to go 8-3 because I said so), and I get made fun of for six additional months. The cycle of college football repeats itself.

Your obligatory triennial Columbus Crew update

2007-08-09T11:03:00.000-04:00

They suck. Not terribly, but yeah.

Situation expected to get worse before it improves

2007-08-09T08:09:00.001-04:00

This is why you should never, ever give props to the Chicago Cubs.

Only a week after claiming first place in the NL Central, Chicago lost to Houston last evening 8-2 and have now dropped four straight. Amazingly, they're still only a game out of first place, but part of me is already seeing the inevitable happen, that lurid catchphrase "Completely Useless By September" arising from its ashes in the midst of another late-season suffocation.

Zambrano didn't pitch great (to be honest, for a guy getting paid $12.5 million, he played like shit), but I'd be more concerned about our hitting. The Cubs had no fireworks in their lineup last evening, with Soriano on the DL for a while and Aramis Ramirez missing last night due to a sore wrist. Angel Pagan, a reliable platoon hitter, is also on the DL. And then there's D-Lee, whom I'm a huge fan of, but we're coming to rely more on him for clutch hitting rather than power this season.

At any rate, the Cubs still may have a chance to win the NL Central, but that's as far as I think they can go. There's still just not enough consistency in this program to challenge the Mets, Dodgers, or heck, sometimes even the Cardinals still. Be patient...if you can wait 100 years, you can wait two or three more, right?...

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Other junk:

So at least Brady's signed and Cleveland's long national nightmare will be postponed for about two more months. It really was much ado about nothing when you think about it, as Quinn's in about the same position as Matt Leinart was a year ago (although my prediction of $15 million guaranteed was wrong, it was half that for Quinn--not that he's poor or anything right now). Kudos to Quinn's agent, Tom Condon, for getting what seems like a good deal for his client, given that he was screwed over in the NFL Draft and now has the chance to show opponents he didn't forget how to play quarterback, as Kornheiser said yesterday on PTI. And as for this junk about him out of contention for the Browns' starting job?...I personally guarantee you'll see him start at least one game this year.

When I heard about the ND player getting arrested for soliciting an undercover cop, only one thought went through my head: that's the only way anyone can get laid at Notre Dame these days.

Notre Dame 2007 Season Preview (aka fuck Mark May, the 2007 edition)

2007-08-07T09:10:00.000-04:00

I waited through all of July, and I just can’t wait any longer. Let’s preview the college football season already!

As in real life, the private school gets attention first.
S01 GEORGIA TECH
The only thing I know about this Georgia Tech squad is that if they had the guy they currently have at QB (Taylor Bennett) a year ago, Calvin Johnson would have amassed 2,000 yards receiving and the Yellow Jackets might have wound up winning the ACC. Yes, I (and many others) are jumping to conclusions based on one Gator Bowl performance. Welcome to college football!

This is about as tough a test as the Irish will have in their first game (the one exception being Nebraska on the road in 2001, and what a nightmare that was), but I really can’t see them losing right out of the gate, especially at home with the students getting smashed on their first weekend on campus. Win

S08 @ Penn State
A game that terrifies me, and for obvious reasons. They say Penn State fans are the rudest and most mean-spirited of any in the Big Ten (this is a lie, however, when Michigan plays at OSU, big-time). Whenever people reminisce about the great ND-PSU games of yesteryear they remember the Irish wins, never the Nittany Lions’ victories. Can you imagine how ticked off PSU fans must be sometimes—especially after a season last year, where their team played its butt off but couldn’t overcome more talented opponents? This will be a foreboding experience for the Irish. Loss

S15 @ Michigan
We’re not winning this game. Loss, hopefully not by more than 2 TD's

S22 MICHIGAN ST.
Yet another historic rivalry that ills me for this fact alone: over the past six years, the away team has won this game. God tried changing that trend a year ago at Spartan Stadium, but He forgot that John L. Smith was the MSU coach and thus the Irish found a way to get back into the game. Thus, THIS is the year the trend changes! Win

S29 @ Purdue
The last time Purdue beat Notre Dame, Kyle Orton played the greatest game of his life at any level. WHERE IS YOUR ORTON NOW??? Win

O06 @ UCLA
Bold prediction: at least one team from Los Angeles will beat us this year. Loss

O13 BOSTON COLLEGE
By far, the most important game of the season. Don’t believe what the idiot at NDnation.com or anywhere else say: this is a rivalry. We haven’t beaten these guys in seven years, and we need to do so immediately. Those of you outside the realm of private school (and kudos to you, as you’re getting laid more often and finding more time to drink), Notre Dame grads and students often refer to BC as “Back-up College,” as a second-tier school to Notre Dame in many different ways…well, except for night life (Boston’s a bit bigger college town than South Bend) and athletics (BC has schooled us in most intercollegiate sports this decade), but otherwise, yeah, fuck Boston College. And fuck you guys for going to the ACC so you could get more money and bigger contracts with other football conferences. You should’ve just stayed independent and signed a deal with NBC, it’s more noble that way. Jerks. WIN, BITCHES, WIN

O20 SOUTHERN CAL
This is the only game I get to witness with my own two eyes this season, and if you think I'm predicting a loss you're crazy. Win

(But this should explain my UCLA pick as well)

N03 NAVY
‘Natch. Win

N10 AIR FORCE
Expect a lot of Armed Forces jokes leading up to this one. Win

N17 DUKE
This game is going to spark so many bad jokes I’m going to have to hide myself from my OSU buddies the following week (thankfully, it’ll be Thanksgiving weekend then). Win

N24 @ Stanford
Jim Harbaugh’s awesome, but still…Win

So, we tally up the wins and losses and...oh my, we've got an 8-3 record here! And with a schedule like this, that has to guarantee a BCS bowl appearance. So then, the Irish head to the Fiesta Bowl this upcoming January and get their ass kicked by a superior opponent, and we repeat the entire cycle of pundits saying how overrated Notre Dame is (starting and ending with Mr. Fucktard himself, Mark May, I'm sure).

The big question for the Irish this season? The quarterback position. Evan Sharpley probably starts out against Georgia Tech, but Demetrius Jones and some guy named Jimmy Clausen are equal possibilities as well (at least, that's what Weis wants you to believe).

So an 8-3 regular season isn't very likely, I'm aware of that. That said, we're not starting out the season in the top 25. GT, BC, USC, UCLA, Mich and Penn State are all ahead of us. If we beat even three of those teams, that makes us worthy of some props, right? Has to.

But alas, we're the Irish, and we're a very easy target when we lose.

Tom Glavine, you're OK

2007-08-06T12:46:00.000-04:00

Congratulations Tom Glavine on his 300th win.

Congratulations Kerry Wood on returning to the major leagues for the first time since May of last year.

Kudos to fans for showing a lot of class towards Glavine last night.

Otherwise…

Brady, put up; Browns, PAY UP

2007-08-06T12:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, so you know negotiations between Quinn and Cleveland aren’t going all that great when the Browns’ front office is making comments that seem like they belong more in a divorce court than on a football field. GM Phil Savage has recently said how if you're not going to "rank" players in the draft, you might as well make it one big free agency swing.

Well, hey Phil, Quinn was ranked as a top ten prospect, but it's not his fault he was taken 22nd overall—it’s because the Miami Dolphins are stupid, and while they prepare to go into battle with Trent Green and a recovering Ted Ginn Jr., Quinn and co. wonder how the hell they got shafted so badly.

That said…the longer Quinn holds out, the less leverage he’s and agent Tom Condon are going to have in contract talks. Romeo Crennel is already giving Quinn the Parcells treatment (not referring to him by name in press talks, you'll find that in the previously linked article), and with Quinn missing both orientation and nearly a week and a half of training camp, it’s a good bet he might not even play in the upcoming regular season, although as recent history shows with Philip Rivers and Carson Palmer, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

If I’m a mind reader, I’m guessing the Quinn camp wants what I call “Matt Leinart money”—about $15 million in guaranteed money, probably $20-30 million over the next 5-6 years. For the 22nd overall pick, this is a ton, and that’s where this huge conflict is happening. It seems less and less likely that the Browns will end up signing him for this much, but they’ll certainly have to pay him more than what your typical 22nd overall pick might get, or this thing could turn into a meltdown of T.O./Ryan Leaf-esque proportions. I’m not kidding about that.

Well, at least Brady Quinn got to hang out with Brett Michaels, which means I'm only two or three degrees from herpes.

CliffX versus the Retarded USC Professor

2007-08-03T12:08:00.000-04:00

Just as you’re about to head into the weekend with nothing to write about, bam, some idiot publishes a column on Page 2 on ESPN.com. The author of the column is Todd Boyd, a professor of critical studies at the University of Southern California School of Cinematic Arts. He’s also a distinguished author and media figure, having made appearances on such programs as the Today Show, CBS Evening News, Sportscenter, and Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher. He is a distinguished and reputable gentleman who appears to have made a good living expressing himself through writing and critical thought.

That said: it doesn’t seem like he can write worth shit.

I never heard of Todd Boyd until I saw his op-ed piece (if you can call it that) about Hank Aaron not following Bonds’ home run chase. If you read my Tour de France/Bud Selig blog about a week ago you know I feel Selig should be doing exactly what Aaron is doing in giving Bonds the cold shoulder. I have no problem with people holding a different opinion…

…but what the hell is this? When I first read through it I asked myself if it was actually satire. I even found Boyd’s USC email address and asked him directly. Seeing as he hasn’t responded yet, I must assume this was a legit tirade against Aaron think it’s necessary to the greater good of educated bloggers everywhere to deconstruct this unbelievably poorly written column.

So then, it’s time for round one of the Smart Notre Dame Alum versus the Idiot, Pot-smoking USC Movie Guy.

Body’s words are in bold, mine are normal font.

An open letter to Hank Aaron,

I really wish I didn't have to say what I'm about to say, but as my friend Branford Marsalis once told me, "Speak the truth and shame the devil."

I’m not sure what that means, but it’s innocuous enough.

Hopefully you are sitting down when you read this. OK, here it goes: Hank Aaron, you are a hater! That's right Hank, you're a full-fledged, bona fide, 100 percent playa hater of the highest order. There, I said it. What a relief.

Ummm…..

I was hoping you would come to your senses and realize how important it is for you to show Barry Bonds some love right now, in spite of whatever misgivings you might have about your home run record being broken. Hank, I wanted you to take the high road. But, no, you decided that you would, in essence, point a huge extended middle finger in Bonds' direction. As they say in Detroit, "If you don't start no s---, won't be none started." Well since you took it there, you leave me no choice.

WTF???

Okay, we need to break down this entire paragraph even further.

I was hoping you would come to your sense and realize how important it is for you to show Barry Bonds some love right now, in spite of whatever misgivings you might have about your home run record being broken.

Normally typing in all caps is viewed as rude: but now's a better time than ever to use it: BONDS IS A CHEATER! HE’S ALSO A HUGE ASSHOLE WHO PROBABLY BEATS UP HIS WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS! HE CARES ABOUT NOBODY EXCEPT HIMSELF! AND YOU WANT HANK TO “SHOW HIM SOME LOVE”???? ARE YOU RETARDED, OR MICHAEL IRVIN AND MERRIL HOGE ALL ROLLED UP INTO ONE?

Sheesh.

In case you are unfamiliar with the term "playa hater," Hank, let me pull your coat.

Oh, God…

A playa hater is someone who harbors extreme jealously and animosity toward someone else's success, especially if that person's success overshadows his own.

Minus the “playa hater” lingo this is actually a fine way to start an argument, that Aaron may very well be jealous about what Bonds is about to accomplish.

As Puff once said on Biggie's track "Playa Hater," "You see, there are two kind of people in the world today. We have the playaz and we have the playa haters." Well, Hank, your refusal to recognize Bonds' accomplishments clearly demonstrates that you are in the latter camp.

But then the distinguished professor decided to quote Diddy (and how’s this for street cred: he doesn’t even go by Puff Daddy anymore, he’s Diddy! Ha! A white boy just schooled your ass!), and the column permanently went down the tubes.

Stop hiding behind this steroid garbage, Hank. Your real motives are a bit transparent here. First, you said you didn't want to travel to see Bonds break your record, but then you end up traveling to Puerto Rico? C'mon Dawg, that ain't pimpin!

Yes, shockingly Hank Aaron felt that redeeming his sky miles for a relaxing vacation in a beautiful country would be much more satisfying than flying up to the Bay Area to see some jerkoff break baseball’s most hallowed record. Also, I would love to see you go up to Aaron and say, “Yo Dawg, you been pimpin’?” I’m sure this would go over extremely well with him.

You are the same man who once forgave John Rocker for his vicious verbal sins, after originally saying that his comments had made you sick, but now you can't give Bonds a break?

A reasonable point, although I think it’s a bit off-track.

You are hurting my heart, Hank. You are no longer my favorite Mobile, Ala., native, either. I have taken that title and bestowed it on the rapper Rich Boy; throw some D's on it, indeed!

…God damn it…

At age 24, I guess I'm getting uncool already, because I had to Google "Throw Some D's On It" and I found the lyrics to the song. (I'd listen to it too but I'd rather not take that risk at work.) In the interest of fairness, I'll just say the rap is, uh, unoriginal.

The streets have lost respect for you too, Hank. You once had street cred, just "on the strength," as they say. You were Big Bank Hank to us. The fact that you had to endure so much hatin' yourself on your way to breaking Babe's record meant you always had much love in the streets. No more, though.

Congratulations, Todd Boyd, on completely and totally disgracing the achievements of Hank Aaron and what he meant to not only baseball but American culture. This entire “street cred” concept is absolute bullshit and ignores the big picture here: Hammerin’ Hank Aaron is much more than “street cred,” he is an American hero—and in the twenty-first century, we’re losing sports heroes by the minute, it seems. Tom Brady fathers a kid out of wedlock. Kobe Bryant stands trial for rape. Michael Vick, simply put, completely fucks up his career. And Barry Bonds remains as veiled, ignorant and mean-spirited as ever as he stands on the brink (forever, it now seems) of passing Aaron. Remember that banner at the Phillies game a year ago as Bonds was chasing Ruth’s total? “Ruth did it on hot dogs and beer; Aaron did it with class. What did YOU do it with?” So congratulations on completely missing the point about why Hank is no-showing Bonds. For further reading I’d suggest you check out Ryne Sandberg’s Hall of Fame speech on what it means to play the game the right way. Now there’s a hero for you, along with Aaron.

Don't get me wrong, Bonds isn't the most street credible cat. For one, there's not enough bass in his voice. But in spite of that, hip-hop still loves an anti-hero and Bonds most certainly fits that bill.

So a crippled man in his 40's getting booed at every away stadium he plays at = hip-hop. Thanks for clearing that up.

If Bud Selig doesn't show his face then that's one thing. In some ways Selig's absence would further Bonds' status as an anti-hero. But even Selig softened his stance and started attending Bonds' games.

So does this give Bud Selig street cred? I mean, it has to, right?...do you see how silly your argument has become yet???

So Hank, you're the last remaining holdout. As Eddie told Priest in "Super Fly," "You better come on in, man!"

I wonder if anyone in the present hip-hop culture even knows who or what Superfly is.

Hank, I'm not asking you to kiss the area of Bonds' lower backside where people have suggested he injected steroids. I'm just asking you not to get caught up in all this drama. Make an appearance, shake his hand, whisper to him that you think he is a "big water head boy" and then once out of sight go wash your hands if you want to.

And Hank might have just listened to this very sound advice if you didn’t insult him in the first paragraph…

Just don't let yourself be used by people who don't have your best interests at heart.

Now where the FUCK does this line of judgment come from???? Who the fuck is putting Aaron down?

Some of these same people once wished you ill will as you were about to surpass Babe and now they're acting like they love you so much. Don't believe the hype. This change of heart seems just a bit disingenuous to me.

I’m sure Boyd's correct in this regard; I bet a lot of people who had scorn for Aaron passing Ruth—and let’s just put in it plain language, they had scorn to see a black man passing a white man’s record—have much more scorn for what Bonds is doing. The thing I detest about these previous few sentences is that Boyd is insinuating that the white man has Aaron in their pocket as they decry Barry Bonds, and to me, that is complete, utter fucking bullshit. Fuck you, Todd Boyd, for merely suggesting the idea that white people are using Aaron for their own selfish needs. Fuck you, and fuck your Trojans too (that’s a personal jab, but still, fuck the Trojans).

I'm asking you one last time, Hank, please reconsider. This is not a good look. You have left Bonds hanging and this is a crime. History will frown upon your selfish actions, Hank.

Remember somebody actually wrote this when you see Bonds get indicted this winter.

Put down that glass of haterade that you've been drinking and get on the next plane headed in Bonds' direction. Or else, prepare yourself for the inevitable: having your ghetto pass revoked.

(too afraid to respond to this one)

I know you and a lot of other older African-Americans such as Bill Cosby don't like us hip-hop heads. I know you think we are taking the race backward, and with Flavor Flav getting so much attention these days it's getting harder to argue that point, but give us a break. No, we did not get attacked by dogs and water hoses back in the day. No, Bonds has not gone through what you went through. We know this. But times have changed. We recognize your struggles, but we need you to recognize ours too. This is the era of "mo' money, mo' problems," Dawg, and your refusal to acknowledge Bonds is one of those problems right now.

First off, the “Mo’ money, mo’ problems” era died when Ma$e found religion for about ten days and Justin Timberlake became a regular on BET (and then went on to do “Dick in a Box” and thus we essentially were finished with the “Mo’ money, mo’ problems era. Now we have so much money we’re makin’ it rain! LOL!) Second…hey man, whatever happened to doing the right thing? This is where the bullshit about street cred blows Boyd’s argument out of the water and into writer’s purgatory. If street cred is defined by the actions of guys like Vick, Bonds, and Pac-Man Jones, you have to think Aaron doesn’t want to be apart of that crowd. Come on, these guys, whatever “street cred” they may have, have been made into villains by mainstream media. Look at the big fucking picture for a change.

Hank, I hope you take this in the spirit it was intended. I didn't want to call you out. Really.

Liar.

But your actions, or lack thereof, about this whole Bonds thing are just straight up hatin', pure and simple. So do yourself a favor, stop hatin' and get your mind right, Brotha.

Nice job with the grammar there, Dr. Boyd. Clearly you belong at a place like USC.

'Cause if you free your mind, I guarantee, your ass will follow.

The first time I ever heard this comment was when the Parliament Funkadelic came to Notre Dame (no, really, this happened in 2002) and some bass player wearing nothing but a diaper and yelled several times, “Free your mind, and your ass will follow.” It was a pretty bad concert, all things considered; George Clinton didn’t show up until an hour into the set and he looked stoned off his ass (as did a few other band members). But then, I suppose you’d need to be stoned to play in front of a bunch of Notre Dame students.

Peace, The Notorious Ph.D.

You suck.

The most disappointing thing about this column is that I do believe Boyd makes legit remarks, such as the idea that Aaron very well may be jealous of what Bonds is doing, or even the John Rocker tangent (although he has to provide a citation of Aaron saying he forgives Rocker--oh wait, this is Page 2, and not actual reporting, never mind). But Boyd's need to bog everything down in this "keeping it real" kind of speak results in a disaterously shitty column. This is one of the worst things Page 2 has ever churned out, and that's saying something for a web page that's kept Jim Caple employed this long.

Hey Boyd, here's keeeping it real for you: 755 career home runs, all achieved through hard work and sacrfice, without an ounce of unnatural chemicals in his body. That's Hank Aaron, and he's kept it more real than you could ever hope to be, BITCH.

GO IRISH.

So anyways, the Big Ten Network is set to fuck you over

2007-08-02T12:50:00.000-04:00

In the twenty-first century, few things could make less century could make less sense than college football fans being blacked out from seeing their hometown team on television. But there's a great possibility for that to happen when the Big Ten Network launches at the end of this month.

Buckeye fans not subscribed to the network could be set to miss the opening games against Akron and Youngstown State. Yes, I'm writing a blog complaining about how I might not get to see OSU play Akron or Youngstown State on TV (in all likelihood I'm going to scalp a ticket to one of these games anyways). But this is the kind of slippery slope that is going to lead to one of these premium networks--be they the Big Ten Network or NFL Network or whomever--that will result in a large percentage of fans missing out on a huge game or performance and result in eighty thousand pissed off phone calls to Time Warner, who were blameless in the first place.

I know it's unlikely, but say Akron or YSU end up fielding a really competitive game against the Buckeyes, similar to how Ball State played Michigan last season. Wouldn't you be glued to the TV set under normal circumstances, monitoring the action like a hostage negotiator? But now there's a chance you'd at the very least have to go extra measures to watch your team(s) play, regardless of how big the game is.

You see, true fandom shouldn't come with a price tag, like with what Boston did with this president of Red Sox Nation thing recently. It doesn't matter where your season tickets are in the Horseshoe, or how many Troy Smith jerseys you have in your closet. You know a true sports fan when you see him and hear him talk, and you get that sense of what it takes to understand the logistics of it all. And yes, only men can be true sports fans. Man law.

Further reading about problems with the Big Ten Network right here.

A moment for the victims of the Minneapolis bridge collapse

2007-08-02T10:24:00.001-04:00

My good friend Jason called me at about 10:30 last night, asking me if I had CNN or Fox News or anything of that sort. When I reminded Jason that I'm poor (and thus the answer was no), he informed me of the Minneapolis bridge collapsing early last evening, killing anywhere from 4 to 7 people and injuring dozens more. It seemed the accident struck a little close to home for Jason; he's spent the past year working for Americorps in Point Pleasant, West Virginia, which in 1967 had a bridge collapse of its own, killing 46 people.

Obviously we're going to hear reports and witness lobbying over stricter bridge/construction testing over the next several months, because that's what catastrophes do to society--be they man-made like a bridge collapse or natural disasters such as Hurricane Katrina. Watching footage of the bridge this morning on Good Morning America (which they profiled extensively before cutting to a Diane Sawyer interview with Nicole Ritchie, which I think is absolutely hilarious), I guess one should be thankful that the death toll, while awful, isn't more than it is. The bridge looks like something out of a movie set, like one of those old disaster films from the 70's. I'll definitely be thinking good thoughts for the people of Minneapolis, especially those who lost someone to the accident.

In a sports-related story, the Twins decided to play on last night so as not to have their fans go back onto the highways and possibliy interfere with rescue operations. They've postponed tonight's game and groundbreaking ceremony for a new stadium, however.

NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING

2007-08-02T08:05:00.000-04:00

No talking about anything until September 29th. No thinking allowed, either. In the meantime, Murton sure has crazy hair. It's redder than mine, even.

So close, yet...

2007-07-31T08:41:00.000-04:00

This is when following baseball is the most difficult; when your team is merely inches away from a division lead or the wild card spot and you have to scan the day-by-day box scores to see if they can make up that one or two inches of ground by late September. In this case, the Cubs had a chance to take the NL Central lead heading into last night's matchup against the Phillies. They lost 4-1, but are now only a full game behind the Brewers and 1 1/2 behind the Wild Card spot. It looks more and more like the way to get into October will be going through a NL Central pennant. Regardless, the Cubs must take advantage of these next three games against the Phillies, as they host the Mets over the weekend, and suddenly, that one game back turns into four or five and we make a panic trade for shitty relief pitching (instead of making a smart trade for, you know, good relief pitching). And we don't want that to happen!

In other news, Brady Quinn is doing exactly what Matt Leinart did a year ago, and he's getting just as much bad press for it, too. Maybe he deserves it, but still...this is what the NFL gets for not knowing how to manage the first round of the NFL draft. I predict Quinn's agent Tom Condon cuts a deal similar to what Leinart had, 5-6 years at $40-50 million with about $15 million guaranteed. That's the going rate these days for franchise QBs.

(And Browns fans, Charlie Frye is NOT your franchise QB. Talk yourselves out of that immediatley.)

So THIS is what successful teams do!

2007-07-29T19:26:00.001-04:00

A quick word on the Bears getting defensive tackle Darwin Walker from the Bills in exchange for a fifth-round pick...

SWEET.

I'd never heard of Walker until this afternoon, but doesn't mean I don't want to have his child. The Bears, already a great defensive team, got someone to cover the void Tank Johnson left for doing naughty things over the past year or so. So with Tommie Harris coming back healthy and Lance Briggs agreeing to at least one more year in Chicago, this ought to silence the doubters who thought the Bears' D would wilt after a disappointing Super Bowl and a rocky offseason, shouldn't it?

It's almost like there's a model for this kind of restructuring...

Probably the Only Arena Bowl Diary You'll Find On the Internet*

2007-07-29T19:02:00.000-04:00

PICTURE FORTHCOMING. IN THE MEANTIME, PRETEND THESE ARE BOOBS.
(.)(.)

*This awesome title was shot out of the water when I saw Deadspin link to It's Still Football for their caffeinated entry. It's okay, though, because their mood was completely the opposite of mine while writing.

3 pm A nation holds its breath as Arena Bowl XXI get underwa…no, forget it, I’m not going to sugarcoat this thing, especially with Mike and Mike (Greenberg and Golic, in case you needed to know) hosting this thing, as I just discovered. But part of the mission of this young blog is to represent sports interests in Chicago and Columbus (and to a lesser extent, Ohio), and that’s why I’m throwing away my Sunday afternoon.

That’s not to say anyone’s interested in this game, though. The normally football-crazy Columbus hasn’t even had the Arena Bowl as its leading sports story this weekend; I’m not sure most of the news stations even have correspondents down in New Orleans. No matter, though, there are worse things to watch/do on a Sunday afternoon in the summer, as my crackling, P.O.S. TV gets ready for the team introductions.

3:07 After explaining to viewers the unique rules of Arena football, ABC cuts to a guy yelling in the San Jose locker room before going to commercial again. Smooth. They don’t even take this much time with regular season baseball games, what gives?

3:11 Columbus kicks off in front of the more apathetic crowds I’ve seen for a title game. Must be those corporate arena bowl packages that kill the sport and leave the true fans out in the cold.

3:14 During the opening San Jose drive Greenburg “allows” the audience to let the San Jose quarterback to call the play in the huddle. Golic lets the audience know he’ll interpret what each call means. That’s…okay, thanks though. The Sabercats (S.J.) opening up the scoring with a rushing TD.

3:18 Matt Nagy is the quarterback for the Destroyers, and he looks like he could kick Ben Roethlisberger’s ass. Two quick passes for first yards get Columbus moving, which is good because they’ll need to keep the strong S.J. defense off the field as often as possible.

(I’m just kidding; I only saw Arena Football for the first time two weeks ago, I have no fucking idea what’s going on.)

3:20 Greenberg just remarked how one of the great things about Arena Football is that fans get to keep the ball if it goes into the stands. What a fucking Communist. If Roger Goodell were running this league, that fan catching the ball would be automatically suspended four games before having to perform community service with the United Way. Destroyers drive to the two-yard line and then punch the ball on a running play, 7-7 game. Nagy looks very good early.

3:25 A commercial tells me to come to Louisiana for the great jazz scene. Until my deadbeat ex-roommate owns up and pays his water bill for our old house, jazz is dead to me, so no dice.

3:26 Really, the crowd at the game is making it difficult to enjoy doing this diary. It’s like they were given their tickets for free the night before or something, that’s how quiet they are. In a related story, I’m going to a WWE event in about a month at Nationwide Arena, if only to see if wrestling can truly survive one of its most disturbing moments in history.

3:28 Good things about AFL; a running time clock (even after scoring), receivers in forward motion pre-snap, and live mics. Unfortunately, the live mics haven’t been too noticeable because Mike and Mike feel the need to talk every single moment during the game. It’s like the ESPN football video game series with the two no-name announcers who spoke entire paragraphs on the simplest of rushing plays, you know? I noticed this when I watched them announce the Columbus/Georgia game two weeks ago and it grows old very fast. San Jose scores again to take a 14-7 lead.

3:33 I’m noticing how “lean” all the AFL players are and I just had an epiphany: this is what NFL players would look like if they weren’t on steroids! Whew, maybe HGH is a good thing after all. God knows they’re all cutting their lives short by 20-30 years, but at least they provide much more exciting football.

3:37 Mike and Mike talk about how “un-soft” the padded walls are before God rescues us from the inane conversation by ending the first quarter and taking us to commercial. Commercials are quite un-offensive thus far; no John Mellancamp, minimal Peyton Manning. We can handle this.

3:44 They finally make use of listening to the play in the huddle, and it’s pretty cool; it illustrates how little we mortals really know about football, when it all comes down to it. Meanwhile, San Jose commit three defensive penalties and but haven’t allowed a Columbus score yet.

3:45 But make that four penalties on San Jose now, yet Columbus still can’t punch it in. Fourth down and goal coming up…

3:46 WHAT A PLAY! Columbus lines their players up left but has a player sneak out to the right after the snap, where Nagy finds him wide open for an easy screen pass TD. Great call.

(BTW, Golic, please do not feel the need to guess what each play call in the huddle means, because each time you get it wrong you look that sillier, and already you’re hovering on being that Fox sports guy who tried predicting all those Boise State calls in the Fiesta Bowl and wound up looking like a complete idiot. Please Golic, do your fellow Irish proud.)

3:50 Nagy has potential to be a big cult hero in Columbus if he can pull this thing off. He was definitely a leader on that goal line stand just now…holllld up, some San Jose dude just returned a kick for a touchdown. They miss the extra point, however.

3:54 Joey Galloway shows up in the booth and reveals himself to be the part-owner of the Destroyers when he’s not rotting in Tampa Bay, waiting for a quarterback to get him the ball. This in turn leads to a photo of John Gruden’s kids (John Gruden has bred children????) holding up a sign asking where he is, because as you all know, missing a day of training camp in the NFL is like missing the birth of your child.

3:56 A great kickoff return is wasted when Nagy’s pass into the end zone is deflected and picked off. It’s only a six point lead (20-14), but San Jose has scored so quickly, it feels like a big advantage this early on.

3:59 Golic relates something about how he’s fat and can’t run the 40 as fast as the guys on the field, or something stupid. I’m getting tired already. It’s all the Mountain Dew I’m drinking. Personal foul on a Columbus defender for slamming a dude into the wall. Remember kids, these walls are tough. You wouldn’t wanna cross them in an alleyway.

4:02 San Jose is stifled, fourth down coming up. Golic: “Heard a ‘38’ in the huddle, so it must be a run…” You see, how the fuck do you know that? He was right, but still, it’s sooo annoying. Thank God Golic wasn’t working for CNN when baby Jessica was lifted out of the well, otherwise he’d tell us he heard the number “65” and he knew that meant they were going to save the baby, because he’s the professional and we’re all morons.

4:05 Touchdown, San Jose State. 27-14, and they’re on the brink of outpacing the Destroyers. A shoving match breaks out afterwards, as cameras cut to the San Jose coach, and he looks surprisingly like Lovie Smith. Hey, will there be special interest pieces on Sportscenter if he becomes the first black coach to win the Arena Bowl? There should be.

4:10 ABC shows image of how shitty the Lower Ninth Ward still is in New Orleans, and they have an amusing statistic in the damages done by Katrina: $70 billion in damages, $1.2 million in evacuees. More proof that if you’re poor and living in America, you’re just a statistic to Uncle Sam. Mike Greenberg goes on to make the bullshit proclamation of bullshit proclamations, saying that the citizens of New Orleans have embraced the Arena Bowl coming to town. That explains the Ritalin-induced crowd, right? What if the New Orleans Hornets actually win the NBA title, are they going to embrace that too? Please. I’d better start writing about football again. By the way, the AFL commissioner is really fat.

4:14 Now this is interesting: Columbus lines up their kicker in their own end zone on fourth down and have him do a field goal attempt, the idea being the ball is still live after it drops and it’ll give their defense good field position. Unfortunately, the kicker slips and the ball scrambles about ten yards down the field, giving the Sabercats amazing field position as we head into the final minute of the first half. Ouch.

4:17 While a guy that works with the Philadelphia Soul (it doesn’t look like Jon Bon Jovi, but I’m not taking any risks) is in the commentator booth, Columbus recovers a fumble and gets the ball back. AFL rules involve the last minute of each half being similar to how the NFL always stops the clock, thus it takes about five actual minutes to complete the final minute of the half/game.

4:19 Awesome live mic exchange between Nagy and the offensive coordinator; a good argument about the play and one bad word bleeped out. Nagy says he wants speed and he gets it in that Bush guy for the Destroyers (no it’s not Reggie, fuck Reggie) but the pass goes incomplete, yet there’s another defensive penalty by the Sabercats. Columbus has 16 seconds to make this a one-score game going into the half.

4:22 Nagy floats one to an open guy in near the middle of the field, but that receiver gets hammered and can’t hang onto the ball. A short gain a play later sets up a field goal opportunity. Unfortunately, field goals in AFL are difficult, and the Columbus kicker (Peter Martinez) looks exceedingly incompetent as he misses the kick and we head into halftime with the score being 27-14.

I’ll give the AFL this; when people know what they’re doing (players and coaches alike), it can be quite fun to watch. But the Sabercats defense should be thankful that Columbus couldn’t find an offensive spark in that second quarter because they really didn’t look like they were holding up well together.

The game’s good but it’s not the most exciting thing I’ve seen, and let’s face it, NFL athletes would destroy these two teams (albeit in a nice way, plus I’m convinced now that most NFL players take steroids). If the score becomes a 24-point deficit for the Destroyers, I’m gonna call it a day and do something more productive. I’m guessing most people won’t mind.

BTW, what is up with Suzy Kolber hosting NASCAR on ESPN? Do they introduce every NASCAR clip with Dale Earnhardt saying, “All I wanna do is race, Daddy”? Because they should. It probably won’t happen, but ESPN has the potential to kill NASCAR if they felt like it. Hey, they’ve already done it with hockey.

4:39 Third quarter starts and Columbus again gets bad starting field position. This is negated, however, by San Jose committing two penalties on the same play and giving Columbus a much needed offensive boost. How many penalties is that for San Jose, eight? That’s a lot when you consider how quickly these games move.

4:46 My TV is crackling and really irritating me, let’s see how much longer I can do this. Fourth and goal Columbus…they convert again on another great pass play! Nagy is exceptionally fun to watch and listen to. Greenburg then ruins this previous sentence by stating that Nagy has “regained his composure.” HE ALWAYS HAD HIS FUCKING COMPOSURE, YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER! YOU WANNA BLAME SOMEBODY, BLAME THE COLUMBUS DEFENSE! Idiot.

4:48 Is it mean to call someone a cocksucker if he’s gay? Because I say that to people all the time regardless…

4:49 Come fall in love with Louisiana, all over again. That ad would be 8,000 times better if it featured Ted Turner dressed as Captain Planet, looking into the camera and saying, “Come to Louisiana or I’ll fucking kill you! CAPTAIN PLANEEEET!” (Outside the Star Wars episode, this is the most re-watchable Robot Chicken segment of all time.)

4:50 Golic continues to insult our intelligence, asking Nagy what they did to calm down at halftime. Never mind.

4:52 So is the San Jose coach actually coaching or doing his Art Shell impression? Not that it matters, his offense has driven towards the goal already in about five seconds. First and goal after a pass interference call for the Sabercats.

4:55 Yep, that was quick, 34-21 San Jose with the third quarter winding down. Columbus D must step up.

4:56 The EA Sports College Gameday commercial featuring Oklahoma stopping Boise State in the Fiesta Bowl is just plain wrong, as is the commercial featuring deadbeat dad Matt Leinart beating Texas in the Rose Bowl. I’m not sure how those kinds of commercials are supposed to help you sell your product, considering everyone loves Boise State these days and nobody loves Matt Leinart. But then, I’m not an evil monopolistic empire issuing the be-all and end-all of the video game world, so kudos to EA for eventually breaking our will to live. Cunts.

(On a side note, there will be college football previews coming up for Notre Dame and Ohio State. One of these teams has a great chance of going to another BCS game. The other has a great chance of finishing the season at .500. I’ll let you decide which is which.)

5:01 Another side note: Cubs 6, Reds 0. YES! I *might* have to make a trip to Great American Ball Park for the regular season finale in September, depending on what’s happening in the NL Central.

5:02 San Jose’s single-man pass coverage is quite impressive, as Columbus cannot complete a pass over 20 yards to save its life. If they were just tidier with the penalties this game would already be over.

5:03 Good grief, I didn’t even finish typing that last sentence when Columbus executes essentially the same play and the cornerback gets burned for a Destroyer passing TD. Martinez misses the extra point though! How can you do that??? 34-27 Sabercats, fourth quarter about to start.

5:07 I’m not sure if I could care less about Barry Bonds pursuing the home run record anymore. He has acted like such a jackass since the All-Star game. Oh, and then there’s his reputation before he called Bob Costas a midget.

5:08 This Sabercats offense is methodical; they complete an easy first down pass to the middle of the field.

5:10 Mike and Mike get so bored they start talking about their stock options. Seriously. BTW, San Jose is fucking expensive to live in, as shown in an extensive San Jose city profile. So where’s the Columbus city profile, bitches? Affordable living, plenty to do for young people, OSU football, Nationwide Insurance. Toss us a fucking bone, too. Meanwhile, the Sabercats inch towards the Destroyers goal line again.

5:12 Touchdown (like the eleventh of the afternoon), albeit he was probably down before crossing the line. The Sabercats start acting like they’ve already won the Arena Bowl. Fuck that.

5:17 Another interesting AFL rules wrinkle: multiple offside penalties in a half/game will eventually turn into 10-yard instead of 5-yard penalties. Well, that’ll learn San Jose. But in the meantime, Nagy makes a big error, throwing an off-balance bomb that gets picked off easily. Big turnover this late in the game.

(Btw, can this game be over now? This is enough Arena Football for one year, I’ve decided.)

5:24 Nothing of note happens for about ten minutes so I revert to playing Hearts on my computer. Seriously, I know I’ve written it two or three times now, but the lack of true fan involvement in this game does not translate well to television. Even the conference final game I saw two weeks ago had a half-full house of Georgia fans making as much noise as they could, and it was compelling stuff, but this? It feels like a high school state football championship on turf. San Jose scores again, lightening-quick this time, and a 48-27 score with 6 minutes to go means I’m wrapping this thing up soon—but not before cringing at the sight of a pre-made sports package highlighting all of Ohio’s championship failures in 2007, featuring the Buckeyes and Cavaliers. Fuck you assholes. The Midwest fucking rocks and you know it. I think Maynard James Keene summed up the West Coast best (and fuck it, the East Coast too) in that “Aenima” song by essentially saying “fuck West Coast lifestyle because it’s all fake bullshit,” and that’s the truth. I don’t know what I’m ranting about anymore—probably the fact that I’ve thrown away my entire afternoon blogging an Arena Football game, and I’m almost out of Mountain Dew.

5:30 Columbus keeps plugging at it, and San Jose still keeps giving up silly penalties. They’re extremely lucky their offense was unstoppable today. But then, the Destroyers take too long to score on offense, making too many incomplete passes, whereas the Sabercats just zoomed down the field in about a minute. Tough.

5:34 Give Nagy a ton of credit though; he completes another TD pass on fourth down. You can’t blame him for the deficit in this game, his defense did not back him up. One minute to go, praise the Lord. I have laundry to do.

5:37 Onside kick by Destroyers, and somehow Martinez doesn’t screw it up. San Jose recovers however, and we get set for the clock to run down. The outcome of the game was simply based on San Jose’s offense killing Destroyers, and I think stat lines are going to unjustly suggest Nagy is an inferior quarterback to, uh, whoever the Sabercats quarterback is, but that’s not the case. Nagy was like Brady Quinn against USC last year, shorthanded against a superior opponent. And as if to prove my point, the Sabercats score again, within the final minute. Fortunately a small melee breaks out at the end, which is always amusing, as the dozen or so Sabercats fans in the stands begin to celebrate.

5:41 MVP is Matt Grieb (that quarterback whose name I forgot), and he gets a Mitsubishi Spyder as a prize. It looks awesome, but it’s gonna break down a dozen times over the next year, so good luck with that, Matt! (I’d make fun of this more if I wasn’t driving the ’94 Volvo 850T from Hell.)

And we’re gonna finish it there. Arena Football: it’s football without steroids, true fans, good kickers, and good commentators. Good times!

You Have to Appreciate how Soriano is Almost Midget-Sized

2007-07-27T13:47:00.000-04:00

In light of a rather slow Friday, allow me to marvel at the pint-sized athletic wonder that is Alfonso Soriano. I'm guessing he and Bob Costas are the same weight. Heh, imagine if some people (besides Soriano) played the game fairly? But then, I still have fond memories of Sammy Sosa, so writing that's being kind of hypocritical.

The Cubs got shellacked last night against the Cardinals, 11-1, but otherwise are wrapping up a fantastic July and are only two games behind the Brewers (and I think only one game out of the Wild Card spot). They travel to Cincinnati this weekend, who did the Cubs a favor last night by edging the Brewers 6-5. Not being in a city that hosts a major league team is definitely a downside to a Columbus--although it might make a trip to Jacobs Field that much easier.

Clear-cut Proof That Americans Can Learn From European Example

2007-07-26T10:44:00.001-04:00

Like most Americans, I have never seen one bit of live Tour de France coverage, and I figured interest for the Tour this year would have to be its lowest since the pre-Lance era, given Floyd Landis' incredible fall from grace and his perpetual state of denial over his obvious cheating en route to victory last year.

Well, there still seems to be a decent amount of interest for the Tour in this country, but it's for all the wrong reasons. Cycling team Rabobank pulled Tour leader Michael Rasmussen from the race after he "was linked to 'incorrect' information that Rasmussen gave to the team's sports director over his whereabouts last month. Rasmussen missed random drug tests May 8 and June 28, saying he was in Mexico. But a former rider, Davide Cassani, told Denmark's Danmarks Radio on Wednesday that he had seen Rasmussen in Italy in mid-June." I was thinking real hard to make a joke about Danish people going to Italy, but there's nothing really funny about that, unfortunately. It's a shame Denmark can't be like, you know, an actual country. They're a poor man's Sweden when you factor in the Scandanavian roots.

Before I ramble too much, let me get to the point: the team, not the governing body of professional cycling (be it the International Cycling Union or whomever), dismissed its best rider on the very good chance that he was cheating, and did so while he was just days away from the finale in Paris. That's incredible! I almost wonder this kind of action is unprecendated--probably not in Europe, but most likely in this country. (Although I suppose T.O. being dismissed from the Eagles would count, but that wasn't for steroids, it was, you know, for being himself.)

Rick from Deadspin made a great observation about the breaking news under the "About Last Night" column, saying that kicking Rasmussen off the team is "kind of like suspending Bonds while he's rounding the bases." You know what? That is a fantastic idea. Picture the scenario: moments after Bonds hits #756, word reaches the Giants clubhouse that the slugger will be indicted the next day, and he is indefinitely suspended from baseball until a verdict is reached.

The problem is, Bud Selig would never, EVER have the cahoneys to pull that off. It's his critical flaw: whereas David Stern may come off as too aggressive, Selig seems about as indecisive and passive as you could get as an executive leader in the public eye (and he'd look much worse if not for Gary Bettmann). The 2002 All-Star Game was a perfect metaphor for Selig's inability to make strong and clear decisions on major issues throughout his tenure: unable to take a stand against Donald Fehr, unable to speak out clearly on steroids in the game (until the federal government intervened), unable to decide whether he should show up to see Bonds break the home run record.

Another news bit making the Internet rounds this morning is this LA Times article in which Bonds calls Bob Costas a "midget" as a result of Costas interviewing Curt Schilling and "the clear" chemist Patrick Arnold. As you can guess, Schill and Arnold don't say the most pleasant things about Barry. Then again, no one has nice things to say about Barry anymore.

Bud Selig, do the right, decisive thing: make like Hank Aaron and blow off Barry. Fox already did a great job lionizing him during this year's All-Star Game (and boy was that disgusting), and there's no need to do it again.

Who knows? Maybe after this whole mess is finished, Bonds will fade into the same limbo where Mark McGwire presently dwells. We certainly won't miss him.

Why Michael Vick Shouldn't Be Hanged or Electrocuted by PETA's Loyal Nazis Just Quite Yet

2007-07-25T08:25:00.000-04:00

(photoshop originally found on deadspin.com. If you've never heard of Deadspin, I'm surprised you somehow found this site first)

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Killing animals is cruel. It is not, however, inhumane, as dogs are not humans.

::big grin::

Okay, let's get serious: not in in a million years would I ever condone those who think that dogfighting is a sensible lifestyle. From an outsider's perspective, this lifestyle thrives solely on propelling the image of a "bad boy," transforming an owner/trainer's persona into one that seems larger-than-life and more influential to those around him. Then again, it could be that dog fight organizers get a really sick thrill out of watching animals fight each other violently, then subjecting the loser to torture and macabre methods of execution--according to what I've read, it is possible to electrocute and/or hang a dog (part of me wants to know how that's done, it sounds harder than it probably is).

So there you go: every dog is sacred. Don't fucking kill them.

Now then, Michael Vick has been indicted for competitive dog fighting and for training dogs to fight each other, as well as making the operation an interstate issue. On paper he looks like toast; there's been carcasses found all over his estate in Virginia, there's alleged evidence of Vick giving thousands of dollars in winnings to other dog owners, and worst of all, the business he's allegedly connected to is named Bad Newz Kennels. I'm guessing that when some random federal investigator was assigned to track down underground dog fighting operations in America and saw the name "Bad Newz Kennels" in the Yellow Pages, he might have raised an eyebrow. The thing I love best about this name is that they were all about the "z" in "Newz" but left the "s" in "Kennels" as is. It's like they wanted to be "bad" enough for young America but respectable enough for corporate America. I think this is what Bill Simmons thinks of when he writes about unintentional comedy.

Right now, Vick looks toasted on the investigation. Then again, Kobe Bryant looked like toast during that press conference in 2003 when was bald and crying next to his hot, barely legal wife. The Duke lacrosse players seemed left for dead when Satan's favorite D.A., Mike Nifong, vowed to bring "justice" to the mean streets of Durham. As one of my heroes Michael Wilbon mentioned recently, the Duke lacrosse case reminded us about the dangers of jumping to conclusions.

Why then, is it so easy to jump to conclusions with Mike Vick? Probably because a case of this magnitude couldn't come at a worse time for an NFL player. Roger Goodell has essentially made it a prerogative to eradicate any kind of "thug" culture the NFL may have, as David Stern embarked upon after the Pistons-Pacers melee a few years ago. We all know the cases by now: Chris Henry has been dealt a final warning through this eight-game suspension, and Tank Johnson and Pac-Man Jones (By the way, I never felt Pac-Man deserved an eighth of the media attention he gets; is he even one of the top ten cornerbacks in the league? Please!) will likely never play in the NFL again. Goodell has been mostly supported by colleagues and writers for the stance he takes against the league's most grievous offenders. However, some of these punishments have been the result of connection with a player's wrongdoing, rather proven commitment of a crime--I wouldn't go as far as writing "guilty until proven innocent," but we could go down that path with Vick.

What if Vick's attorney(s) are able to prove that a dog-fighting operation was being run without his knowledge and/or approval? Forget how far-fetched that seems in reality, it's still a possibility. If Vick is absolved of any wrongdoing in this case--and again, I realize I'm reaching here, but as of July 25, 2007, we don't know all the facts yet--what does the NFL do then? Issue an apology to Vick and his representatives? Issue an apology to Joey Harrington for getting his ass kicked in the regular season? That would become a big, big issue for Goodell's staff and the way they assess crime and punishment in the NFL. Goodell has ordered Vick to stay away from training camp until the NFL determines whether the quarterback violated the league's Personal Conduct Policy (which I willingly admit I know nothing about). Training dogs to kill and then electrocuting them, I'm guessing, probably violates this policy--but how does the NFL determine that without the federal government figuring it out first??? How can the NFL independently determine what involvement Vick had with the operation? Do they create a punishment based upon assumption? That's where I scratch my head with the league's treatment of one of its biggest stars.

Yes, in the real world, if a lawyer at a big shot firm or a banker at Morgen Stanley get indicted for a felony (dog fighting seem unlikely, but narcotics possession seems like a good bet), he or she would probably either fired or given a leave of absence until the legal process is concluded. The NFL ain't the real world, boys and girls. It's a collection of three hundred pound, testosterone-driven athletes who treat each Sunday like the difference between life and death. Media and fans alike have transformed the league from an entertaining weekend getaway into the wealthiest sport in America and a definition of the cities we live in (and I should know; I lived in Cincinnati for 15 years, and it sucked). These "employees" don't belong to private entities, they belong to the public eye on TV and in front of the thousands of fans that come to these games, many of those fans making huge investments in season tickets and team merchandise. If you take away one of your big stars from the public eye, but then discover he was never in the wrong, what's your next move? Be very careful how far you go, Mr. Goodell.

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Follow-ups:

So yeah, don't draft Vick until the 12th or 13th round in FFL this year, if at all.

Which reminds me, how in the hell was Lamont Jordan a consensus top-ten pick a year ago? Last year was the first time I did FFL and even I realized this was completely wrong. Did anyone ever do a case study on this?

One more FFL mention; I'm looking for extra teams in a league I'm managing, email me if you're interested.

If Peyton Manning ever got indicted for [insert crime], how would Goodell react?

And finally, I probably don't need to remind most you about this, but PETA is about as backwards an organization as you will find that this country. I won't give anything away, but rent some DVD's of Penn and Teller's Bullshit!, look for the PETA episode, and watch the truth unravel before your eyes.

Work finishes in a half hour and I can't think of anything to write

2007-07-24T16:29:00.001-04:00

But I will say this: I need to get back to writing more. I'm a graduate student at the Ohio State University working on two music degrees, and as fun and rewarding as a life in music is, it takes up a huge amount of time in my day, especially when school's in session. Seriously, the only reason I'm able to write this first post is because it's a slow day at my temp job.

The purpose of "Ohio Head, Chicago Heart" is to give me a place where I can speak openly about sports. Obviously there's going to be a larger focus on such things as the Cubs, Buckeyes and Notre Dame (my undergrad), but there'll be plenty of time to complain about other things too, such as why benching Mike Vick for getting indicted is essentially treating him guilty until proven innocent.